#thereplypost

Last night I was at a do and there was an alloromantic cis-woman who was interested in me. She is very attractive. I can tell she is interested with her body language, she is judging my social standing by asking me questions about what I do. It’s an old game. I’m nodding and smiling and the next thing she wants to hang out and she has my phone number.

On the drive home I’m in my head, I’m thinking what to do? I can’t be mean, it’s just not my nature--I’m an empath. Do I date her?

Hmm. I think about it. Then my gut does a lurchy thing. I don’t feel well. The idea makes me ill. I can’t. Of course, I know why...

I’m Aro/Ace. On one hand that feels so good to know my own nature...but damn the self-talk...

Me: ‘I could go back to grey land...’ ‘well, you know there's nothing wrong with that’ 

Head: ‘she is attractive...’ 

Me: ‘Not this again...!’

Yadda yadda...little mousy on the treadmill.

Then it dawned on me today that this is what is called an intersection of resistance. It’s that little point, of pressure, that in the heat of the moment makes me fight just to be who I actually am. 

Let me explain.

I am defined by the choices I make (I’ve learned this the hard way) and when you know the truth about yourself abandoning that cherished knowledge is actually a form of self-harm. It is the slow murder of the truest expression of your soul. It’s worse than social judgement, it’s pure self-loathing--and this is because I get scared of having to go through all that social ostracisation again and rejection and urgh need I go on?

Resistance can hurt, and sometimes it is so hard to just go you know, ‘I think you’re really nice and err...no’ 

(Which is why we need strong support and to reach out to a caring and nurturing community. A strong community is another aspect of resistance, but we talk more about that later) I resist because this is how I stay true to my deepest needs. I resist because if I abandon myself to social pressure, then I relinquish my dignity and the thing that makes me so beautifully human--my unique (and flawed) differences. 

This very nice human read me as a cis-normative alloromantic heterosexual guy that, of course, will be interested in her! See the pressure point...?

Still, she got my number right and that means something right? 

Nope means nothing. 

I have good and healthy boundaries. I know myself. I’m a beautiful Aro/Ace that’s just the way I’m made. 

So, I’ve decided...I come out to her if she wants to date and say ‘Sorry but no’ If she wants to hang out and be friends, that is preferable, she was nice...I don’t have to be mean, I don’t have to explain it too much. Just set up my boundaries and expect respect. 

(If someone doesn't respect you btw...you can't even be friends in my book. Always expect respect. And if they don't give it...to hell with them! heh)

Plenty of fishes in the sea and all my friends are fishes that are brave enough to swim with me.

What is home?

 Home is the place where we long to be. It is the place that when we are there, we feel closest to being ourselves. Home is the safe place, the place where cats live, a place where we cook good food. Home is the light on at night in my window with the soft music on, heaters and blankets, toasty socks and the dark freezing cold rain kept at bay.

Without home I cannot dream, if the home is not safe I cannot be. Being refers to doing, I make sure that I make ‘home’ every day. 

The heart needs to be cared for, all our feelings must be felt, acknowledged and respected. When I come home at night I reach for my nurturing gentle, shadowy friend. They understand my Aro/Ace nature better than anyone and make gentle the space-ace place once again.

I could do this all day.

I’m a Vegan Aro/Ace. I love all the animals so I eat all the plants. I make Vegan cake, and my favorite cookies are chocolate chip. I’m a pretty big introvert so I like to spend time on my own, but baking is one of those things I could do forever.

This is my safe place and my happy space. I have an eight year old Siamese Cat named Marley. She is very vocal and very uncomplicated. She likes pats...all the pats!

If I had to have it my way, I would wish all the world have a moment for the cats...and if this is you today, go find one and pat it. Don’t be creepy about it though...don’t like jump your neighbors fence and assault a sleeping cat.

You know be gentle and allow them to come to you. All animals have the power to heal! If you are lucky enough to have a fur baby, just give them a little bit more of your time today than usual.

Being Aro/Ace, I’m often misunderstood. I haven't had the best of times with humans in my life. Sometimes my cat is the most sincere expression of loyalty and genuine affection I’ve had all day.

The Toxic walk around like zombies full of shame and judgement.

 There you are, feeling good about yourself for a change, you go out and you say good morning to your neighbour who doesn't reply. Then there is your boss that has never in the whole time you've been there acknowledges your presence, and then today they misgender you in front of everyone. You bust your best friend talking behind your back to everyone online about your newly found Aro/Ace status as if the betrayal wasn't enough you check Facebook to find about half of those same people just unfriended you mysteriously. Sound familiar? The fine tunes of Nick Cave's 'People just ain't no good' come wafting through these typing words. It's hard to say it aloud, it's hard to admit to myself that I am hurt by peoples behaviour. It still surprises me...Why! Why put so much trust in others if I'm only going to get hurt? Why don't I fit in anywhere? And who's listening? Who even cares? 

I feel defeated. I feel the dark come--so I just let it, growling under the blanket listening to the blackest of black metal. I am the misunderstood, the forlorn, I am the dark wind that rages tonight, I am a bag full of scorn chips, razor sharp and awful. 

Toxic people are everywhere. They are cruel and nasty little sociopaths with no heartbeat. I allow this thought to come: I know it is true. But there are some people that are really good...and caring and gentle also. This is also true. 

So what is right? Notice I didn't say who is right?

Having swish, a little attitude towards the haters is a good thing in my world.

You encounter hate, that’s just the billions of stupid on the planet you have to share space with, sometimes they just show up all at once. Sometimes I really can’t bother myself to lift my index finger to the keyboard. Other times I bite back, but I do it in a way that gives me some grace. I don’ t yell or swear or get upset, I just do what my cat does when she’s pissed. She narrows her eyes...and dead stares me until I look away. Like she’s two feet tall...and I’m six foot two and still, she has the upper hand. 

Any personal problem with people that can’t handle your Aro Ace self? I recommend handling it the same way. Step back and stare, like you’ve never seen this level of stupid in your life. People freak out when that happens.  

Don’ t budge.