A little snippet from my story Since You Came Along. My contribution to Clextober Day 3: Sweater Weather. I just really love how it turned out...
Bone deep exhaustion wasn’t something Clarke felt most days. Even with a four-year-old little boy running circles around her from dawn to dusk (and usually beyond…) and an art gallery that was slowly gaining a foothold in the world of celebrity and renown, she normally had a little reserve of energy at the end of her day.
Not that October evening though.
She felt as if ever single action was taking twice as much energy they usual did. She checked her watch again, eager to see the hand progress since she’d last looked, then barely managed to bite back grumbles of discontentment when they’d barely moved.
Thinking through her options, she leaned forward, pressing her forehead against the pole she was holding onto. If she pushed herself a bit, ran a block or so when the train finally came to a stop, she’d make it home with an hour or so before Jacob’s bedtime.
For just a second, she allowed herself a little smile, she thought of her neat little apartment in Soho. A year before, it was a dream, something to think about when her husband started on one of his rants. A place for herself and Jacob. For all her dreams and plans and schemes, for every whispered talk with Raven, Clarke had been certain it would never actually happen.
And now, even through her exhaustion, she could smile to herself at the thought of having just such a place.
Part of that smile was for the other person she knew was waiting for her at home. When she’d told her girlfriend about the meeting she had up in Harlem, part of a new project she was working on, Lexa had automatically assumed that meant it was going to be her day to pick up Jacob from daycare and watch him for the evening. Her excitement at the flow of ideas about what they could spend their time doing stopped Clarke from correcting her thinking. A simple text to Raven letting her know she was off the hook was all it took.
As she thought back on that afternoon the week before, Clarke was pulled back to reality by the train rattling to a stop. She took a deep breath and allowed herself one last moment to feel the absolute tiredness in her bones. As she released the air slowly, she rolled her neck from side to side, trying to urge the tension away.
It didn’t work, of course, but she had to try.
The doors opened with a hiss, allowing Clarke to follow the flow of bodies onto the platform. She lifted a shoulder and ducked her head in a futile bid to ward off the obviously drunk man who was grinning at her as he approached. Then, with moves only the mother of a small child could manage, she side-stepped the little girl who suddenly stopped right in front of her.
Her eyes sought out the stairs, a mere fifteen or so feet away, and she gritted her teeth. They were so close but with every maneuver she had to execute to dodge the people on the platform, every inch felt like a mile. The half a minute it took her to reach the first step felt like hours.
By the time she was above ground, she could feel her eyes burning. Clarke tried to tell herself it was from the unseasonably cold breeze smacking her in the face but she knew it was either from the stress of being on the go all day or the tiredness that saturated her very being to the core.
Lifting her messenger bag, she secured it to her chest with an arm as she started to jog toward home. She stayed close to the street, hoping that would leave her path a little clearer.
With every duck and dodge she could feel anger starting to build.
That anger was battling with tiredness.
Couldn’t those people see she was in a hurry?
She pushed herself onward until finally, finally, she was in front of her building.
With a single nod and as much of a smile as she could muster, Clarke greeted the doorman.
“Ms. Griffin,” he said with his typical lopsided grin as he opened the door for her.
Hurrying to the elevator, Clarke tapped out a rhythm of impatience on her thigh until the doors finally opened with a ding. Once inside, she pressed the button for her floor, holding herself upright until the doors slid closed. Only then did she allow herself to sag against the wall with a sigh she was sure came from her soul.
It took her a much longer internal lecture, and hitting the ‘open door’ button several times, before she could bring herself to actually leave the elevator. Only the thought of being home and wrapped up in her favorite fuzzy blanket on the couch with Lexa next to her and Jacob chattering away about something he’d learned that day had her feeling motivated enough to actually get moving.
The door opened before she could even slide the key in, Jacob was standing in front of her. The smile on his face was typical after an afternoon with Lexa. It stretched across his little face, from ear-to-ear was an apt description, and lit up his blue eyes.
“Hi, Mommy! Yexa let me stand on the ladder and look through the peeper while I waited for you!” He chirped up at her as he threw his arms around her thighs. He nuzzled into the soft fabric of her sweater that was hanging below the hem of her jacket. “She was behind me the whole time though! She only left once I got down!”
“Hello, Jacob,” Clarke said. She bent to press a kiss to the top of his head. “Were you good for Lex?”
