#celtexit

After the call, the Welsh government claimed the prime minister had been "open to a conversation" about giving the Senedd more powers.

Newly elected SNP MP Lara Bird appeared to cross her fingers while swearing allegiance to King Charles III in the House of Commons on June 22. The moment drew attention after footage from the oath-taking ceremony was shared online, prompting discussion about whether the gesture carried any political significance. Bird was elected in the Arbroath and Broughty Ferry by-election in Scotland and is currently pursuing a PhD in International Law and Legal Studies at King's College London. She represents the Scottish National Party (SNP), which advocates for Scottish independence from the United Kingdom. There has been no official statement from Bird regarding the gesture, and it remains unclear whether it was intentional or symbolic.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN UK HISTORY EACH DEVOLVED ADMINISTRATION IS LED BY PARTIES THAT BELIEVE IN SELF DETERMINATION AND BELIEVE IN INDEPENDENCE..

Celtexit: Democracy Is Sacred Until It Produces a Government That Actually Works The constitutional panic is magnificent: Reform has not won the next election, yet several politicians are already measuring Britain for four separate removal vans. Marxists Threaten to Dissolve United Kingdom Unless Failed Policies Receive Another 100 Years to Begin Working — Welcome to Celtexit Celtic progressives announce they will take their ball, their bureaucracy and several billion pounds of English subsidies home if voters elect Nigel Farage By Morag Sinclair | BELFAST The rise of Reform UK has prompted politicians in Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales to prepare for the possible breakup of the United Kingdom, according to reporting by "The Guardian on constitutional fears surrounding a Farage-led government" (theguardian.com). The newspaper reports that political leaders are considering referendums, Irish unification and even a new Celtic alliance should British voters recklessly exercise democracy without obtaining permission from the people who explain democracy professionally. Bloomberg has since clocked the same tremor, reporting that Farage has become a central figure in the political upheaval of Scottish and Welsh nationalism — a development officials are now filing, quietly, under the working title Celtexit. Full Marxism, All the Time, or We Take the Country Apart: Celtexit's Opening Offer The emerging threat is ultimately straightforward. If British voters reject endless managerial socialism, political leaders may take their ball and go home. This is unusual because the ball belongs jointly to four nations, the air pump is in Westminster and England paid for the net. Nevertheless, officials insist that a Reform government would change Britain so radically that continuing the union could become impossible. Apparently, national unity depends not on shared history, institutions, defence, trade, family ties or citizenship, but on everyone voting correctly forever. That is not a union. That is a hostage situation with regional development grants. The helpful solution is clear. Britain must hold elections in which voters are allowed to choose any government, provided it supports high taxation, mass bureaucracy, weak borders, expensive energy and the gradual replacement of national confidence with laminated guidance. Every ballot paper should contain two options: A. Full Marxism, 100 per cent of the time. B. Dissolve the United Kingdom and spend the next fifty years arguing over who owns the traffic cones. Political experts expect Option A to prevail once postal ballots are distributed exclusively through university sociology departments. "I asked my council for a pothole fixed. They said it wasn't in the five-year plan. I said mate, it's a hole, not a Politburo. They said give it a hundred years — the road might heal itself out of sheer ideological momentum." — Fictional comedian Malky Prendergast, on Britain's infrastructure of infinite patience. Socialism Requests Another Hundred-Year Trial Period At the centre of the crisis is the painful possibility that British voters may have grown tired of managed decline. This is difficult for ideological administrators to comprehend. Their policies have produced expensive energy, strained public services, housing shortages, rising taxes and government departments capable of losing a passport between two adjacent desks. Yet these outcomes cannot be blamed on the policies. They prove the policies were insufficiently complete. Under the established doctrine of Full Marxism, every failure demonstrates the urgent need for more of whatever caused it. A government may raise taxes, reduce investment and watch revenue stagnate. The lesson is not to reverse course. The lesson is that several untaxed objects remain somewhere in a cupboard. Economic advisers call this the Broken Toaster Principle. When a toaster repeatedly burns the bread, progressives do not unplug it. They establish a National Toast Authority, appoint a Bread Equity Commissioner and fine households caught using unlicensed butter. The toaster, notably, remains broken. The paperwork, however, rises magnificently. "We have only been trying these ideas for about a century," said Professor Crispin Redistribution, chair of the Institute for Policies That Will Work Next Time. "Capitalism had several thousand years to develop, if you count cavemen exchanging berries. Socialism deserves at least until 2126." Asked how citizens should survive until then, Professor Redistribution recommended patience, lentils and a government podcast. The Union Is Voluntary, but the Direct Debit Is Mandatory Former Welsh first minister Mark Drakeford reportedly warned that English nationalism could leave Wales as a "progressive pimple" in a diminished United Kingdom. He also described the UK as a voluntary association whose members must be able to choose whether to remain or leave. Voluntary associations are wonderful. A gym is a voluntary association. A book club is a voluntary association. A neighbourhood committee investigating an unauthorised garden shed is technically voluntary, although nobody has ever escaped one alive. The United Kingdom, however, is a voluntary association in which England supplies most of the membership fees but is discouraged from speaking during meetings. Scottish nationalists may demand independence. Irish nationalists may seek unification. Welsh nationalists may discuss a new Celtic partnership. English nationalism, by contrast, is treated as an unexploded suitcase found beneath a railway bench. "The English must be brought into the constitutional conversation," said one concerned official, before adding, "although naturally they must not dominate it merely by representing most of the population." A proposed equality formula would give England one vote, Scotland one vote, Wales one vote, Northern Ireland one vote and newspaper columnists eleven votes. Farage Accused of Governing Before Taking Office — Celtexit's Star Defendant The most remarkable element of the emergency is that Farage has not yet become prime minister. He is being held responsible for constitutional crises scheduled to occur following an election that has not happened, based on policies that have not been enacted, after