#chnyeml

James..

got the man confused asf. it wasn’t a problem eating from the same spoon before so why suddenly? probably thinks back for a whole month as to what he could’ve done wrong 🤨 would only ask if he was sure he didn’t do anything. just a shrug as answer got his brain running laps. keeps staring at the napkin like his eyes are gonna fall out.

“What was that for?” “What was what for?” he raises an eyebrow and grabs the napkin. “This? What was this for?” “That’s a napkin. You use that to wipe stuff.”

would dig his spoon in your cup right after

Juhoon..

would look at you like you just insulted a kitten. would probably look at the spoon he just took a bite from with confusion and inspect it as if expecting to see germs crawling.

“Juhoon..” “hm?” he looks away from the spoon after having halfly zoned out. “Why did you wipe it off?” obviously, not being able to keep up the act- i mean just look at his cute face?? “Was just a prank.” he deadpans. what? a prank? made his mind run through the whole galaxy in less than two seconds for A PRANK?? “A prank?”

Martin..

Blinks once, twice and then picks up your frozen yogurt, holding it out of reach until you give him a valid reason as to why the fuck you wiped the spoon 😒

“Just give it back.” “Only when you tell me why you did that.” Admitting with a huff, “it’s just a stupid prank.” he puts the container back down on the table. “You and your stupid pranks,” he says. “Says you.”

Seonghyeon..

he’d have seen the trend and would just do it too. of course only if you did it first, earning a shocked expression.

“You’re not the only one who scrolls tiktok ya know?” pats your head without looking at you and just keeps enjoying his yoghurt. although after a while he’d pull the same trick just to see your reaction

Keonho..

it’s over. the moment you do that he will lick his spoon and put it in your cup. “keonho!” “don’t act like you suddenly care,” he grins teasingly before taking the bite that was still on your spoon again.

“You’ll debut in a different group. We will try something new,” my ass. Couldn’t they have tried this without me- let someone else be the target. Do I really have to spend my days with teenage boys. All day, every day? Might as well lock me up in a tower instead.

Finally, after recording another video I get to be alone. So stupid. I hear the guys talking loudly- like always, on the other side of the closed door. I huff and put on my headphones scrolling through TikTok.

“Would she ever spend a day with us?” Keonho asks while looking at the door. The rest just shrugs. “Maybe she needs more time. Being pulled away from a group and being added to another so close to debut isn’t easy,” James says and Keonho nods.

I come across a stupid clip of the five guys together. Checking the comments, there are loads that keep talking about me. Of course, the only girl in a boy group will get some h- No? Why are they asking where i am in that clip? Why do they seem concerned? Why do they actually want me? And why should I give a shit? I groan, this is too frustrating. I should do anything for the fans but this?

The comments are everywhere, clips, edits, own posts, videos, pictures.. God. None of them knows the heavy effect, they won’t understand.

Clearly, I’m not the only one who’s seen the comments as barely three hours later we got called in. “You’re going to Lotte World together” before the manager could say another syllable, Seonghyeon cut in. “For free?” The manager pauses- duh? “Company treat, like always.” “But?” Seonghyeon prods. “But it has to be filmed, to show fans all six of you have a good bond.” I roll my eyes. Of course they’d let us do this stuff. More like force but okay.

Walking around an amusement park the whole day is already exhausting enough, but with some dudes I don't want to be with is just hell.

"Which one do you wanna go on?" James asks. It stays quiet for a few seconds before I realised the question was pointed at me. "Oh, uhm. Maybe the Gyro Drop?" I don't know. I'm even shocked I answered the question at all. James nods and starts leading the whole group to the attraction as he's the one with the map. Wouldn't trust the others with readint it. And I myself didn't plan on taking part in these activities at all.

Looking up at the Gyro Drop, it's impressive with a height of 70 meters. Keonho looks over at me. "You picked this one because?" I shrug. "I wanted to do it once." He looks up at the tower and back at me. "Couldn't have picked one closer to the ground?" I shake my head no. He's clearly nervous and he's definitly not the only one.

Seonghyeon shakes the safety bars. "Are they supposed to be this loose?" He laughs as some of the others tighten their grip around the leather. Keonho starts singing a random song to get his mind of the 70 meter he will be thrown up into the air.