From behind the boy, the woman in question spoke. “Alec is always good for me, love. What a silly question.”
Taking a second to press another kiss to her son’s head, Clarke forced herself to straighten. She smiled at her girlfriend and rolled her eyes. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
“You calling me a liar, Griffin?” Lexa asked, her eyes narrowing slightly.
“I would never!” Clarke teased back.
Shuffling forward, thanks to Jacob’s ever tightening grip on her legs, Clarke managed to shut the door and turn the locks. She tossed her bag on the small table next to the door and immediately started undoing the buttons on her jacket.
Surely she could get through the rest of the evening without passing out on her feet.
As she turned to hang her jacket on the coat rack, she felt Lexa’s arms slide around her waist, pulling her close. Clarke smiled softly at the feeling of her girlfriend’s nose nuzzling neck.
“Miss me?” She asked, lifting a hand to bury in Lexa’s thick hair. Her fingers scratched at her scalp, knowing how much Lexa loved it.
“Always,” Lexa replied, just like she always did.
Clarke sighed then, content to just remain in the embrace of her son and girlfriend.
But then Lexa straightened. Green eyes searched her face and Clarke knew there was no use in trying to hide anything. Lexa would see it all.
“Alec,” Lexa said softly, her hand falling to rub the boy’s shoulder. “Why don’t you go and get ready for bed? Pajamas and brush your teeth.”
“Aw,” Jacob whined, tipping his head all the way back to stare up at the adults. “But Mommy just got home, Yexa!”
Lexa’s eyes held Clarke’s for just another second or two before she looked down at the boy. She winked and jerked her head toward his room. “I know. But if you go and get ready now, I’m sure we can convince Mommy to let you stay up a little late tonight to get some cuddle time in. How does that sound?”
“Yeah?” Jacob chirped eagerly as she squeezed Clarke’s legs again.
“Of course!” Clarke said as cheerfully as she could manage. She looked down to meet her son’s eyes. “I missed all the cuddles earlier, right? So I need to make up some time now!”
With a shriek of giddiness, Jacob turned and sprinted to his room. Or tried to anyway. He missed the corner and slid into the wall, rattling the pictures above his head a little.
“I’m okay!” He shouted as he scurried into his room.
Clarke chuckled and shook her head. Then she turned back to meet Lexa’s eye. She bit her lips at the expression she read there.
“Lex,” She said with a sigh.
“How about you go and take a nice long shower? I’ll lay out some clothes for you and keep Alec distracted.”
Clarke shook her head. “No. Babe, I’m fine. All good. I just need to get changed into something more comfy. Then we can all cuddle up on the couch.”
Lifting her hands, Lexa cupped Clarke’s face gently. “Love, please just take a little time for you. It’s okay to do that, you know? In fact, I insist.”
“I’m going to FaceTime Raven if you keep refusing,” Lexa threatened. Her tone was smooth as silk but hard as steel. There would be no negotiating.
“Fine,” Clarke finally agreed.
She shuffled closer, wanting a quick kiss and maybe a tight hug before she headed to her bathroom. And, like always, it was like Lexa could read her mind. She looped her arms around Clarke’s hips and caught her lips in a kiss that had Clarke wrapping her arms around Lexa’s neck and sighing when they separated. Then she buried her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck and breathed her in. She burrowed deeper when Lexa’s arms tightened around her.
“Okay, love,” Lexa said after a long moment of silence. She rubbed Clarke’s back gently as she leaned back. “To the shower with you. I’ll keep the kid busy. Take your time.”
*********************************
As much as she told herself she wasn’t going to, Clarke did take her time. She languished under the hot water, though it did nothing to rid her of the tiredness. Part of her felt as if she was washing at least the stress away.
Still, she’d set a timer for twenty-five minutes before stepping under the water and when the dinging sounded throughout the steam-filled room she immediately shut off the water. She grabbed one of the soft bath sheets Lexa had insisted on buying for her from the hook next to the shower, wrapping it tightly around her chest.
Quickly, she used one of the face moisturizers Lexa had left at her place before she pulled her hair up into a messy bun. Taking her time, she rubbed her favorite hibiscus and watermelon lotion into her skin, humming contentedly the whole time.
Then she exited the bathroom as she called out, “You two better be ready to give me my cuddles! I’ll be out in a minute!”
“Mommy!” Jacob’s shout drifted under the door. “Hurry up!”
Clarke smiled as she turned to her bed.
