#change is difficult

The Same Old Thing Maybe I’m in a rut. Seeing the same old people at work each day. Eating the same foods over and over again. Having the same mundane conversations with friends. Travelling the same route to work. Shopping at the same stores. Talking to the same people over and over. Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com Sometimes life can be a drag. I struggle with changing my routine. I…

Like playing a role for so many years that the mask is worn and feels like it still belongs on your face even though the breathing holes are caked in dust and nearly halfway closed. The face underneath is familiar but at the same time perplexing. You must be projecting from somewhere. This isn't the person you've been told you are and were trying to be. Am I still trying to be? When they say be yourself, it's always been the easy route: be that which pleases your audience most. Rejection is painful; appearing a fool is worse.

You're smart; why would you have trouble knowing yourself? Because being smart means I know exactly how to mislead myself. I can out-logic my own arguments all day long. And to avoid the self doubt that will plague me if I do, I let others define me and tell me what I am. When others take the pressure off, you don't feel pressured to know yourself anymore. That burden is no longer yours, but the ability to self define is also removed. When you've done that for so long, is it any wonder that your self looks like a delusion, something that smells like it could be you but you doubt your own instincts in recognizing it? That you require that outside validation to make sure you're right?

Because that's what is really eating at you. You can see what's there and logic tells you that you've been wrong. That the people you let define you are wrong. And that is the worst. Being wrong is just....wrong. You thought it was a moral quandary, that you needed the moral high ground no matter what. That the rules mattered. They didn't, not really.

Being factually wrong is what kills you, the shadow glares at you. And you were wrong for so long because it was easier, easier to let others impression of you guide your persona. Because it was easier than facing their disappointment and you feared losing all their love because they wouldn't like your insides.

Well, you let the shadow out and the ones who couldn't help their disappointment are gone now. It still feels weird and you glance at the scaffolding in the heap once in a while, contemplating if you made the right call. Self doubt doesn't really go away, especially after so many years of questioning your worth. You can't help your patterns. Knowledge and a quick mind is all you've been able to offer, or so you've thought. How boring.

But.

It might be enough to carry you through the darkness and you'll just have to have some faith that it will be. You've cleared the rumble. Know yourself, love yourself, speak yourself.

Here Comes the Change There are many ways change occurs in our lives. Sometimes it is quick and jarring, leaving trauma and drama in its wake. These are the changes that make you consider living a different way. Nothing will ever be the same. But more often, change is like a dripping faucet. As each drop slowly accumulates, you never notice until the thing that once was one way is now totally…

Inevitable and Constant Force

Here Comes the Change

There are many ways change occurs in our lives. Sometimes it is quick and jarring leaving trauma and drama in its wake. These are the changes that make you consider living a different way. Nothing will ever be the same. But more often, change is like a dripping faucet, as each drop slowly accumulates you never notice until the thing that once was one way, is now totally…