parliamentary debates that have not been held. This is known as pre-traumatic governance disorder. Sufferers experience vivid flash-forwards in which Reform wins an election, Britain leaves the European Convention on Human Rights, immigration laws are enforced and BBC panel programmes contain only four critics of Farage instead of the traditional five. Former Welsh leader Drakeford reportedly raised the prospect of "ICE-like snatch squads" operating in Britain. This prediction caused immediate alarm among activists who had previously believed immigration enforcement consisted of sending arrivals a strongly worded leaflet explaining that deportation might occur after seventeen appeals, three documentaries and a favourable weather forecast. The hypothetical squads are expected to be so ruthless that they may ask whether someone has a legal right to remain before offering tea. BBC Wales reports the reverse side of this coin: Reform is now openly courting Senedd seats and coalition partners in Wales, which rather undercuts the theory that Farage is a man to be feared rather than a man to be negotiated with over coffee. Ireland Warned It May Receive Northern Ireland — The Celtexit Invoice Irish politicians are also preparing for the possibility of reunification. This has introduced an awkward new stage into Irish nationalism: discovering the invoice. The Guardian reports that estimates of Britain's annual financial support for Northern Ireland range from approximately £6 billion to £20 billion. Irish political figures fear such figures could become an issue under Farage. For decades, reunification was presented as a stirring historical destiny involving flags, songs and solemn speeches. It is now entering the estate-agent phase. Dublin officials have reportedly begun examining the property more carefully, asking whether the roof is sound, why the heating bill is so high and whether the existing occupants intend to keep arguing in the driveway. A source close to the Irish government said, "We remain emotionally committed to unification, but nobody mentioned direct debit." Northern Ireland responded by emphasising that it produces a disproportionate share of the UK's food and plays an important national-security role. This forced officials to confront a terrible possibility: nations may contribute things that cannot be captured by a single slogan printed on the side of a bus. Wales Prepares to Become Scandinavia Without the Money Should the United Kingdom fracture, Wales might associate with Scotland and Ireland in a Celtic alliance modelled on the Nordic Council. The plan has been welcomed by consultants who confirmed that Wales possesses several Nordic essentials, including rain, wind, knitwear and citizens standing silently at rural bus stops. The alliance would enjoy Scandinavian levels of public expenditure without the burden of Scandinavian productivity, sovereign wealth funds or globally competitive industries. Its parliament would rotate between Cardiff, Edinburgh and Dublin, allowing officials to emit three times the carbon while attending conferences on carbon reduction. The new body would establish a common foreign policy, a shared climate strategy and a unified approach to blaming London despite no longer being governed by it. A Welsh government spokesman predicted that the Celtic Council could become "a powerful progressive force." Asked what it would produce, he replied, "Declarations." The Constitutional Ball Goes Home The emerging threat is ultimately straightforward. If British voters reject endless managerial socialism, political leaders may take their ball and go home. This is unusual because the ball belongs jointly to four nations, the air pump is in Westminster and England paid for the net. Nevertheless, officials insist that a Reform government would change Britain so radically that continuing the union could become impossible. Apparently, national unity depends not on shared history, institutions, defence, trade, family ties or citizenship, but on everyone voting correctly forever. That is not a union. That is a hostage situation with regional development grants. The helpful solution is clear. Britain must hold elections in which voters are allowed to choose any government, provided it supports high taxation, mass bureaucracy, weak borders, expensive energy and the gradual replacement of national confidence with laminated guidance. Every ballot paper should contain two options: A. Full Marxism, 100 per cent of the time. B. Dissolve the United Kingdom and spend the next fifty years arguing over who owns the traffic cones. Political experts expect Option A to prevail once postal ballots are distributed exclusively through university sociology departments. Government Response to the Celtexit Panic A government spokesperson reassured the public that no breakup was imminent. "The United Kingdom remains strong, secure and completely committed to holding an emergency summit about whether it will exist next Thursday," the spokesperson said. The Cabinet Office has established a new Union Continuity Taskforce consisting of 400 civil servants, twelve constitutional lawyers, six diversity advisers and one elderly caretaker who remembers where the original documents are kept. Its first report, titled Maintaining Britain Through Strategic Fragmentation, will recommend preserving the country by breaking it into manageable pieces. A Philosopher Explains the Celtexit Crisis London philosopher Cedric Porridge described the controversy as a classic example of conditional democracy. "Conditional democracy means the public is sovereign until it disagrees with the people who taught a seminar on sovereignty," Porridge said. "At that point, the public becomes an extremist threat to democratic values." He illustrated the principle using a pub analogy. "You may order any drink you like," he said, "but if you request beer instead of ethically sourced beetroot water, the landlord dissolves the building." Helpful Advice for Surviving the Celtexit Breakup Citizens should remain calm. English residents are advised to label all household property before Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland begin dividing the assets. Particular attention should be paid to North Sea oil, BBC costume dramas, military submarines, national debt and the good biscuits reserved for visiting heads of state. Welsh citizens should prepare for Nordic integration by purchasing darker jumpers. Scottish citizens should practise applying to rejoin organisations they recently left. Irish officials should verify the financing before accepting delivery. Above all, voters must understand that elections have consequences. The most serious consequence may be discovering that politicians who call themselves democrats sometimes regard the electorate as a badly supervised focus group. Britain's progressive establishment has now made its final offer: Give Marxism another hundred years to begin working, or they will dissolve the country before capitalism embarrasses them by functioning. For the American translation of managed democratic patience, see our sister publication's coverage at Bohiney.com, where the "approved salad" menu comes with a side of eminent domain. What The Funny People Are Saying... 