#cobrator

Tommy opened the door to his room, noticing immediately the folded piece of paper on the floor. He picked it up, opening it while wondering who would be leaving him something under the door.

'Meet me at the CatDog Café tonight, 8 pm.'

He crumpled the paper, tossing it in the trash, before rooting around in his dresser for some civilian clothing, tossing a pair of jeans and a short-sleeved shirt on the bed. He had just enough time for a quick shower before he sneaked out and met the mystery note writer.

Serpentor, sans his normal yellow snake-themed costume, waited impatiently, tapping his foot and checking his watch several times. Storm Shadow was late. He glowered, staring holes into the booth across the table from him. The waitress hesitantly came up, silently offering him a refill on his water. He waved her off, watching as she scampered away.

"You know, you'd blend in a lot better if you didn't act like you were lord of the café, Serpentor," Tommy said, sliding into the empty seat.

Serpentor's head snapped around and he glared at Storm Shadow. "You're late!"

"You didn't expect me to walk in here without first checking out the place, did you? I'm not one of your incompetent minions," Tommy said, browsing the menu. He didn't spot what he was looking for and set the menu down, sighing. "I'd suggest you tell me why I shouldn't kill you, and quickly."

"I need some advice."

"I already gave you some free advice. Go bother your snake buddies," Tommy said, sliding out of the booth.

"Wait! I can't exactly ask any of them. Mindbender wants me to get rid of him and no one else will give me any useful advice."

"Not my problem, besides, why don't you just 'This, I command!' them?"

"Shhh! Don't blow my cover!" Serpentor whispered, glancing around frantically. "Just... sit down and listen. This is something only someone with your magnitude of charm could possibly help with."

Tommy sat back down, curious as to what would drive Serpentor to seek him for advice. "Fine, but I'm not doing it for free. How did you get that note to me?"

"Please, I have many spies-"

"Not anymore, I want a list of the names they go by in the Joes."

Serpentor sighed. "Fine."

"Good." The waitress came back, setting a glass of water down for Tommy. "Thank you. Do you have any blueberry bagels?"

"I'm sorry sir, we're out. We have some blueberry muffins and I think a piece or two of blueberry cheesecake left, if you'd like either of those?"

He shook his head. "No, but thanks anyways." She nodded and left. "So what is your big problem?" Tommy asked, leaning back.

"Mindbender experimented with the high command and somehow I ended up chasing Cobra Commander through the Drome all night. I don't remember any of it and wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched the security tapes. Now he won't talk to me, whenever I sit down next to him he gets up and sits as far away as he can, and he gets nervous when I'm anywhere near him alone."

"I'd be nervous too if I were him and you were trying to kill me."

"I wasn't trying to kill him! I was trying to get him to stop being such a stick in the mud and join me, preferably in my room, but I almost dragged him into a closet, according to the tapes."

Tommy blinked a few times. "I thought you were just messing with him with all that boyfriend stuff."

"I am! Mostly. It's entertaining watching him insist to everyone that he's not and then watch him scream and rage when no one listens to him."

Tommy nodded. "You like the challenge of the chase, but you scared the rabbit and now he won't come out of the rabbit hole."

"Exactly!"

"You need to back off."

"What? The best strategy would be to attack!"

"But it's not working, is it? So you need to back off, give him time to calm down, and once he gets used to you again, gradually start back up."

"That's ridiculous!"

The Baroness knocked on Cobra Commander's door and waited for a minute before knocking again.

"Come in!"

She opened the door, walking in to find Cobra Commander at his desk, working. "I'm done reading 'A Ninja Lies', are there any more in the series I haven't read?" she said as she set the book on the edge of the desk.

Cobra Commander sighed. "No, the nexsst one doesssn't come out for a while. You could read 'Fifty Ssshades of'- wait, no, that one wasss ruined." He tapped the end of the pencil against his mask. "It'sss not really worth reading, anywaysss."

"Pity." She watched him for a few minutes, as he worked on some sort of report. "I heard you sent Serpentor a bunch of dead roses for Valentine's Day. That... wasn't really an appropriate gift, you know?"

"I did no sssuch thing."