And then her smile faltered.
She wasn’t sure how long she’d stood there but she was startled when Lexa appeared next to her.
“Are you okay?” Lexa asked, her hand came to rest on the small of her back.
Clarke licked her lips and sniffled as she stared down at her bed.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Lexa questioned. She lifted her free hand to cup Clarke’s face. Her thumb moved back and forth across her cheekbone. “Are you just that tired?”
“Where…” Clarke’s voice cracked when she tried to speak. She cleared her throat and bit the inside of her cheek before she tried again. “Where’d you find that?”
Lexa followed the finger she was pointing at the bed. Her brows drew together when she realized she was talking about the flannel shirt resting on top of the comforter.
Lexa shifted until she was sitting on the bed in front of Clarke. Her hands moved to rest on Clarke’s hips. Tipping her head back just enough to meet watery blue eyes, Lexa answered her question. “It was in the back of your closet. I figured you would want something cozy to put on. Did I… was I wrong?”
Clarke shook her head. Her hands shifted from their position holding the towel closed to cup Lexa’s neck. She leaned down, pressing a quick kiss to plump lips.
Without another word, she reached around Lexa to grab her underwear, dropping the towel so she could get dressed. The sweatpants she’d stolen from Raven while they were in high school followed. And then a tank top.
Lexa watched her every movement, still trying to figure out why Clarke had pools of tears in her eyes. But she didn’t question. It seemed like maybe pushing wasn’t a good idea at the moment.
Once Clarke was dressed, she slowly reached for the flannel shirt. She held the shoulders, clasped it tightly as she brought it up to her nose, and pulled in a deep breath. With a watery laugh, she bent to kiss Lexa again.
“I don’t understand what is happening right now,” Lexa admitted against Clarke’s lips.
Sliding on the shirt, Clarke took a moment to do up the buttons and roll the sleeves. She turned her head, burying her nose into the fabric again.
For the first time that evening, Clarke smiled at her girlfriend without a trace of tiredness on her face. She reached for Lexa’s hands, tugging her to her feet. Once she was standing and wrapping her arms around Clarke, an explanation was offered.
“This was my dad’s shirt.”
Lexa’s eyes widened comically. She dropped her eyes to the shirt and fought the urge to grimace.
Of course it was Jake Griffin’s shirt. It was way too big to be Clarke’s and there was no way Clarke would have held onto a shirt that was Finn’s.
“I’m so sorry, Clarke! I just thought it looked-”
“It's fine, Lex,” Clarke interrupted her. She smiled up at her. “Really. I’d forgotten I even had some of his shirts.”
Lexa was shaking her head. “I can grab one of your hoodies for you or something.”
“I used to wrap Jacob in these shirts when he was a baby. On those nights I couldn’t get him to calm down and I could see Finn was getting mad,” Clarke said softly. She tilted her head, rubbing her check against the shoulder of the shirt. “Every single time they soothed Jacob enough that he’d just pass out. Like a magic spell, Lex, I swear. I liked to think it was because he could smell Dad in the fabric and, I don’t know, feel Dad around us. My dad, he was like the human embodiment of a security blanket.”
“I know you miss him,” Lexa offered when Clarke let silence settle. “But still, I should have realized it was his.”
A quiet laugh escaped Clarke. She ran her thumbs over Lexa’s jaw before drawing her down for a kiss. When she pulled back, she pressed her forehead to Lexa’s gently.
“Lex,” She said, her voice almost too quiet to hear, “My dad was one of my favorite people. I know I’ve said this before but he would have absolutely loved you. He just had a way of making you feel safe and… I don’t know, like, wanted. I never felt like I was a burden around him. You know?”
“I’m sorry I never got to meet him.”
Clarke nodded. It was something she’d thought about before, how much she’d have loved to introduce Lexa to her father, how much he’d have enjoyed teasing the usually stoic woman.
“He really was a human security blanket, Lex. I can only think of one place I’ve ever felt safer than I felt when my dad would hug me.”
Nodding, Clarke pulled back and smiled softly. “Yeah. In your arms, Lex. When you hold me I know nothing bad is ever going to happen to me again.”
“Clarke,” Lexa breathed, shocked at the comparison she’d just made.
“It’s only fitting that you picked this shirt tonight, Lex,” Clarke continued. She pulled her into a tight hug. “I really needed a hug from Dad tonight and you’ve kind of made that happen without even realizing it.”
