The Ups & Downs of Our Parenting Style
I have a lot of people interested in how parenting has changed my life in a variety of ways. Before I can have a meaningful conversation about parenting, it’s important to know the choice of parenting style I have aligned myself with. I chose Attachment Parenting.
Before I jump into what it is and why I’ve chosen this style, it’s important to me that everyone understands that I support parents choosing different styles than I have. Parenting is exhausting work and you have to do what works for you. This is just what has worked best for us.
I strongly believe that each mother and family should choose a parenting style, or a mix of styles, that fits their needs.
What is Attachment Parenting?
The philosophy behind attachment parenting is that the parent-infant relationship should be one of comfort, empathy, and emotional responsiveness. This includes rearing your child with as much physical closeness as they want. The belief is that this relationship will provide the most nurturing environment and a strong sense of safety to the child and their feelings toward their parents, creating deep lifelong bonds. The hope is that this will help to raise children to be more attuned to their emotions and empathetic toward others.
The ideas behind Attachment Parenting have been in Western culture since after World War II. However, when looking at the history of child-rearing during evolutional times and in parts of the third world today, this parenting style is the norm.
To be honest, I didn’t even know what Attachment Parenting was until Xander was at least 6 months old. I had been following his cues to guide my decisions, and Mike and I made parenting decisions as they seemed to be the best choice for our family. Many of these decisions were not planned, and in fact different from our expectations - examples include co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding (nursing longer than 1 year of age).
At a certain point, multiple friends of mine told me that I should join an Attachment Parenting group and my entire life changed. I suddenly felt supported and reinforced in my belief that following my instincts was right. It was as though a lightbulb turned on, letting us know that we were, in fact, making good choices for Xander.
This style appealed to me for a number of reasons.
1) I view empathy as the most important human trait. I believe the best way to teach empathy to Xander is to teach by example, talking to him about his emotions and ensuring that his needs will be met if he communicates what he is feeling.
2) As someone who studied Biological Anthropology in college, this philosophy appealed to me due to its ties with how humans evolved.
3) As a feminist, I feel like it is my choice to parent my son the way that I want. Even if others think its weird that I breastfeed a two-year-old or that Mike and Xander sleep together more than Mike and I do right now, it is our personal choice. What matters is that we feel like we are making the best loving home for our toddler.
4) My son will only love me the way he does right now for a short time. Why rush these sweet baby and toddler days when I’m his entire world. In the future, I’ll look back at these times and miss it. I want to enjoy every minute of this love while I can.
From a day to day practical standpoint, you might be asking what is different for us based on this choice. The basic traits of Attachment Parenting are the following:
- Listening to your baby: If your baby cries, it’s because they need something. An attachment parent tries to solve whatever is making their baby cry, even if that need is the mere comfort of closeness. A large part of this is listening to my own instincts and letting my gut emotions decide how to take care of Xander (more when he was an infant than now). Now that he can communicate, it’s more about trying to get him to convey what he needs or wants in a respectful way.
- Birth bonding: This ties into my decisions to try to have a natural birth. The idea is that if you have your baby in a natural setting, with delayed cord clamping and immediate skin-to-skin contact, that your baby will instantly know you are their home.
- Breastfeeding and child-led weaning: Medically, it’s advised that (if possible) babies breastfeed for their first year. Any nursing beyond one year is considered extended breastfeeding. In Attachment Parenting, it’s encouraged to let your child decide when they are done breastfeeding. In cultures where child-led breastfeeding is the norm, children generally stop between 3 and 4 years of age.
- Babywearing: This includes slings, carriers, wraps, and other ways to have your infant pressed against you. The idea is that constant physical closeness helps with bonding, calming babies to sleep, and allowing the mother to get things done while still comforting her child.
- Co-sleeping: This simply means that the baby/child sleeps in the same bed as the parent(s). The advantages are largely related to breastfeeding ease and getting more sleep for all from a lack of waking for night feedings. Additional factors include further comfort associated with being close and the baby knowing that their parent is there for them all night.
- No sleep training: Related to co-sleeping, no sleep training means that you do not enforce the “cry it out” philosophy or other regimens to encourage your child to self-sooth themselves to sleep. For those who do sleep train, I respect your strength. I can’t imagine listening to Xander cry for his own good. I just don’t have it in me. I personally feel like this can be traumatic for a child and hurt the relationship of trust between a child and parent.
- Balance: This aspect is harder to define, but the core belief is that balance is important. That’s something I think everyone can agree on. This can mean different things to different families. For us, this has meant that Mike takes on the brunt of many parenting chores that are traditionally taken on by mothers. Mike is an incredible father who has changed most of Xander’s diapers. Mike was also the stay-at-home parent from months 5 through 14, which allowed the two of them to share a unique, special bond. We both provide him comfort when he is injured, sick, or sad, which is useful for when one of us is busy, tired, or emotionally drained.