After getting back down and the safety bars raising, Keonho loudly, and dramatically declares: “thank you god for getting me back on the ground!” The rest laughs- me too. I try my best not to but it’s getting impossible.

Juhoon turns to me; “you broke him.” I nod, kinda confused as to why they suddenly involve me this much. Normally I wouldn’t have said a word yet.

“This one was fun. Which other coasters do you wanna do?” Martin asks, the camera he has been holding the whole time pointed at me now. “I don’t know.. maybe Keonho should pick so he won’t be traumatised this time.” They start laughing while Keonho exclaims loudly “HEY! THIS ONE WAS HIGH- NOT MY FAULT.”

“What about the Conquistador?” Seonghyeon suggests. “You want Keonho dead?” James says with a slight laugh.

“Here,” Martin says and puts a headband with mouse ears on my head. “Something to remember the day by.” I smile and with a slight nod “Thank you.”

“Guys come on, we’re taking group photos,” Juhoon calls out. “In the photo booth?” Martin asks, obviously- six people won’t fit. “We’ll make it work, it’ll be such a funny result,” Keonho calls out.

Being an SM Ent. trainee is not an easy life. Obviously, before joining the company’s trainee program, I knew that already. I was hesitant to even apply. But am I glad I joined.

Mainly because I made a friend surprisingly fast during trainee years. The hard work day in day out became more bareable with someone by my side, someone I can talk to, someone who understands me.

Yet.. dark moments are still too frequent.

Finally, after hours of practicing I got the dance right. I pick up the hand towel and wipe off my sweat from my forehead, neck and around my eyes. I drop it on my bag and open a bottle of water to drink while checking my phone. 2:53.

I sigh. Another day of practicing 6 hours. I put my phone in my pocket before sitting down on a chair as I start feeling dizzy. Right then, the door opens. I rest my elbow on my thigh and my head on my hand, not having to look up at who entered as there is only one person that could possibly look for me or even know i’m here at this hour.

He sits down on the chair next to me and puts his hand on my back. I close my eyes at the comforting feeling. Only by such a small gesture. I let out a sigh. Anton pulls me closer towards him, letting my head rest on his shoulder.

"How long are you awake now?" He asks, his hand rubbing up and down against my back. "Since 6 in the morning." His hand tenses against my back and his other digs into the fabric of his pants. "Stop overworking. It's not worth it," he says firmly. I open my eyes and raise my head, surprised at his tone.

"You're spiraling into this unhealthy lifestyle of practicing and lack of sleep." He goes quiet for a second. "Let's get you to bed," he says, back to his usual soft way of speaking. Anton takes my head and stands up. I grab my stuff and stand up with him, following his lead.

I open my eyes, the bright light of the practice room buring into my eyes. I move my arms and sit up, rubbing my head. "Don't get up too fast," Anton says as he sits down besides me and gives me a bottle of water. I take it from him and frown. "What happened?" He sighs. "You fainted right after you stood up." I put down that bottle with confusion. "I don't remember fainting." He smiles just a bit, "Have you never fainted before? It's normal to not remember." I process the bit of information before laughing a bit.

i throw some stuff across my room, screaming and crying. tears staining my red hued cheeks. i stop picking up objects and fall down onto my bed, sobbing violently. my hands in my hair, pulling at it as i hunch forward, breath quickening. a bad habit that has only grown over the years.

days, weeks- probably months of keeping all my emotions bottled up. it’s relieving. yet the painful amount of stress won’t disappear.

early mornings to late nights of nothing else but practicing and recording. photoshoots, interviews, content, promotions.. during it all, having to stay strong. keep on a brave face for the members, for the fans.. be the perfect girl they all expect me to be. the perfect girl i’ve been put up to be.

i don’t want to be perfect. i know i’m not. i want to be myself but it’s so hard to be that person when no one allows me to be. no one but him. anton. the one that doesn’t bat an eye when i say something unhinged, when i’m basically bouncing off the walls, when i ramble on and on about a random topic. the one who’s been supporting me no matter what. the one who has took it upon himself to comfort me when needed. the one thats starting to feel like home.

if only he’d be here right now. he’d hold me and tell me everything will be okay and that he’ll always be with me. he’d tell me to stop worrying and- “stop pulling your hair..” a soft voice cuts through my seemingly endless thoughts. i lift my head and my breathing calms down the second i lay eyes on anton.