1. Fern Brady "Celtexit — Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland threatening to leave if England votes wrong. I've been threatening to leave Scotland my whole life and I'm still here. It's like a flatmate saying 'I'm moving out' but never actually packing. Meanwhile, England's been paying the rent, buying the milk, and getting told to keep their opinions to themselves in their own house." 2. Larry Dean "My mam read about Celtexit and said, 'So Scotland wants to leave if England votes for Farage?' I said, 'Aye, Mam.' She said, 'They wanted to leave if England voted for Brexit. They wanted to leave if England voted for Boris. They want to leave if England votes for anything that isn't Labour.' She paused. 'Have they considered that maybe Scotland just wants to leave?'" 3. Janine Harouni "The Celtic nations are threatening to take their ball home. My Lebanese family would never. When there's a family dispute, nobody takes the ball home — you all stay in the same room, scream for six hours, then eat together in silence. The English paid for the net, the air pump, and the orange slices. Taking the ball is just rude. My grandmother would slap you with a slipper." 4. Glenn Moore "Wales wants to become Scandinavia without the money. In Glasgow, we call that 'pretending.' You can't just declare yourself Nordic because you've got rain and knitwear. I've got a raincoat and a granny who knits. That doesn't make me Denmark. The Nordic countries have oil, productivity, and functioning governments. Wales has... sheep. Lovely sheep. But not a sovereign wealth fund." 5. Rob Auton "Celtexit. Celtic. Exit. Leaving. Taking ball. Ball belongs jointly. Four nations. Air pump in Westminster. England paid for net. Net. Internet. Web. Web of lies. Democracy sacred. Until wrong government. Wrong. Right. Left. Marxism. Hundred years. Toaster broken. National Toast Authority. Bread Equity Commissioner. Unlicensed butter. Butter. Better. Better off. Off. Exit. Celtexit. Again. Leaving. Again. Always leaving. Never leaving. Staying. Screaming. Eating. In silence. Together. Family." Fifteen Humorous Observations on Conditional Democracy 1. Democracy Is Sacred Until It Produces the Wrong Government Progressive leaders support voting in the same way restaurants support customer choice: diners may select anything printed under "approved salads." Order the steak — order Reform — and the maître d' informs you the whole restaurant is being dissolved for your own ideological digestion. 2. Reform Has Already Destroyed Britain Without Yet Governing It This represents an extraordinary increase in political efficiency. Labour usually requires several budgets to achieve the same result. 3. Marxism Apparently Needs One More Century Socialism has merely been warming up since 1917. Any shortages, bankruptcies or escape tunnels were part of the stretching exercises. 4. The United Kingdom Is Voluntary Until England Volunteers Differently The union is described as a partnership of equals, provided the largest partner continues paying and avoids expressing opinions. 5. Wales May Become a "Progressive Pimple" Former Welsh first minister Mark Drakeford reportedly used that phrase, proving constitutional scholarship has finally merged with teenage dermatology. 6. Politicians Are Planning an Emergency Because Voters Might Vote Fire extinguishers are being installed near ballot boxes in case public opinion becomes dangerously combustible. 7. Farage Is Now Blamed for Referendums He Has Not Called This is preventative accountability, in which a man is convicted before committing the policy, saving valuable court time. 8. The Celtic Nations May Take Their Ball Home Unfortunately, England owns the pitch, maintains the clubhouse and has been paying for most of the orange slices. 9. The Guardian Has Discovered Nationalism Is Dangerous It becomes especially alarming when practised by English people rather than by Scottish, Welsh or Irish politicians wearing culturally significant scarves. 10. Leaving the ECHR Will Apparently Cause Continental Drift Within hours of withdrawal, Wales may float toward Dublin while Scotland nudges Norway and Northern Ireland applies for a mooring permit. 11. The Breakup Is Being Proposed to Save the Union This resembles protecting a marriage by dividing the house, closing the joint account and marrying the neighbour. 12. British Socialism Has Entered Its Warranty Extension Period The product still does not work, but citizens are being told the defects prove they need the premium hundred-year Celtexit service plan. 13. English Voters Are Asked to Fund Devolution but Not Influence It Their constitutional function is similar to a divorced father at Christmas: send money, remain cheerful and do not ask what happened to the bicycle. 14. Every Political Problem Is Now "Trump-Style" A delayed bus, a disputed planning application and an insufficiently progressive village fête can all become Trump-style emergencies before lunch. 15. The United Kingdom May Be Replaced by a Celtic Nordic Council Britain could therefore escape Westminster bureaucracy by creating an international bureaucracy with colder sandwiches. Disclaimer This report concerns constitutional predictions, political melodrama and the remarkable ability of professional administrators to threaten national disintegration while accusing everyone else of instability. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No kingdoms were dissolved during composition, although Wales briefly considered floating toward Norway. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!   https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/ Read the full article

Celtexit: Democracy Is Sacred Until It Produces a Government That Actually Works The constitutional panic is magnificent: Reform has not won the next election, yet several politicians are already measuring Britain for four separate removal vans. Marxists Threaten to Dissolve United Kingdom Unless Failed Policies Receive Another 100 Years to Begin Working — Welcome to Celtexit Celtic progressives announce they will take their ball, their bureaucracy and several billion pounds of English subsidies home if voters elect Nigel Farage By Morag Sinclair | BELFAST The rise of Reform UK has prompted politicians in Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales to prepare for the possible breakup of the United Kingdom, according to reporting by "The Guardian on constitutional fears surrounding a Farage-led government" (theguardian.com). The newspaper reports that political leaders are considering referendums, Irish unification and even a new Celtic alliance should British voters recklessly exercise democracy without obtaining permission from the people who explain democracy professionally. Bloomberg has since clocked the same tremor, reporting that Farage has become a central figure in the political upheaval of Scottish and Welsh nationalism — a development officials are now filing, quietly, under the working title Celtexit. Full Marxism, All the Time, or We Take the Country Apart: Celtexit's Opening Offer The emerging threat is ultimately straightforward. If British voters reject endless managerial socialism, political leaders may take their ball and go home. This is unusual because the ball belongs jointly to four nations, the air pump is in Westminster and England paid for the net. Nevertheless, officials insist that a Reform government