Feminist criticism: While I feel that my choice is feminist, others argue that Attachment Parenting discourages mothers from leading their own life and following career ambitions. The idea is that mothers who do not follow this philosophy are made to feel guilty for not providing for their child’s every need. Like in any cultural belief structure, there are extremists. Some Attachment Parenting individuals believe that a mother returning to work is devastating on a baby. Others believe that you can find a balance to have both a fulfilling career and meet your child’s every need.
Safety concerns: There is a lot of controversy over the safety of co-sleeping. Some say the risk of infant death is higher and other studies prove the opposite, with a lower rate of SIDs. I think what is important is that there are safe ways to co-sleep, you just have to take the appropriate precautions.
Societal misunderstandings: Attachment Parenting is widely misunderstood. It doesn’t mean that mothers lives are solely defined by their baby. Also, a child who is raised this way isn’t incapable of any self-soothing or independence. They simply have a relationship with their parents that is based on trust and compassion. You can easily find ways to encourage independence as an Attachment Parent.
First of all, nursing is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. I support any mother's decision not to breastfeed, especially due to emotional or physical challenges brought on by nursing. It is also very rewarding and many of my favorite memories of Xander as a little baby include those nursing cuddles. However, I have consistently been ahead of Xander in being ready to wean. I never expected to nurse a two-year-old. I don’t want to force him to stop, but I also don’t want this to go on forever. Practically, I know he will stop eventually, but encouraging this has been very difficult.
Babywearing wasn’t something that worked very well for us for very long. Xander preferred to explore and when he did want closeness, he usually wanted me and nursing. Nursing with my carrier didn’t work well and more challenging was my neck, shoulder, back, and hip alignment issues. Living in chronic pain, I was unable to wear Xander for extended periods of time and eventually, he weighed too much for me to carry him this way at all. By the time he could walk, he wanted nothing to do with it anymore anyway.
From the time Xander was roughly 2 months until he was roughly 6 months old, we LOVED co-sleeping with all three of us in bed for most of the night. Once I started working, we had to limit the night feedings or I would be over exhausted at work. However, we would spend half of the night all sleeping together, and then Mike and Xander would move into the guest room after the 3am feeding for all of us to get more sleep the rest of the night. Eventually, I think around his 1st birthday, Mike and Xander started to sleep in a different bed to eliminate night feedings completely. This came with some shifts in family dynamics, but I think we handled them well.
At this point, the arrangement is perfect for my work schedule. I say goodnight to Xander and Mike at bedtime and go downstairs to work for the night. Not sharing a bed changed some dynamics in our marriage, but overall it just shifted when we have “us” time. I also believe we better appreciate time just the two of us as well. We adapted quickly and keep an open line of communication with each other to ensure our relationship needs are being met. Overall, one of my biggest concerns is that people will make assumptions about our marriage when they learn about our sleeping arrangement. I want people to understand that this is not a permanent situation. We have a small window in which Xander will want to share our bed. I want us to enjoy that while we can.
Now that Xander is a toddler, we have run into occasional discipline issues. Sometimes talking doesn’t work, such as when he isn’t listening at all. We have to find the right balance of compassion and being stern, and right now it sometimes feels like a constant struggle.
Sidenote on extended breastfeeding:
I have struggled a lot with the societal standards of only breastfeeding infants. I feel uncomfortable when Xander tries to nurse in public places or even at social gatherings. This uncomfortableness comes from a place that has more to do with my insecurities and desire to be accepted than it does with what I feel is right for my child or anything to do with modesty. I have done extensive research on this topic and learned some things that have helped shape my beliefs about this situation.
I fully believe that breastfeeding got even more challenging once women started being a part of the traditionally male-dominated workforce. It is extremely hard to balance being a mother and working outside the home, and nursing is just another challenging aspect of this. I also feel like in order to leave this choice up to the mother for her child’s sake, we should have better maternity laws in place and that workplaces should have well thought out plans in place for new mothers to pump (after the first year too!), including adequate time to do so and a comfortable, private place.
I also believe that a large factor of the social stigma against breastfeeding, particularly uncovered feedings in public areas, is due to the over-sexualization of women in our society. The patriarchal structure we are built on implies that breasts belong to men, for men’s pleasure to gaze at, especially when they are exposed.
This is largely why I view Attachment Parenting as a feminist choice. I own my breasts and the reason I have them evolutionarily is to feed my child. If I want to nurse him until he is five, that should be my choice. There shouldn’t be anything inappropriate about a child nursing from their mother since that is why boobs exist in the first place.
