Valkyrie 101: The Ultimate Guide to the Women Who Choose Your Fate (And Might Kick Your Ass While Doing It)
What Are Valkyries, Anyway? Imagine you’ve just finished living your extremely questionable life. You did some questionable things — good, bad, and ugly — and now you’re on your way to the afterlife. Enter: The Valkyries.
These ladies are the choosers of the dead, the bouncers of Valhalla, the ones who determine who gets to party with Odin and who gets to rot in a mud pit somewhere. They swoop down like badass, winged warriors and take the worthy ones to Odin’s hall, where they’ll prepare for Ragnarok (you know, the apocalypse). Pretty glamorous job.
Their Job: Picking the Best of the Best You thought your job was hard? Try deciding who’s worthy of eternal glory based on warrior potential. They’re watching every battlefield, every skirmish, every attempt at heroism, and weighing it all like a flawless mix of judge, jury, and executioner. (Plus wings and armor.)
It’s not just about who fought bravely, though. They’ve got a thing for drama. So if you’re super extra on the battlefield, ready to die in an epic blaze of glory, a Valkyrie’s probably gonna notice.
How Do They Choose? It's a little more complex than a simple “who fought the hardest” judgment. Think of it like a mix of:
Did you have a dramatic death scene?
How many people did you stab dramatically before your demise?
Was your final act just really extra and intense?
If the answer is “yes” to any of the above, you’ve got a better shot at getting picked up by a Valkyrie for Valhalla. If not... well, enjoy your stay in Helheim. (Not the fun one. The boring one.)
What’s It Like to Be a Valkyrie? They’re not just glorified waitresses for the afterlife party. They’re fierce warriors, often depicted as women with warrior strength, riding majestic horses, clad in shining armor, and carrying spear-like weapons. Don’t even think about messing with one. They’re trained to kill and they do it with style, but they also choose who gets to fight in the biggest, baddest battle ever. (Ragnarok, baby.)
Also, don't try to flirt with them unless you’ve got real game. These gals don’t fall for anyone who isn’t ready to die dramatically. Sorry, not sorry.
Who Are the Valkyries, Anyway? Well, not just anyone gets to wear the crown of “Valkyrie.” There’s a crew, and they all have very distinct personalities. Here are a few:
Brynhildr: The absolute queen of dramatic entrances. She was so badass she pissed off Odin and ended up on an entire questline about love, betrayal, and getting very fiery.
Goll: Not exactly known for her soft touch. She’ll probably give you a side-eye, throw a spear in your direction, and then carry your ass off to Valhalla like it’s no big deal.
Skuld: Known for weaving the fate of mortals. She’s got a strong vibe. Don’t try to change your destiny in front of her unless you want it completely obliterated.
Fun Fact: They’re Not All About War Yeah, yeah, they’re warriors, but these women aren’t just here for bloodshed. They also love a good feast, and when they’re not out gathering the worthy, they’re chugging mead with Odin and getting ready for the ultimate battle of fate. So, yeah, they’ve got some party girl energy too. What’s the point of having an afterlife if you can’t enjoy it?
Final Thoughts: Would You Want to Be a Valkyrie? Sure, they’re terrifying and definitely not the ones you want to anger. But let’s be real, they get to decide who goes to the ultimate afterlife party, which is a pretty sweet gig. If you’ve got a penchant for drama, warrior vibes, and one hell of a loyalty to chaos, Valkyrie life might just be for you.