would change Britain so radically that continuing the union could become impossible. Apparently, national unity depends not on shared history, institutions, defence, trade, family ties or citizenship, but on everyone voting correctly forever. That is not a union. That is a hostage situation with regional development grants. The helpful solution is clear. Britain must hold elections in which voters are allowed to choose any government, provided it supports high taxation, mass bureaucracy, weak borders, expensive energy and the gradual replacement of national confidence with laminated guidance. Every ballot paper should contain two options: A. Full Marxism, 100 per cent of the time. B. Dissolve the United Kingdom and spend the next fifty years arguing over who owns the traffic cones. Political experts expect Option A to prevail once postal ballots are distributed exclusively through university sociology departments. "I asked my council for a pothole fixed. They said it wasn't in the five-year plan. I said mate, it's a hole, not a Politburo. They said give it a hundred years — the road might heal itself out of sheer ideological momentum." — Fictional comedian Malky Prendergast, on Britain's infrastructure of infinite patience. Socialism Requests Another Hundred-Year Trial Period At the centre of the crisis is the painful possibility that British voters may have grown tired of managed decline. This is difficult for ideological administrators to comprehend. Their policies have produced expensive energy, strained public services, housing shortages, rising taxes and government departments capable of losing a passport between two adjacent desks. Yet these outcomes cannot be blamed on the policies. They prove the policies were insufficiently complete. Under the established doctrine of Full Marxism, every failure demonstrates the urgent need for more of whatever caused it. A government may raise taxes, reduce investment and watch revenue stagnate. The lesson is not to reverse course. The lesson is that several untaxed objects remain somewhere in a cupboard. Economic advisers call this the Broken Toaster Principle. When a toaster repeatedly burns the bread, progressives do not unplug it. They establish a National Toast Authority, appoint a Bread Equity Commissioner and fine households caught using unlicensed butter. The toaster, notably, remains broken. The paperwork, however, rises magnificently. "We have only been trying these ideas for about a century," said Professor Crispin Redistribution, chair of the Institute for Policies That Will Work Next Time. "Capitalism had several thousand years to develop, if you count cavemen exchanging berries. Socialism deserves at least until 2126." Asked how citizens should survive until then, Professor Redistribution recommended patience, lentils and a government podcast. The Union Is Voluntary, but the Direct Debit Is Mandatory Former Welsh first minister Mark Drakeford reportedly warned that English nationalism could leave Wales as a "progressive pimple" in a diminished United Kingdom. He also described the UK as a voluntary association whose members must be able to choose whether to remain or leave. Voluntary associations are wonderful. A gym is a voluntary association. A book club is a voluntary association. A neighbourhood committee investigating an unauthorised garden shed is technically voluntary, although nobody has ever escaped one alive. The United Kingdom, however, is a voluntary association in which England supplies most of the membership fees but is discouraged from speaking during meetings. Scottish nationalists may demand independence. Irish nationalists may seek unification. Welsh nationalists may discuss a new Celtic partnership. English nationalism, by contrast, is treated as an unexploded suitcase found beneath a railway bench. "The English must be brought into the constitutional conversation," said one concerned official, before adding, "although naturally they must not dominate it merely by representing most of the population." A proposed equality formula would give England one vote, Scotland one vote, Wales one vote, Northern Ireland one vote and newspaper columnists eleven votes. Farage Accused of Governing Before Taking Office — Celtexit's Star Defendant The most remarkable element of the emergency is that Farage has not yet become prime minister. He is being held responsible for constitutional crises scheduled to occur following an election that has not happened, based on policies that have not been enacted, after parliamentary debates that have not been held. This is known as pre-traumatic governance disorder. Sufferers experience vivid flash-forwards in which Reform wins an election, Britain leaves the European Convention on Human Rights, immigration laws are enforced and BBC panel programmes contain only four critics of Farage instead of the traditional five. Former Welsh leader Drakeford reportedly raised the prospect of "ICE-like snatch squads" operating in Britain. This prediction caused immediate alarm among activists who had previously believed immigration enforcement consisted of sending arrivals a strongly worded leaflet explaining that deportation might occur after seventeen appeals, three documentaries and a favourable weather forecast. The hypothetical squads are expected to be so ruthless that they may ask whether someone has a legal right to remain before offering tea. BBC Wales reports the reverse side of this coin: Reform is now openly courting Senedd seats and coalition partners in Wales, which rather undercuts the theory that Farage is a man to be feared rather than a man to be negotiated with over coffee. Ireland Warned It May Receive Northern Ireland — The Celtexit Invoice Irish politicians are also preparing for the possibility of reunification. This has introduced an awkward new stage into Irish nationalism: discovering the invoice. The Guardian reports that estimates of Britain's annual financial support for Northern Ireland range from approximately £6 billion to £20 billion. Irish political figures fear such figures could become an issue under Farage. For decades, reunification was presented as a stirring historical destiny involving flags, songs and solemn speeches. It is now entering the estate-agent phase. Dublin officials have reportedly begun examining the property more carefully, asking whether the roof is sound, why the heating bill is so high and whether the existing occupants intend to keep arguing in the driveway. A source close to the Irish government said, "We remain emotionally committed to unification, but nobody mentioned direct debit." Northern Ireland responded by emphasising that it produces a disproportionate share of the UK's food and plays an important national-security role. This forced officials to confront a terrible possibility: nations may contribute things that cannot be captured by a single slogan printed on the side of a bus. Wales Prepares to Become Scandinavia Without the Money Should the United Kingdom fracture, Wales might associate with Scotland and Ireland in a Celtic alliance modelled on the Nordic Council. The plan has been welcomed by consultants who confirmed that Wales possesses several Nordic essentials, including rain, wind, knitwear and citizens standing silently at rural bus stops. The alliance would enjoy Scandinavian levels of