#cold turkey

One a shelf alongside a mirror of self-reflection, a little sprout, Marshall Lee's Demo Cassette, Gary's Biscuit Boy, Fern's hair-clip and Marshall's van.

Is there a reason why Marshall technically has two Items to symbolize him?

(Maybe the items don't just symbolize Fionna's friends but specific events related to them. So the van represents her Forklift Certified Moment and the Cassette represents her trying to push Marshall out of Boys Night in favor of DJ Flame? Or something else related to Marshall's musical career?)

Is the sprout related to Huntress Wizard or to Hunter? Huntress is a Plant Woman who was implicitly called a sprout in the first episode's title…

And it being a hydroponic plant could symbolize how Huntress Wizard's commitment issues + being stranded away from her home-universe means she lacks 'solid ground'.

But Hunter is the one with the more direct interest in taking care of plants (and could've, for example, gifted Fionna a hydroponic plant at some point because they're supposed to be low-maintenances) and is obviously much more important to the topic of Fionna's regrets.

Trump Weird News - Trump MAGA Addiction

Here’s a doodle of musi

# KICKING, the good, bad and ugly

I made the decision to enter treatment for opiate addiction at 22 years old after using for 11 years — half of my life at that point. When I look back now at 31, it still shocks me. Childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood blurred into one long cycle of chasing relief. Today, nearly a decade later, I’ve been forced to take matters into my own hands because the recovery systems here in the United Kingdom feel broken — failing the very people they claim to help. I’ve attended five or six treatment centres over the years, and each one has been as bad as, if not worse than, the last. This blog is my open look at how these centres operate, how policies override humanity, and how quickly you’re treated as less-than once the words “methadone” or “buprenorphine” appear on your medical record.

The moment those medications are listed on your file, something changes. Doctors become guarded. Pharmacists become suspicious. Treatments get denied. Even when you explicitly request **non-narcotic medication**, you’re often refused purely because you’re “in treatment.” It doesn’t matter what the issue is — pain relief, anxiety support, sleep medication — the stigma sticks. You stop being a patient and start being a liability. Sometimes it feels like a more rigged system than an online casino — except the stakes aren’t money. They’re your health, your stability, your life.

---

## The System That Punishes Honesty

Last Tuesday (10th February 2026), I had my final appointment at the only National Health Service-funded treatment centre available to me. After nine months of compliance, attendance, clean screens, and jumping through every hoop placed in front of me, I was finally told I would be moved back to Monday–Friday pickup, with weekend doses to take home.

This mattered.

Previously, after admitting to a “blip” — a moment of weakness I was honest about — I was put back onto seven-day-a-week supervised consumption. Total restriction. Total surveillance. I accepted it because I believed if I worked hard enough, proved myself enough, I’d earn back a small piece of normality.

Tuesday felt like that moment.

I was told to collect my dose from my current pharmacy and that a new prescription would be taxied the following day to the only pharmacy that had treated me like a human being. A place where I wasn’t spoken down to. Where I wasn’t made to feel like a criminal for standing at the counter.

That never happened.

Instead, the prescription was sent back to the pharmacy I was already attending — the one I’d repeatedly had issues with.

---

## The Trigger They Wouldn’t Close

In that pharmacy, the controlled drugs cabinet is left open during dosing. For most people, that might mean nothing. For me, it’s a trigger. A big one. Seeing trays of medication laid out openly has led to relapse more than once. I had previously requested that the cabinet be closed while I was dosed. On several occasions, they complied.

Last Tuesday, I asked again.

Close the cupboard while I take my methadone.

Instead, I was banned from the pharmacy.

No warning. No mediation. No discussion.

Just banned.

---

## Borderline Poverty, Disability, and No Compromise

Now, the nearest pharmacy that will supervise seven days a week is 2.6 miles from my flat. That might not sound far to some people. For me, it’s nearly impossible.