“didn’t hear you open the door,” i mumble and wipe my eyes. some strands of hair that have been pulled out fall to the ground or stick to my hoodie. he hums and sits down next to me, the old wood creaking. carefully and slow in movements, he starts to pick at my sleeves, getting rid of the hairs. they all slowly fall to the ground, the spot clean as if it hadn’t been filled with strands many times before.

he puts a hand on my back, the warmth spreading through my whole body. the comfort going straight to my heart and then i just break again. tears welling up and hastily rolling down my cheeks like theyre on the run. he pulls me close, my head automatically rests against his chest like every other time he’s held me. i cant help but keep crying. i’m home. home after a two days but it feels like it’s been two centuries.

i open my mouth slightly in an attempt to form a sentence- or a word, which is less difficult at this moment. the only sounds escaping are a few hiccups and sniffles. anton shifts, leaning back against the wall and pulling me comfortably closer. he leans down and rests his head on mine. i sigh, automatically. the sound of his steady heartbeat keeping me chained to earth, although it feels more like heaven.

"don't worry about cleaning up, okay?" i hum in response. of course, he'll take it upon himself to solve this mess. the room that's somehow less messy than my mind and soul. i close my eyes, the only sound i can hear right now is his heartbeat and sot breathing. every other noise that was clear to me before has faded. not even a blast could get me out of this trance-like state.

anton lifts his head and moves his free hand, his fingers combing through my hair without trouble. the action bringing me into a deeper comfort- if that's possible. the darkness in my heart that always builds up when he's not here is starting to get shoved away by the sun. the sun- my sun that anton is.

i let out a sigh, one that contained all the left frustration. no bigger reaction is needed. not now, not when he's here.

"do you mind if i-.." not even having to finish my sentence because he knows what i'm gonna ask. he always says its okay too. "you don't have to ask, you know that." i nod slightly and grab his free hand, not wanting him to leave when i fall asleep. the tension leaves my body fully.

when i open my eyes again, i notice how diferently i'm laying as to how i fell asleep. i move, just slight and immeditatly anton stops me. "sleep more.. it's only been three hours," he says that so carefully, in his soft and gentle tone like i might shatter at any second- like glass that's been dropped multiple times but somehow still hasn't broken yet. and, i really might shatter.

Gyuvin starts whining. “This is so boring.” I look over at him and nod. “Yeah, the first part is basically nothing.” And immediately then the screaming starts. Heather losing her mind after finding out Mike threw away the map. “This is where it starts,” I say. He nods. “obviously.”

“Why would he throw it away?” Gyuvin asks while they argue over the compass. “It’s the forest.” He raises an eyebrow and shakes his head.

I turn my head to look at Gyuvin as they come across the sticks bound together. “Well isn’t that fun,” he murmurs and scratches the back of his neck. Then there’s Mike screaming for help before it goes to them planning to sleep.

In the darkness of the night Heather sits up and turns on the camera as they hear a baby scream. Gyuvin, in response, pulls the blanket closer to his chest. That’s when the characters start running frantically. “Are they dumb?” I laugh at his reaction. “Would you have stayed?” He ponders and shakes his head.

He jumps a bit as Mike and Heather start screaming at each other.

“Go back!” Gyuvin says with a grin. “Did you hear that? He said moo!” I burst out laughing. “He said mooove.” Gyuvin nods, “same thing.”

“I think they’re tripping.” I snicker at his words. “This wouldn’t have happened if they just kept the map,” he shakes his head in a disappointing manner.

I rest my head on his shoulder and he wraps his arm around my waist while Josh is yelling at Heather and Mike yelling back telling him to stop. “Do they think yelling will help?” I shrug.

Josh has disappeared. “He can’t just, have left?” He asks and I shake my head. “At least they’re calmer?” I say and Gyuvin nods in agreement.