public expenditure without the burden of Scandinavian productivity, sovereign wealth funds or globally competitive industries. Its parliament would rotate between Cardiff, Edinburgh and Dublin, allowing officials to emit three times the carbon while attending conferences on carbon reduction. The new body would establish a common foreign policy, a shared climate strategy and a unified approach to blaming London despite no longer being governed by it. A Welsh government spokesman predicted that the Celtic Council could become "a powerful progressive force." Asked what it would produce, he replied, "Declarations." The Constitutional Ball Goes Home The emerging threat is ultimately straightforward. If British voters reject endless managerial socialism, political leaders may take their ball and go home. This is unusual because the ball belongs jointly to four nations, the air pump is in Westminster and England paid for the net. Nevertheless, officials insist that a Reform government would change Britain so radically that continuing the union could become impossible. Apparently, national unity depends not on shared history, institutions, defence, trade, family ties or citizenship, but on everyone voting correctly forever. That is not a union. That is a hostage situation with regional development grants. The helpful solution is clear. Britain must hold elections in which voters are allowed to choose any government, provided it supports high taxation, mass bureaucracy, weak borders, expensive energy and the gradual replacement of national confidence with laminated guidance. Every ballot paper should contain two options: A. Full Marxism, 100 per cent of the time. B. Dissolve the United Kingdom and spend the next fifty years arguing over who owns the traffic cones. Political experts expect Option A to prevail once postal ballots are distributed exclusively through university sociology departments. Government Response to the Celtexit Panic A government spokesperson reassured the public that no breakup was imminent. "The United Kingdom remains strong, secure and completely committed to holding an emergency summit about whether it will exist next Thursday," the spokesperson said. The Cabinet Office has established a new Union Continuity Taskforce consisting of 400 civil servants, twelve constitutional lawyers, six diversity advisers and one elderly caretaker who remembers where the original documents are kept. Its first report, titled Maintaining Britain Through Strategic Fragmentation, will recommend preserving the country by breaking it into manageable pieces. A Philosopher Explains the Celtexit Crisis London philosopher Cedric Porridge described the controversy as a classic example of conditional democracy. "Conditional democracy means the public is sovereign until it disagrees with the people who taught a seminar on sovereignty," Porridge said. "At that point, the public becomes an extremist threat to democratic values." He illustrated the principle using a pub analogy. "You may order any drink you like," he said, "but if you request beer instead of ethically sourced beetroot water, the landlord dissolves the building." Helpful Advice for Surviving the Celtexit Breakup Citizens should remain calm. English residents are advised to label all household property before Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland begin dividing the assets. Particular attention should be paid to North Sea oil, BBC costume dramas, military submarines, national debt and the good biscuits reserved for visiting heads of state. Welsh citizens should prepare for Nordic integration by purchasing darker jumpers. Scottish citizens should practise applying to rejoin organisations they recently left. Irish officials should verify the financing before accepting delivery. Above all, voters must understand that elections have consequences. The most serious consequence may be discovering that politicians who call themselves democrats sometimes regard the electorate as a badly supervised focus group. Britain's progressive establishment has now made its final offer: Give Marxism another hundred years to begin working, or they will dissolve the country before capitalism embarrasses them by functioning. For the American translation of managed democratic patience, see our sister publication's coverage at Bohiney.com, where the "approved salad" menu comes with a side of eminent domain. What The Funny People Are Saying... 1. Fern Brady "Celtexit — Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland threatening to leave if England votes wrong. I've been threatening to leave Scotland my whole life and I'm still here. It's like a flatmate saying 'I'm moving out' but never actually packing. Meanwhile, England's been paying the rent, buying the milk, and getting told to keep their opinions to themselves in their own house." 2. Larry Dean "My mam read about Celtexit and said, 'So Scotland wants to leave if England votes for Farage?' I said, 'Aye, Mam.' She said, 'They wanted to leave if England voted for Brexit. They wanted to leave if England voted for Boris. They want to leave if England votes for anything that isn't Labour.' She paused. 'Have they considered that maybe Scotland just wants to leave?'" 3. Janine Harouni "The Celtic nations are threatening to take their ball home. My Lebanese family would never. When there's a family dispute, nobody takes the ball home — you all stay in the same room, scream for six hours, then eat together in silence. The English paid for the net, the air pump, and the orange slices. Taking the ball is just rude. My grandmother would slap you with a slipper." 4. Glenn Moore "Wales wants to become Scandinavia without the money. In Glasgow, we call that 'pretending.' You can't just declare yourself Nordic because you've got rain and knitwear. I've got a raincoat and a granny who knits. That doesn't make me Denmark. The Nordic countries have oil, productivity, and functioning governments. Wales has... sheep. Lovely sheep. But not a sovereign wealth fund." 5. Rob Auton "Celtexit. Celtic. Exit. Leaving. Taking ball. Ball belongs jointly. Four nations. Air pump in Westminster. England paid for net. Net. Internet. Web. Web of lies. Democracy sacred. Until wrong government. Wrong. Right. Left. Marxism. Hundred years. Toaster broken. National Toast Authority. Bread Equity Commissioner. Unlicensed butter. Butter. Better. Better off. Off. Exit. Celtexit. Again. Leaving. Again. Always leaving. Never leaving. Staying. Screaming. Eating. In silence. Together. Family." Fifteen Humorous Observations on Conditional Democracy 1. Democracy Is Sacred Until It Produces the Wrong Government Progressive leaders support voting in the same way restaurants support customer choice: diners may select anything printed under "approved salads." Order the steak — order Reform — and the maître d' informs you the whole restaurant is being dissolved for your own ideological digestion. 2. Reform Has Already Destroyed Britain Without Yet Governing It This represents an extraordinary increase in political efficiency. Labour usually requires several budgets to achieve the same result. 3. Marxism Apparently Needs One More Century Socialism has merely been warming up since 1917. Any shortages, bankruptcies or escape tunnels were part of the stretching exercises. 