"Please, Serpentor is bragging about how the note was on that snake themed stationary you have."

"Wasssn't me. I ran out of that ssstationary and forgot to get more."

The Baroness rolled her eyes. "I get that you don't want to admit to having anything to do with Serpentor, but honestly, if you're going to get him gifts, maybe you should do a little research first on appropriate gift giving, hmm? For example, Destro took me out to a nice dinner, gave me a box of chocolates for every year we've been together, and gave me a dozen LIVE roses. That's appropriate for Valentine's Day."

"I'd rather date a Joe. Besssides, I do know all about appropriate giftsss. I had a wife before. Maybe you remember I had a ssson with that woman?"

"Hmph, excuse me for trying to give you some friendly advice. How would I know what kind of gifts you gave her or if you even gave her any at all? And really, it's been how long since you left your wife?"

The Viper set down the last of the drinks in front of Cobra Commander and then left, closing the door behind him. The Commander looked up from his report and pushed it to the side, towards Serpentor.

"Zartan, why are they here?" the Baroness asked.

Zartan glared at Buzzer, Torch, and Ripper for a moment. "The last time I left them alone, they got into Zarana's stuff, played dress up, and made a video of it. I'm just giving Zarana a bit of a break from them, luv."

The Baroness snorted. "You mean you're keeping them out of her reach until she calms down. But why bring them to this meeting?"

"I'd rather not leave them on their own in the Terror Drome. You-know-who is sensitive about having his property damaged." The Baroness put her hand on her forehead, shaking her head slightly.

"You know we're right here!"

"Yeah, what Buzzer said! We don't have to sit here and be insulted, man," added Ripper.

"Are we being insulted?"

"Yes, Torch."

"You three pipe down and drink," Zartan paused to look in his cup. "Whatever this is, mates."

"Grape soda for your minions, Zartan, as much as I might despise it, I know it'll keep them quiet," Mindbender said.

The Baroness' lip curled up in distaste. "I hope we all didn't get grape soda."

"Of course not, Anastasia, I brought the acai and chia seed smoothie recipe you like so much and had the kitchen prepare it for you."

"Destro, how thoughtful of you!"

Mindbender and the twins rolled their eyes, the twins taking sips of their coffee. They both set their cups down, frowning at them.

"Did someone switch-"

"Out our coffee beans?"

"No, no one has touched your precious fru-fru coffee. Now let us get this meeting started! This, I command!" Serpentor said, reaching for his drink.

The twins gave their monthly financial report, Destro, a video demonstration of his latest weapon, and Cobra Commander, a report on the latest losses as well as the status of the long-term plans they had running. Mindbender was last, simply stating he had a promising new mind control experiment he was currently testing.

"Tomorrow morning we will meet back here to discuss new plans. This, I command!"

"Wait, why..." The Baroness shook her head before continuing. "Why not just do that now?"

"We'll have the small scale results for some of the plans available tomorrow," Mindbender said, rising from his seat.

***********************

"W? Wh? What happened, man?"

Buzzer groaned. "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, Ripper."

Torch clawed his way to his knees, using the bed, and half flopped on it. "Why are we in the same room, on the floor, and naked?" he said into the covers.

"This is the worst hangover ever. I don't even remember drinking anything last night," Buzzer said, head between his knees.

"You didn't drink anything-" Tomax said from the other bed.

"Unless our drinks at the meeting were spiked," Xamot finished for his brother as he rolled away from Tomax and fell to the floor.

"Ow!"

"Sorry."

"I don't remember anything. Does anyone else remember anything?" asked Ripper as he started crawling around on the floor, looking for his clothing. He found a pair of jeans and after careful inspection, decided they weren't his and threw them at Torch.

"We really wish-"

"We didn't remember anything."

"Man, what are we doing in Tomax and Xamot's room?"

"Ripper! Stop asking questions. I don't want to know the answer!"

"Agreed, ugh, let's never speak-"

"Of this. It never happened."

*******************************************

"I trust you two slept well?" Mindbender inquired, meeting Destro and the Baroness in the hallway on the way to the conference room.