I live in borderline poverty. I’m physically disabled. I suffer from severe PTSD due to multiple violent crimes committed against me. I rely on a walking aid. Covering that distance would take five or six hours with constant rest stops. Public transport seven days a week is financially unrealistic.

The treatment centre’s response?

No compromise.

No temporary solution.

No outreach support.

Nothing.

I am currently on day three of withdrawal.

---

## What Opiate Withdrawal Feels Like

For anyone who hasn’t experienced it, here’s what “kicking” actually involves:

* Severe muscle and bone pain

* Restless legs that feel electrically charged

* Sweating through clothes and bedsheets

* Chills and goosebumps

* Nausea and vomiting

* Diarrhoea

* Stomach cramps

* Dilated pupils

* Insomnia

* Anxiety and panic

* Agitation

* Depression

* Intense cravings

* Rapid heartbeat

* High blood pressure

* Exhaustion without sleep

Now layer that with isolation.

No family support.

No friends to call.

No consistent medical care.

Just four walls and your own thoughts getting louder.

---

## The Ugly Truth

There are people attending these centres using daily who are on once-a-week pickup.

I was honest about a blip — and punished.

I asked for a trigger to be removed — and banned.

I complied for nine months — and left stranded.

What makes me different?

Why should I suffer?

Why does honesty feel like a liability in a system that claims to value recovery?

Right now, my mental health is deteriorating rapidly. The isolation, the physical pain, the sense of being disposable — it’s overwhelming. Self-harm thoughts creep in. Suicidal ideation becomes louder. You start planning “just in case.” And that’s the part nobody at the counter sees.

This is what the ugly side of “kicking” looks like. Not inspirational quotes. Not glossy recovery leaflets. Just survival.

---

## The Good?

The good is this:

I’m still here.

I’m still fighting.

I’m writing this instead of giving up.

If you’re reading this and you’re in it too — you are not weak for struggling. You are not manipulative for needing support. You are not less deserving because your medical file has certain words on it.

You deserve support, even if the system has made you feel otherwise.

I’ll update for day four tomorrow.

Love to all

D.Renton

(John Lennon, 1980, All We Are Saying by David Sheff)

1969

September, 9

-John, Paul and George held a meeting at Apple

John then addressed the agreement under which he and Paul had worked since 1962, in which any song written by either of them was credited to Lennon-McCartney. They rarely collaborated anymore, and most fans could tell who wrote what. John proposed, with no objection from Paul, that their future songs be published under their individual names. Notably, Lennon made a point of saying that they had to find a way to announce this compositional de-linking in a way that would not lead to “Beatles Splitting” rumors.

(The McCartney Legacy Volume 1. 1969-73 by Allan Kozinn and Adrian Sinclair, 2022)

September, 13 -the Plastic Ono Band’s debut in Toronto

September, 19 -ATV bought shares from the Consortium and reached just under 50% ownership of Northern Songs

September, 20 (16?) -John tells he had decided to leave band

Klein asked John to wait until the contracts were finalized before he started talk that the Beatles were disbanding. But that didn’t keep John from enjoying the satisfaction of telling Paul. Shortly after John’s return from Toronto, he demanded a meeting at Apple. Paul arrived, his usual magnanimous self, full of plans for new Beatles projects. But no matter what Paul suggested, John kept saying, “No, I don’t want to do that,” or “No, I’m not interested.” The discussion finally dissolved into a mean argument, which Paul finally recovered from by launching into one of his Beatle-pep talks, one of those “Toppermost of the Poppermost” things. “When everything is said and done,” he summed up, “we’re still the Beatles, aren’t we?” “Aw fuck,” John said, “I ain’t no Beatle.” Paul wouldn’t hear it. “Of course you are—” “I’m not!” John shouted, “Don’t you understand? It’s over! Over! I want a divorce, just like the divorce I got from Cynthia! Can’t you get it through your bloody head?” The meeting ended shortly after with John rushing down the stairs, Yoko right behind him, shouting, “It’s over! Finished!” Still, John said nothing to the press, and when he and Yoko left Savile Row that afternoon in their white Rolls-Royce, Paul still somehow believed that John would calm down and there would always be the Beatles.