4. The United Kingdom Is Voluntary Until England Volunteers Differently The union is described as a partnership of equals, provided the largest partner continues paying and avoids expressing opinions. 5. Wales May Become a "Progressive Pimple" Former Welsh first minister Mark Drakeford reportedly used that phrase, proving constitutional scholarship has finally merged with teenage dermatology. 6. Politicians Are Planning an Emergency Because Voters Might Vote Fire extinguishers are being installed near ballot boxes in case public opinion becomes dangerously combustible. 7. Farage Is Now Blamed for Referendums He Has Not Called This is preventative accountability, in which a man is convicted before committing the policy, saving valuable court time. 8. The Celtic Nations May Take Their Ball Home Unfortunately, England owns the pitch, maintains the clubhouse and has been paying for most of the orange slices. 9. The Guardian Has Discovered Nationalism Is Dangerous It becomes especially alarming when practised by English people rather than by Scottish, Welsh or Irish politicians wearing culturally significant scarves. 10. Leaving the ECHR Will Apparently Cause Continental Drift Within hours of withdrawal, Wales may float toward Dublin while Scotland nudges Norway and Northern Ireland applies for a mooring permit. 11. The Breakup Is Being Proposed to Save the Union This resembles protecting a marriage by dividing the house, closing the joint account and marrying the neighbour. 12. British Socialism Has Entered Its Warranty Extension Period The product still does not work, but citizens are being told the defects prove they need the premium hundred-year Celtexit service plan. 13. English Voters Are Asked to Fund Devolution but Not Influence It Their constitutional function is similar to a divorced father at Christmas: send money, remain cheerful and do not ask what happened to the bicycle. 14. Every Political Problem Is Now "Trump-Style" A delayed bus, a disputed planning application and an insufficiently progressive village fête can all become Trump-style emergencies before lunch. 15. The United Kingdom May Be Replaced by a Celtic Nordic Council Britain could therefore escape Westminster bureaucracy by creating an international bureaucracy with colder sandwiches. Disclaimer This report concerns constitutional predictions, political melodrama and the remarkable ability of professional administrators to threaten national disintegration while accusing everyone else of instability. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No kingdoms were dissolved during composition, although Wales briefly considered floating toward Norway. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!   https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/ Read the full article

Celtexit: Democracy Is Sacred Until It Produces a Government That Actually Works The constitutional panic is magnificent: Reform has not won the next election, yet several politicians are already measuring Britain for four separate removal vans. Marxists Threaten to Dissolve United Kingdom Unless Failed Policies Receive Another 100 Years to Begin Working — Welcome to Celtexit Celtic progressives announce they will take their ball, their bureaucracy and several billion pounds of English subsidies home if voters elect Nigel Farage By Morag Sinclair | BELFAST The rise of Reform UK has prompted politicians in Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales to prepare for the possible breakup of the United Kingdom, according to reporting by "The Guardian on constitutional fears surrounding a Farage-led government" (theguardian.com). The newspaper reports that political leaders are considering referendums, Irish unification and even a new Celtic alliance should British voters recklessly exercise democracy without obtaining permission from the people who explain democracy professionally. Bloomberg has since clocked the same tremor, reporting that Farage has become a central figure in the political upheaval of Scottish and Welsh nationalism — a development officials are now filing, quietly, under the working title Celtexit. Full Marxism, All the Time, or We Take the Country Apart: Celtexit's Opening Offer The emerging threat is ultimately straightforward. If British voters reject endless managerial socialism, political leaders may take their ball and go home. This is unusual because the ball belongs jointly to four nations, the air pump is in Westminster and England paid for the net. Nevertheless, officials insist that a Reform government would change Britain so radically that continuing the union could become impossible. Apparently, national unity depends not on shared history, institutions, defence, trade, family ties or citizenship, but on everyone voting correctly forever. That is not a union. That is a hostage situation with regional development grants. The helpful solution is clear. Britain must hold elections in which voters are allowed to choose any government, provided it supports high taxation, mass bureaucracy, weak borders, expensive energy and the gradual replacement of national confidence with laminated guidance. Every ballot paper should contain two options: A. Full Marxism, 100 per cent of the time. B. Dissolve the United Kingdom and spend the next fifty years arguing over who owns the traffic cones. Political experts expect Option A to prevail once postal ballots are distributed exclusively through university sociology departments. "I asked my council for a pothole fixed. They said it wasn't in the five-year plan. I said mate, it's a hole, not a Politburo. They said give it a hundred years — the road might heal itself out of sheer ideological momentum." — Fictional comedian Malky Prendergast, on Britain's infrastructure of infinite patience. Socialism Requests Another Hundred-Year Trial Period At the centre of the crisis is the painful possibility that British voters may have grown tired of managed decline. This is difficult for ideological administrators to comprehend. Their policies have produced expensive energy, strained public services, housing shortages, rising taxes and government departments capable of losing a passport between two adjacent desks. Yet these outcomes cannot be blamed on the policies. They prove the policies were insufficiently complete. Under the established doctrine of Full Marxism, every failure demonstrates the urgent need for more of whatever caused it. A government may raise taxes, reduce investment and watch revenue stagnate. The lesson is not to reverse course. The lesson is that several untaxed objects remain somewhere in a cupboard. Economic advisers call this the Broken Toaster Principle. When a toaster repeatedly burns the bread, progressives do not unplug it. They establish a National Toast Authority, appoint a Bread Equity Commissioner and fine households caught using unlicensed butter. The toaster, notably, remains broken. The paperwork, however, rises magnificently. "We have only been trying these ideas for about a century," said Professor Crispin Redistribution, chair of the Institute for Policies That Will Work Next Time. "Capitalism had several thousand years to develop, if you count cavemen exchanging berries. Socialism deserves at least until 2126." Asked how citizens should survive until then, Professor Redistribution recommended patience, lentils and a government