Theres distant and loud muffled screams. Gyuvin tenses, his arm around me tightening in grip. “She got him?” I let out a hum as response. And as they keep yelling for Josh, all the screams stopped. It’s gone back to the eerie silence.

As heather finds the twigs bound together with fabric and blood dripping from it, she throws it away.

Now going back to open it up. “Ew is that teeth?” “Yes, mister obvious.” He rolls his eyes and holds me close. “That’s really fucked.”

——

“Why enter a random building!?” I shrug. “They’re stupid.” Once again, he nods in agreement. “They’re not even sticking together.” Gyuvin moves the blanket higher again, also wrapping a part of around me.

The not so subtle yelling attracting the characters to go upstairs. “Leave him to fend for himself!” He says so seriously, making me burst out in laughter. “Now don’t go to the basement!”

The hysterical screams of Heather make me reach for Gyuvin’s hand, holding it tightly as he does the same, knowing the amount of comfort it can bring.

Heather find Mike standing in the corner and the camera drops. That’s where it ends. “THAT’S IT?” I turn off the movie, not wanting to sit through the end credits. “They have a sec-“ Gyuvin cuts me off, holding a finger in front of my face. “Hell. No.”

Days of no texts, no sleep. I don’t bother picking up my phone when I don’t get a notification. Scratch that. I look over to see who it’s from. Not Anton? No reply.

I slump to the bathroom. All the emotions bundling up. Having practice again where the teacher just critiques every move of mine. Stress. Self doubt. No one to interact with. Loneliness. Not even a word to my dorm mates. They just accepted it and started leaving me alone, knowing they can’t do anything to fix the state that I currently live in.

I put my hands on each side of the sink and grip it tight, my knuckles white and my muscles aching. Deep breaths. I look in the mirror. Some crust around my eyes from all those sleepless nights, chapped lips, pale skin, dark bags, messy hair. Tears well up in my eyes, the disgust I’m feeling while looking at myself makes me want to scream.

Then my mind goes blank. I hear the mirror cabinet close. I feel a stinging sensation on my arm, multiple times. I feel liquid drop onto my foot. The stinging intensifies, tears run down my cheeks and blood down my arm. I blink once, twice. Realizing what the fuck just happened, I start panicking, breathing heavily.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

The blood keeps flowing. I turn to the shower and let the water run, shoving my arm under it.

The water is coloring red. I turn the water open further, the water pressure higher. I pull my arm away after the water runs down clear again. As fast as I can, I grab ointment, and smear it on. Rushing to grab cotton pads and bandages, making sure it doesn’t start bleeding as bad before I can even wrap the fabric around my arm.

I take a deep breath and look down at the floor. I move a hand through my hair and tug at it before grabbing paper towels to wipe it off the tiles.

Tears fall from my cheeks and mix with the blood. I wipe the back of my hand against my face to get rid of the flowing ones. After everything is as good as gone, I get rid of the wipes and shuffle back to my bed. I grab my phone and open my messaging app, playing one of Anton’s last voice messages. I close my eyes and snicker softly, holding my phone tight and close.

“Hey,” I hear a whisper. “Open your eyes.” I do as such. Seeing Anton in front of me with worry. He rubs his thumb against my cheek. “Toni?” My voice filled with confusion. He’s not supposed to be back for.. well days. I sit up and look around. It’s still my room. Yet there are no walls, everything is surrounded by darkness. A smile spreads on his lips. “I’m always here.” Anton moves his free hand and presses his finger to my chest, right above my heart. I can feel my heartbeat intensifying at it. He grabs my hand, my heart going faster. The sound consumes me, my ears feel like exploding. “Deep breaths.” I nod and take deep breaths. In through my nose, out through my mouth.

A light breeze hits me. My hair moving in front of my face. My heartbeat picking up again. I move my hair out of my face and he’s gone. “Toni?” My voice quivers. “Toni?” I repeat.

I gasp and sit up, swear trickling down my forehead. I grab my pillow and bury my face into it, screaming. My lungs start to hurt and I put my pillow back in its original place. That’s when my phone buzzes. I unlock it, opening on Anton’s voice memo. I swipe it away, scrolling down to see his newest text.

‘How’d my favorite girl sleep?’

*one image attached*