(The Love You Make by Peter Brown, 1983)

Klein persuaded John to remain silent until the EMI deal was ratified by both sides. John’s news was no more welcome to Klein than it was to the other Beatles. But that was not the only reason Klein wanted John to keep mum. He knew that John could be volatile, and he thought there was a chance that John would reconsider once he’d weighed the pros and cons of going it on his own or continuing as a Beatle. But that was only likely to happen if John kept the plan to himself for a while. <…> Klein’s only option was to swear all the Beatles to secrecy for some indeterminate amount of time after the new EMI deal was in effect. The four Beatles signed the EMI contract on September 20, 1969, but it still had to be ratified by EMI. But John added a proviso.

(The McCartney Legacy Volume 1. 1969-73 by Allan Kozinn and Adrian Sinclair, 2022)

'John had made it clear that he wanted to be the one to announce the split,' Linda McCartney explained years later, 'since it was his idea.' 'He wanted to be first,' her husband confirmed. 'But I didn't realise it would hurt him that much or that it mattered who was first.'

(You Never Give Me Your Money. The Beatles: After the Breakup by Peter Doggett, 2009)

September, 25

-ATV increased its shareholding to 54%, effectively controlling Northern Songs -John recorded Cold Turkey

October, 20 -(US) and 25 (UK) - Cold Turkey released as a single, the first song for which John took sole credit, not Lennon-McCartney

October, 22 -Paul had flown from London to Scotland with Linda, Mary and Heather

1970 April, 9

- was published press release 'McCartney' (all songs with sole writing credits to Paul)

Q: "Are you planning a new album or single with the Beatles?" PAUL: "No." Q: "Do you foresee a time when Lennon-McCartney becomes an active songwriting partnership again?" PAUL: "No."

_________

And then a year later, Paul announced it, right? [laughs; bleak] Good ol’… That was a great trick, you know. Because maybe that’s how when he – [very quiet] He felt that’s how he had to do it. So.

Doing this one as a standalone post as well as putting it on a reblog of my original ADHD diagnosis post in 2023, it being a roundish number of years since then (3).

I'd like to give people a happy story of getting my life together, getting medicated, and being fine.

Sorry, I can't do that.

I was put on Ritalin, and it _did_ help immensely, and was immensely useful for around 2 years. It was especially helpful while I was still fully employed, because the employment did give structure to my days and weeks that the Ritalin couldn't, and my wandering attention and random enthusiasms can't.

However, neoliberal cryptofascist governments hate science, so I lost my public good research geotechnical science job. That was bad, but not too bad. I'm immensely angry about it, but I'm privileged enough that I don't have to look for work immediately for some years, even.

I'm definitely not in a situation where I'm stable enough to re-enter work in a corporate 9 to 5, especially under current bad management and economic trends encouraged by AI bubble economics and increasing fascism in government, media and corporations. The loss of structure to my life from the loss of enforced workplace attendance and behaviors is damaging, but I absolutely _can't_ go back to it, because although the structure was useful, the uncaring nature of corporate workplaces has fucked me over badly.

In a few years once our daughter is old enough and becoming independent, leaving school and moving on to whatever's next, etc, and if my relationships are strong enough, I can probably re-enter the contract field geology industry, either as a consultant or just short contract shitkicker exploration minerals jobs like I used to do.

I can't, now, though, because as variable as I am, my current job is House Husband. Not quite like this, but maybe the ADHD plus hypervigilant twitchy remote area exploration geologist laboratory monster equivalent:

Unfortunately, the Ritalin only worked for around 2 and a half years. Things have been especially bad this past six months - I found myself getting more and more fragile, anxious, prone to anger and severe anxiety and rumination.

