#carrow narby

“My gender is void, the null set, nothing. But it is impossible for anyone to look at me and see nothing. I cannot make myself unseen.”

Carrow Narby, “Indescribable” from It Came From the Closet: Queer Reflections on Horror

How were you awesome this month?

I'm not sure that I have been, but that's okay.

What's on your mind?

The suffocating weight of just how much I don't want to do what I've been doing for the past several years.

This month has been

Frustrating

because...

Like everyone else, I'm navigating a lot of very heavy, very negative emotions. The world is falling apart, the bad guys are winning, and I feel deep, creeping existential despair. It's been the final straw in my constant waffling about what I want "to do with my life." I hate what I'm doing, it's just so boring and such drudgery even though arguably it's "important" work.

I wish people knew that

...it's bullshit to expect people to lock themselves into their life path at 18-22 years old.

After graduating from Wellesley, I thought I would be

...on a really clear, relatively direct trajectory toward tenured professorship, with just a minor detour into a master's degree before my doctorate because my undergraduate grades just were not very good.

but instead I am

...coming to terms with how much time I've wasted pursuing a career that I only half-heartedly desired in the first place. Academia is a crumbling industry, but even if it were doing great it's not what I've always wanted to do. I've always wanted to do something creative but I've been denying that part of myself since high school. I applied to liberal arts institutions instead of art schools. I let myself drift into grad school related to my undergrad studies instead of aggressively pursuing a creative path despite rejection.   At this point I'm still set on finishing my PhD, but after that I'm resolved to let myself off the hook about finding a career in "my field." I'll always have my education. It's pointless to dwell on whether or not it's been "a waste." I'm going to pursue work that actually interests me and makes me feel good. I've started to get back into visual art, and I've been writing fiction despite a lot of doubt about my talent or potential. I've also been proactive about spending more time with friends. I met someone new who told me that I'm "really easy to talk to," which was a fabulous compliment. People who only know me from Community might roll their eyes at that and it kind of made me laugh, but it is something I've been working on and the work has started to pay off.