#ohhhhhthatswhy

Doing this one as a standalone post as well as putting it on a reblog of my original ADHD diagnosis post in 2023, it being a roundish number of years since then (3).

I'd like to give people a happy story of getting my life together, getting medicated, and being fine.

Sorry, I can't do that.

I was put on Ritalin, and it _did_ help immensely, and was immensely useful for around 2 years. It was especially helpful while I was still fully employed, because the employment did give structure to my days and weeks that the Ritalin couldn't, and my wandering attention and random enthusiasms can't.

However, neoliberal cryptofascist governments hate science, so I lost my public good research geotechnical science job. That was bad, but not too bad. I'm immensely angry about it, but I'm privileged enough that I don't have to look for work immediately for some years, even.

I'm definitely not in a situation where I'm stable enough to re-enter work in a corporate 9 to 5, especially under current bad management and economic trends encouraged by AI bubble economics and increasing fascism in government, media and corporations. The loss of structure to my life from the loss of enforced workplace attendance and behaviors is damaging, but I absolutely _can't_ go back to it, because although the structure was useful, the uncaring nature of corporate workplaces has fucked me over badly.

In a few years once our daughter is old enough and becoming independent, leaving school and moving on to whatever's next, etc, and if my relationships are strong enough, I can probably re-enter the contract field geology industry, either as a consultant or just short contract shitkicker exploration minerals jobs like I used to do.

I can't, now, though, because as variable as I am, my current job is House Husband. Not quite like this, but maybe the ADHD plus hypervigilant twitchy remote area exploration geologist laboratory monster equivalent:

Unfortunately, the Ritalin only worked for around 2 and a half years. Things have been especially bad this past six months - I found myself getting more and more fragile, anxious, prone to anger and severe anxiety and rumination.

As a result, I've irreparably damaged my relationship with my father (not that that was hard to do, given that he's a controlling, emotionally immature, strongly patriarchal and authoritarian man, and entering a dotage marked by unquestioning belief in AI and right wing misinformation) but it's had knock on effects that have severely strained my relationship with my mother and my siblings, and my reaction to that has stressed out my dearly loved life partner, etc.

I've also severely damaged some previously extremely close friends with my fragility and anxiety, and I'm terrified I've ended those relationships badly (There was a horrible no good week in May where I had to go no contact on my father, lost an uncle (and had my father be a dick about that family bereavement), had a close friendship end, and hurt my partner with my self hatred and anxiety about it all, and also hurt a couple of good friends and two of my younger siblings, possibly irreparably.)

While I was still myself, and I need to wear and come to terms with my actions, however anxious and impulsive, the increasing emotional dysregulation, anxiety and fragility which really came to a head in late May and early June, it was very was clear that something had been off for months, aside from the stress of my changing and degrading friendships and family relationships.

What was off was my heart rate (130 bpm) and blood pressure (as high as 160/100). As far as my Doctor and I can tell, possibly due to weightloss, possibly due to a combination of stress and cardiovascular changes with age, the interaction of the ADHD meds with my body had become absolutely not what we want them to be. So I've had to completely stop all stimulant type ADHD medication for now, possibly permanently. Stopping helped my immediate blood pressure and heart rate problems within hours, with some reduction in my anxiety, but of course not with my overthinking it rumination problems about the various stresses in life at the moment. So I am back to close to my historical heart rate and blood pressure, and that is improving. Yay?

I'm lined up for an ECG next week just to see if I've done any permanent damage by Ritalin redlining myself for six months or so, or if there's any other changes in my cardio behaviour that could explain the meds interaction, etc.

Where to from here.

Dr and me are understandably leery about swapping to the other stimulant med options (mainly dexamphetamines rather than methylphenidates.) It's apparently not unusual for mid to late life ADHD diagnoses to have this initially good reaction to stimulant meds, but then get this sort of side effects a few years in. I'm gently using caffiene to plug the stimulant withdrawal effects, but being careful about it - essentially treating it as a strong stimulant on it's own, taking three timed small doses a day. It works again now, as I'd been barely using it for three years, for obvious reasons, but I do need to not overdo it. I still have a background hard edge of adrenaline-ish chest pain that I hope is just the manageable personal stress I'm under, and not some underlying cardiac problem. (Hence the ECG).

I'm trying to do more good talking and connection with my partner, but that's not helped because she's going through major work restructure stress at the moment. Having me stressed because I've fucked up my family and hurt close friends through my anxiety flail this year hasn't helped in me being available for her at this time. This sucks, we're fixing it hopefully.

However.

There are some successes that are giving me help with some of the ways my head works that are derived from ADHD thinking processes and behaviours

I've had some sea changes in how I deal with self critical rumination and intrusive thought rumination, also discussed here. It's still hard to stop, especially at 3 am when not quite awake, but it's a bit more dealable now when awake. The linked resource and articles in those posts have been immensely helpful, especially in defining why my prior interactions with most therapy methods haven't worked for the past thirty years - I need tools for defining what is an intrusive thought/painful event that I can't change or do anything about versus what _is_ painful rumination and solution hunting about that thing, which I _can_ stop.

This doesn't help with the relationships I've damaged, especially those with people I physically can't be around (mainly my dad, but also other previously close friends), but it is helping me not to ruminate on it too much. I'm having a lot of problems with loneliness, and that's where the self critical rumination can bite. This is hard to control, because my peer groups have become very narrow post Covid, due to both changing political landscapes, and economic effects on people and where they can afford to live, and find work. And obviously some of them are too raw to be around much, as several peer groups and regular events are now strewn with variable associations, and having some of my siblings and one of my parents not accept that I'll _never_ be neurotypical enough and won't have some stereotypically 'adult' emotional and behaviour controls to the level that they desire, is hammering me a lot.