#comebackstronger

Today I get to listen to a book which marked me dumb!. Yes, absolutely I felt soo embarrassed to accept my old ideology. Yet I am not the old me, I cannot meet my own past and just pass it away. I don't know whether it stirred up my guilt for being helpless. I didn't save myself from the mental crime done to me by my surroundings. I felt bad for not standing up for me. May be I was not that matured enough by age to make people to lend their ears for my crisis.

I always wanted to tag me or showcase me as a GOOD GIRL in a family, school and in my friends circle. That was my problem. The GOOD GIRL SYNDROME ate half of my youth and took over my senses for years. "Stay home, Stay quiet, Stay humble, Stay obedient, STAY..BE...DO..." . These were the orders given to me. "Or else..." Or else.?

I'll not be the good, loved one anymore. That really scared me like a home sick lizard. That specific book made me feel dumb for my past behavior, where I even preached my friends to be an idiot just like me.

How come, not complaining an abusive teacher or father will be considered as a NICE BEHAVIOR? . I feel bad for my teenage where I failed to raise questions, I failed to standup for myself. Our system taught us that, ' An abusive elder is trying to make us well disciplined, they'll make our life better'. And I trusted it too. " My dad throws abusive words just to make me gain more in my exams, My teacher compared me with the other kids in front of my parents to motivate me...". The list goes on like an empathy scarcity in a narcissist's mind. It takes time to come out from this but the book helped me highlighting my current thoughts as a qualified one.

These were my thoughts while I had my coffee. If you guys find this interesting, will make it as a series. Tell me your thoughts in the space below. LA FIN :)

I’ve been in hiatus for a long time in writing, and I know for myself I lost my spark reason I almost given up.

When words and ideas start to fade, my burning desire to express starts to dim as well. I have been quiet, scared and lost because, how can you lose something you love so close to heart.

A lot may not understand but it was a difficult time knowing I love to write but the words does not resonate with me anymore, that I could not even pick up a pen and even scribble anything down.

My ideas were running away, I couldn’t express myself, at one point I didn’t even know how to feel.

I got lost and I let myself be lost until I found myself from all the fragments of all the versions of myself and saw how beautiful it was.

Maybe it’s pure smut.

Maybe it’s pure fluff.

Maybe it’s BOTH.

Friend: No!

Me: Why?

Friend: CAUSE I DONT WANT TO LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.