#celestial sucker

7.16.2018

11.12.2016 - on a boat

taking my view + taking myself...this is church again. when i’m in this state i am enjoying myself way too much to include people in it. people always feel the need to be on whenever they are with you. i want to be around those who know how to just be, especially in a state like this. sooooo relaxing...i’m a celestial sucker after all, and the scenery was breathtaking                    

10.4.20 - Belonging - Part I

This is a two-parter: — What does “where are you from?” mean to you? — What does belonging mean to you?

Whenever I hear this I think of this one film I saw where a brown man in America with a non-American accent was asked this at a convenience store by a white teenage girl. He responded with, I think, Chicago (or some major American city). The teenager said "no, originally"....and though previously distracted with his wallet he immediately put his head up and responded with a stern look to her and said "where are you from originally?". You could almost tell by her response of shock that she either realized that she offended him and was immediately aware of her ignorance, or she was shocked by realizing her own privilege, in that that question isn't usually asked to her, because she is made to believe that because of her whiteness and American accent, it would be obvious to anyone that she is 100% American off first glance. I think about this scene a lot, even when I don't hear this question, because what is the real answer really? Was this man American now because he lives here, and he's lived here for most of his life? Was he still, let’s say, Indian or North African or wherever he was born? Or whatever his parents who raised him are from? 

My mother was born in Kingston, Jamaica in 1960. She moved to the USA in 1982 when she was 22. At now 60 years old, she still has her Jamaican accent though she's lived here in the US and has build a life and a home here way longer than she was living in Jamaica. So is she American now? She was raised by Jamaicans. She will always be Jamaican-born blood. But is she from there? Most of her life was spend somewhere else. If she spoke to someone like that aforementioned scenario and they heard her accent they would know she was Jamaican, and think that she just got here. Though she's been here for almost 4 decades. 

If you ask my mother she would say she’s an American born in Jamaica. I say I’m a Jamaican born in America.

So where is anyone from? Where am I from? Am I a black American? Yes sure. Am I a Jamaican-American? Yes of course. Am I from Brooklyn? Am I from New York? Am I from my mother’s house? Yes Yes Yes. I am from everywhere.

Belonging means being happy and comfortable wherever you are. I belong home. I belong with like-minding folk. I belong in the arms of the ones I hold true. I don't feel like I belong in America sometimes but 🤷🏽‍♀️ oh well, I’m here.

                                                                                                                                                              -- she

Language - 5.20.20

“The words below are not in our English language. Pick one to write about and describe how it’s relevant in your own life:

Words: - Sawubona (African) - I see you, you are important to me and I value you - Saudade (Portuguese) - “The feeling of longing for an absent something or someone that you love but might never return.” - Depaysement (French) - “The feeling that comes from not being in one’s home country; being a foreigner.” - Duende (Spanish) - “A work of art’s mysterious power to deeply move a person.” - Toska (Russian) - “A sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without a specific cause; a longing with nothing to long for.” - Komorebi is a Japanese word that refers to the sunlight that filters through the leaves of trees - Pame (Greek) - “Let’s go””

This is an incredible prompt. I love how one word greetings in other languages mean whole sentences. Similarly to how a simple bow in Asian culture means “Hello, I see you and respect you, but I also don't want to touch you.”

-- “Saudade” is probably the one that means the most to me here. I am a very nostalgic person. I love going back in time. The best time of my life was my childhood and teen-hood. I know that I, obviously, can never physically return to that time. Therefore, I often go there mentally, and spiritually, as a way to stay appeased, to an extent. I love to reminisce certain moments from back then, with my friends and family as well.

-- I also love the saying “Komorebi”. The sunlight is probably my favorite form of nature. I am constantly staring at the sky. I have said many times that I am a celestial sucker; I love the sun and all of the beautiful colors that it invents and broadcasts through the sky. Therefore this saying is exceptional and necessary in my opinion. The sun is light passing through all things and all beings.

-- “Duende” is clearly inspired by the art of music. It’s what I feel most when I am listening to moving sound called deep music, specifically for me from a one Marvin, Michael, Bob and Kendrick....to name a few.

-- “Toska”....This saying is interesting to something else I heard today about a feminism movement film where the lead actress wanted to tell her husband that she didn't know what she wanted. She did know what she didn't want, which was to be a housewife. She longed for a life, but didn't know what that life was. As she only knew what the women before her knew, and taught her, which was: take care of your husband, take care of your kids and keep the house. Yet she fell deeply anguished and empty somehow. 

**Also the scene in Hustle & Flow when Nola told DJay that she didn’t know what she wanted to do but that she didn’t want to prostitute anymore. Very sad. When you don’t know the options you have, how can you have ambition?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-y6JBpCFtI

the first day of the year - [ pink sky after sunset ]

-- don’t act like you’re surprised that this is what i did on this day. this is WHAT I DO! my page isn’t called ‘shotbyshe’ because I DON’T like shooting things.

-- the sky is stunning to me and i will forever be fascinated by it.

the first day of the year - don’t click here