podcast. The Union Is Voluntary, but the Direct Debit Is Mandatory Former Welsh first minister Mark Drakeford reportedly warned that English nationalism could leave Wales as a "progressive pimple" in a diminished United Kingdom. He also described the UK as a voluntary association whose members must be able to choose whether to remain or leave. Voluntary associations are wonderful. A gym is a voluntary association. A book club is a voluntary association. A neighbourhood committee investigating an unauthorised garden shed is technically voluntary, although nobody has ever escaped one alive. The United Kingdom, however, is a voluntary association in which England supplies most of the membership fees but is discouraged from speaking during meetings. Scottish nationalists may demand independence. Irish nationalists may seek unification. Welsh nationalists may discuss a new Celtic partnership. English nationalism, by contrast, is treated as an unexploded suitcase found beneath a railway bench. "The English must be brought into the constitutional conversation," said one concerned official, before adding, "although naturally they must not dominate it merely by representing most of the population." A proposed equality formula would give England one vote, Scotland one vote, Wales one vote, Northern Ireland one vote and newspaper columnists eleven votes. Farage Accused of Governing Before Taking Office — Celtexit's Star Defendant The most remarkable element of the emergency is that Farage has not yet become prime minister. He is being held responsible for constitutional crises scheduled to occur following an election that has not happened, based on policies that have not been enacted, after parliamentary debates that have not been held. This is known as pre-traumatic governance disorder. Sufferers experience vivid flash-forwards in which Reform wins an election, Britain leaves the European Convention on Human Rights, immigration laws are enforced and BBC panel programmes contain only four critics of Farage instead of the traditional five. Former Welsh leader Drakeford reportedly raised the prospect of "ICE-like snatch squads" operating in Britain. This prediction caused immediate alarm among activists who had previously believed immigration enforcement consisted of sending arrivals a strongly worded leaflet explaining that deportation might occur after seventeen appeals, three documentaries and a favourable weather forecast. The hypothetical squads are expected to be so ruthless that they may ask whether someone has a legal right to remain before offering tea. BBC Wales reports the reverse side of this coin: Reform is now openly courting Senedd seats and coalition partners in Wales, which rather undercuts the theory that Farage is a man to be feared rather than a man to be negotiated with over coffee. Ireland Warned It May Receive Northern Ireland — The Celtexit Invoice Irish politicians are also preparing for the possibility of reunification. This has introduced an awkward new stage into Irish nationalism: discovering the invoice. The Guardian reports that estimates of Britain's annual financial support for Northern Ireland range from approximately £6 billion to £20 billion. Irish political figures fear such figures could become an issue under Farage. For decades, reunification was presented as a stirring historical destiny involving flags, songs and solemn speeches. It is now entering the estate-agent phase. Dublin officials have reportedly begun examining the property more carefully, asking whether the roof is sound, why the heating bill is so high and whether the existing occupants intend to keep arguing in the driveway. A source close to the Irish government said, "We remain emotionally committed to unification, but nobody mentioned direct debit." Northern Ireland responded by emphasising that it produces a disproportionate share of the UK's food and plays an important national-security role. This forced officials to confront a terrible possibility: nations may contribute things that cannot be captured by a single slogan printed on the side of a bus. Wales Prepares to Become Scandinavia Without the Money Should the United Kingdom fracture, Wales might associate with Scotland and Ireland in a Celtic alliance modelled on the Nordic Council. The plan has been welcomed by consultants who confirmed that Wales possesses several Nordic essentials, including rain, wind, knitwear and citizens standing silently at rural bus stops. The alliance would enjoy Scandinavian levels of public expenditure without the burden of Scandinavian productivity, sovereign wealth funds or globally competitive industries. Its parliament would rotate between Cardiff, Edinburgh and Dublin, allowing officials to emit three times the carbon while attending conferences on carbon reduction. The new body would establish a common foreign policy, a shared climate strategy and a unified approach to blaming London despite no longer being governed by it. A Welsh government spokesman predicted that the Celtic Council could become "a powerful progressive force." Asked what it would produce, he replied, "Declarations." The Constitutional Ball Goes Home The emerging threat is ultimately straightforward. If British voters reject endless managerial socialism, political leaders may take their ball and go home. This is unusual because the ball belongs jointly to four nations, the air pump is in Westminster and England paid for the net. Nevertheless, officials insist that a Reform government would change Britain so radically that continuing the union could become impossible. Apparently, national unity depends not on shared history, institutions, defence, trade, family ties or citizenship, but on everyone voting correctly forever. That is not a union. That is a hostage situation with regional development grants. The helpful solution is clear. Britain must hold elections in which voters are allowed to choose any government, provided it supports high taxation, mass bureaucracy, weak borders, expensive energy and the gradual replacement of national confidence with laminated guidance. Every ballot paper should contain two options: A. Full Marxism, 100 per cent of the time. B. Dissolve the United Kingdom and spend the next fifty years arguing over who owns the traffic cones. Political experts expect Option A to prevail once postal ballots are distributed exclusively through university sociology departments. Government Response to the Celtexit Panic A government spokesperson reassured the public that no breakup was imminent. "The United Kingdom remains strong, secure and completely committed to holding an emergency summit about whether it will exist next Thursday," the spokesperson said. The Cabinet Office has established a new Union Continuity Taskforce consisting of 400 civil servants, twelve constitutional lawyers, six diversity advisers and one elderly caretaker who remembers where the original documents are kept. Its first report, titled Maintaining Britain Through Strategic Fragmentation, will recommend preserving the country by breaking it into manageable pieces. A Philosopher Explains the Celtexit Crisis London philosopher Cedric Porridge described the controversy as a classic example of conditional democracy. "Conditional democracy means the public is sovereign until it disagrees with the people