"How should I know?!" snapped the Baroness. "Someone turn down the lights!" she shouted at the ceiling, immediately wincing afterwards.

"Yes, I have a headache-"

"Almost like it's the biggest hangover you've ever had? That's probably pretty big, eh Destro? I bet you can hold your liquor."

Destro scowled at Torch. Ripper and Buzzer trailed behind slowly, Tomax and Xamot even further behind. The twins were sporting sunglasses. "Why are you so chipper this morning?"

"Hangover's nothing new, besides, I think I had a good night. Can't remember though," Torch answered, shrugging.

"Yes, because waking up in an unusual place, with the usual people, and god knows what- You know what, never mind. You, Viper, bring some aspirin immediately!" the Baroness said, pointing at one of the guards in the hallway. The Viper took off running.

"Stop! This, I command!"

"No! Go away! Leeeave meee ALONE!" Cobra Commander ran down an adjacent hallway, reaching the conference room and slamming the door shut.

Serpentor reached the door and started pounding on it. "You will stop running from me and join me! This I command!"

"Go take a cold ssshower! Ssstop chasssing me and leave me alone. I am not your boyfriend!"

"You are my underling and if I say you are my boyfriend, you are. This, I command!"

"Find sssomeone elsse, you giant corncob!"

"No! I love you and you will do my bidding! This, I command!"

"I... didn't put anything in his drink, why is he acting like that? Mindbender pondered, walking closer to the conference room. Behind him, Destro grabbed the Baroness, stopping her from throttling the scientist.

"Hurry up and open the door, you foolsss. It'sss freezssing," Cobra Commander said, brandishing one of his beloved books at a pair of Vipers at the door.

"That wouldn't be a problem if you didn't build Terror Dromes at both poles and Siberia. This, I command!"

"It wasss a good idea at the time. I wasss tired of having to take a ssshower asss sssoon asss I arrived. Ssstupid ssswampsss."

"Instead, you now spend an hour trying to get warmed back up. Build in a warmer climate. This, I command!"

"Build your own Terror Drome. Why are you here again?"

"Making sure you don't try something foolish. There are rumors you are planning a coup de'tat during the next attack on the Joes."

"I would never do sssuch a thing. Can't you idiotsss get the blasssted door open fassster?" Serpentor snuck up on Cobra Commander while he was addressing the two Vipers who were frantically trying to warm up the door enough to get it open. He put his arms around Cobra Commander, tucking his head under his chin.

"Get it off! Get if off! What are you doing? Have you lossst your mind? That sssshouldn't be posssssible sssince you don't have one! Get off of meeeeeeeee!" Cobra Commander screamed.

"I'm just helping you stay warm. Don't be such an ingrate. This, I command!"

"Then go help the Vipersss get the door open!" Cobra Commander started frantically using his book to swat at Serpentor. Serpentor let go in surprise and Cobra Commander turned around and started batting him with the book. Serpentor started running around, trying to get away from Cobra Commander. The Vipers paused to watch their two leaders as Serpentor picked up some snow and then threw a snowball at Cobra Commander, who used the book to block it.

"You know, if the pay and the medical weren't so good..."

"I hear ya, man, I hear ya."

"Why are you trying to hit me with the book? Stop! This I command!"

"Is that the latest book?"

"Hmm?" Cobra Commander said, looking up briefly from the page. "You want to borrow it after I'm done, Baronesssss?"

"Yes, I'm almost done with the last one." She tapped her fingernail on the edge of her chair. "Did someone else write that one? It's only been three months."

"I wasss sssurprisssed asss well. I didn't even know about it or order it. You sssee the title? It'sss a collection of ssstoriesss."

"'A Ninja's Shorts'? So, it's an anthology, but how did you get it if you didn't order it?"

"I now have a benefactor, it ssseemsss. All future booksss have been preordered and paid for."

"Who... who would do that?"

"I don't know or care right now."

******************************************

"Sir? May I ask what this expense is to Amazon? It's quite large."

"I bought some books. It is my money. This, I command."

"Of-f-f course it is, Sir. It's just, the Twins like to have the details for every purchase and get quite cross if they don't know where the money is going."

"Well you have your details now. Be gone! This, I command."