As a result, I've irreparably damaged my relationship with my father (not that that was hard to do, given that he's a controlling, emotionally immature, strongly patriarchal and authoritarian man, and entering a dotage marked by unquestioning belief in AI and right wing misinformation) but it's had knock on effects that have severely strained my relationship with my mother and my siblings, and my reaction to that has stressed out my dearly loved life partner, etc.

I've also severely damaged some previously extremely close friends with my fragility and anxiety, and I'm terrified I've ended those relationships badly (There was a horrible no good week in May where I had to go no contact on my father, lost an uncle (and had my father be a dick about that family bereavement), had a close friendship end, and hurt my partner with my self hatred and anxiety about it all, and also hurt a couple of good friends and two of my younger siblings, possibly irreparably.)

While I was still myself, and I need to wear and come to terms with my actions, however anxious and impulsive, the increasing emotional dysregulation, anxiety and fragility which really came to a head in late May and early June, it was very was clear that something had been off for months, aside from the stress of my changing and degrading friendships and family relationships.

What was off was my heart rate (130 bpm) and blood pressure (as high as 160/100). As far as my Doctor and I can tell, possibly due to weightloss, possibly due to a combination of stress and cardiovascular changes with age, the interaction of the ADHD meds with my body had become absolutely not what we want them to be. So I've had to completely stop all stimulant type ADHD medication for now, possibly permanently. Stopping helped my immediate blood pressure and heart rate problems within hours, with some reduction in my anxiety, but of course not with my overthinking it rumination problems about the various stresses in life at the moment. So I am back to close to my historical heart rate and blood pressure, and that is improving. Yay?

I'm lined up for an ECG next week just to see if I've done any permanent damage by Ritalin redlining myself for six months or so, or if there's any other changes in my cardio behaviour that could explain the meds interaction, etc.

Where to from here.

Dr and me are understandably leery about swapping to the other stimulant med options (mainly dexamphetamines rather than methylphenidates.) It's apparently not unusual for mid to late life ADHD diagnoses to have this initially good reaction to stimulant meds, but then get this sort of side effects a few years in. I'm gently using caffiene to plug the stimulant withdrawal effects, but being careful about it - essentially treating it as a strong stimulant on it's own, taking three timed small doses a day. It works again now, as I'd been barely using it for three years, for obvious reasons, but I do need to not overdo it. I still have a background hard edge of adrenaline-ish chest pain that I hope is just the manageable personal stress I'm under, and not some underlying cardiac problem. (Hence the ECG).

I'm trying to do more good talking and connection with my partner, but that's not helped because she's going through major work restructure stress at the moment. Having me stressed because I've fucked up my family and hurt close friends through my anxiety flail this year hasn't helped in me being available for her at this time. This sucks, we're fixing it hopefully.

However.

There are some successes that are giving me help with some of the ways my head works that are derived from ADHD thinking processes and behaviours

I've had some sea changes in how I deal with self critical rumination and intrusive thought rumination, also discussed here. It's still hard to stop, especially at 3 am when not quite awake, but it's a bit more dealable now when awake. The linked resource and articles in those posts have been immensely helpful, especially in defining why my prior interactions with most therapy methods haven't worked for the past thirty years - I need tools for defining what is an intrusive thought/painful event that I can't change or do anything about versus what _is_ painful rumination and solution hunting about that thing, which I _can_ stop.

This doesn't help with the relationships I've damaged, especially those with people I physically can't be around (mainly my dad, but also other previously close friends), but it is helping me not to ruminate on it too much. I'm having a lot of problems with loneliness, and that's where the self critical rumination can bite. This is hard to control, because my peer groups have become very narrow post Covid, due to both changing political landscapes, and economic effects on people and where they can afford to live, and find work. And obviously some of them are too raw to be around much, as several peer groups and regular events are now strewn with variable associations, and having some of my siblings and one of my parents not accept that I'll _never_ be neurotypical enough and won't have some stereotypically 'adult' emotional and behaviour controls to the level that they desire, is hammering me a lot.