who taught a seminar on sovereignty," Porridge said. "At that point, the public becomes an extremist threat to democratic values." He illustrated the principle using a pub analogy. "You may order any drink you like," he said, "but if you request beer instead of ethically sourced beetroot water, the landlord dissolves the building." Helpful Advice for Surviving the Celtexit Breakup Citizens should remain calm. English residents are advised to label all household property before Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland begin dividing the assets. Particular attention should be paid to North Sea oil, BBC costume dramas, military submarines, national debt and the good biscuits reserved for visiting heads of state. Welsh citizens should prepare for Nordic integration by purchasing darker jumpers. Scottish citizens should practise applying to rejoin organisations they recently left. Irish officials should verify the financing before accepting delivery. Above all, voters must understand that elections have consequences. The most serious consequence may be discovering that politicians who call themselves democrats sometimes regard the electorate as a badly supervised focus group. Britain's progressive establishment has now made its final offer: Give Marxism another hundred years to begin working, or they will dissolve the country before capitalism embarrasses them by functioning. For the American translation of managed democratic patience, see our sister publication's coverage at Bohiney.com, where the "approved salad" menu comes with a side of eminent domain. What The Funny People Are Saying... 1. Fern Brady "Celtexit — Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland threatening to leave if England votes wrong. I've been threatening to leave Scotland my whole life and I'm still here. It's like a flatmate saying 'I'm moving out' but never actually packing. Meanwhile, England's been paying the rent, buying the milk, and getting told to keep their opinions to themselves in their own house." 2. Larry Dean "My mam read about Celtexit and said, 'So Scotland wants to leave if England votes for Farage?' I said, 'Aye, Mam.' She said, 'They wanted to leave if England voted for Brexit. They wanted to leave if England voted for Boris. They want to leave if England votes for anything that isn't Labour.' She paused. 'Have they considered that maybe Scotland just wants to leave?'" 3. Janine Harouni "The Celtic nations are threatening to take their ball home. My Lebanese family would never. When there's a family dispute, nobody takes the ball home — you all stay in the same room, scream for six hours, then eat together in silence. The English paid for the net, the air pump, and the orange slices. Taking the ball is just rude. My grandmother would slap you with a slipper." 4. Glenn Moore "Wales wants to become Scandinavia without the money. In Glasgow, we call that 'pretending.' You can't just declare yourself Nordic because you've got rain and knitwear. I've got a raincoat and a granny who knits. That doesn't make me Denmark. The Nordic countries have oil, productivity, and functioning governments. Wales has... sheep. Lovely sheep. But not a sovereign wealth fund." 5. Rob Auton "Celtexit. Celtic. Exit. Leaving. Taking ball. Ball belongs jointly. Four nations. Air pump in Westminster. England paid for net. Net. Internet. Web. Web of lies. Democracy sacred. Until wrong government. Wrong. Right. Left. Marxism. Hundred years. Toaster broken. National Toast Authority. Bread Equity Commissioner. Unlicensed butter. Butter. Better. Better off. Off. Exit. Celtexit. Again. Leaving. Again. Always leaving. Never leaving. Staying. Screaming. Eating. In silence. Together. Family." Fifteen Humorous Observations on Conditional Democracy 1. Democracy Is Sacred Until It Produces the Wrong Government Progressive leaders support voting in the same way restaurants support customer choice: diners may select anything printed under "approved salads." Order the steak — order Reform — and the maître d' informs you the whole restaurant is being dissolved for your own ideological digestion. 2. Reform Has Already Destroyed Britain Without Yet Governing It This represents an extraordinary increase in political efficiency. Labour usually requires several budgets to achieve the same result. 3. Marxism Apparently Needs One More Century Socialism has merely been warming up since 1917. Any shortages, bankruptcies or escape tunnels were part of the stretching exercises. 4. The United Kingdom Is Voluntary Until England Volunteers Differently The union is described as a partnership of equals, provided the largest partner continues paying and avoids expressing opinions. 5. Wales May Become a "Progressive Pimple" Former Welsh first minister Mark Drakeford reportedly used that phrase, proving constitutional scholarship has finally merged with teenage dermatology. 6. Politicians Are Planning an Emergency Because Voters Might Vote Fire extinguishers are being installed near ballot boxes in case public opinion becomes dangerously combustible. 7. Farage Is Now Blamed for Referendums He Has Not Called This is preventative accountability, in which a man is convicted before committing the policy, saving valuable court time. 8. The Celtic Nations May Take Their Ball Home Unfortunately, England owns the pitch, maintains the clubhouse and has been paying for most of the orange slices. 9. The Guardian Has Discovered Nationalism Is Dangerous It becomes especially alarming when practised by English people rather than by Scottish, Welsh or Irish politicians wearing culturally significant scarves. 10. Leaving the ECHR Will Apparently Cause Continental Drift Within hours of withdrawal, Wales may float toward Dublin while Scotland nudges Norway and Northern Ireland applies for a mooring permit. 11. The Breakup Is Being Proposed to Save the Union This resembles protecting a marriage by dividing the house, closing the joint account and marrying the neighbour. 12. British Socialism Has Entered Its Warranty Extension Period The product still does not work, but citizens are being told the defects prove they need the premium hundred-year Celtexit service plan. 13. English Voters Are Asked to Fund Devolution but Not Influence It Their constitutional function is similar to a divorced father at Christmas: send money, remain cheerful and do not ask what happened to the bicycle. 14. Every Political Problem Is Now "Trump-Style" A delayed bus, a disputed planning application and an insufficiently progressive village fête can all become Trump-style emergencies before lunch. 15. The United Kingdom May Be Replaced by a Celtic Nordic Council Britain could therefore escape Westminster bureaucracy by creating an international bureaucracy with colder sandwiches. Disclaimer This report concerns constitutional predictions, political melodrama and the remarkable ability of professional administrators to threaten national disintegration while accusing everyone else of instability. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No kingdoms were dissolved during composition, although Wales briefly considered floating toward Norway. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!   https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/ Read the full article

#Scotland must have the right to choose our own future.