#alternative class notes

One would think that nearly a year into the pandemic that I would have the hang of spending the majority of my time indoors at home and taking all of the necessary precautions to both avoid getting and spreading COVID. Alas, this week was one where I felt particularly exhausted and, to some extent, despondent. Initially in thinking about it, there was no real reason that I could pinpoint that would account for how I was feeling. As I mentioned, we are long into this pandemic. I have been keeping up with Yoga with Adriene at least four times a week, have a healthy currently reading and to be read pile, have Half and Half cued up on Netflix for a light distraction. I have a solid self-care practice.

Then I thought about that Wellesley Alumnae survey I had just completed.

“How satisfied are you with your life?”

A simple question but one that brings up so many feelings and emotions, mostly heavy and negative for me.

The truth? I am not at all satisfied with my life.

I know rationally that comparison is the thief of joy as they say but in this Instagram/Twitter/LinkedIn/social media age, one can’t help but see what others, especially other Wellesley alums, are into and compare, compare, compare. Law degrees and medical school and new homes and books coming out and weddings and babies, etc. etc. etc.

Then I look at my own life, which on the surface, is not that bad considering how many people in the US are struggling financially due to the pandemic (a fact that when I consider my own internal complaining makes me feel worse and ungrateful). Compared to the 12 year old me, however, who when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up for the 6th grade yearbook had visions of being both a film producer and writer or the 18 year old who wanted to be Secretary of State, the 34 year old me is slacking. To be fair, I know and can acknowledge that I have had both of series of traumas  including some in adulthood that have seriously affected my life, mental health issues that at points were either ignored or white knuckled through and a lack of economic privilege and a safety net that matters when it comes to opportunity and risk taking.  Still, that one question triggered me in a way that was unexpected.

I never expected to be 11 years out of Wellesley and on an unclear path. To not have a graduate degree (yet). To still be living in my hometown that has never suited me. To get on calls with my friends and feel like I have no “life events” to share. To feel like I am not doing anything particularly worthwhile. To still be thinking about all the ways I wish I could have done Wellesley differently had I not entered two months out from housing insecurity and family turmoil.

It all could have been different but it is not and I cannot change that as much as I wish I could.

To add to that, being an empath during a time where law enforcement continue to kill people who look like my family members or me simply for being black in America. Watching half a million people die during a pandemic due to this country’s neglectful and downright criminal response to the virus. Seeing some in this country completely wash their hands of taking precautions as soon as reports about Black, Latinx and Indigenous people being disproportionately affected by COVID were published (or in defense of their fReEdOmS depending on who you ask). Performative allyship and superficial DEI trainings. A contentious election. An attempted coup.

I wish I could conclude on some happy note, but that is not the reality of where I am at this week or frankly since June.

“How satisfied are you with your life?”

In 2021? Not satisfied.

Thank you for asking, Wellesley.

_____

At Wellesley, we are told that we are #WomenWhoWill and in the real world, we are told to take “a seat at the table” blah blah blah. What do you think about this culture? It’s a lot. How do you respond to the demands to “succeed” and pressures to climb the corporate, political, managerial ladder? What do you do to center yourself and embrace where you are at?

Trying to be successful in the path toward academia that I headed for out of Wellesley, and all the effort that I put in to be successful and also able to pay my bills, had serious health consequences for me. “We’ll Sleep When We’re Dead” is funny walking home from the LTC at 6 AM, but it’s actually a really terrible way to approach life. I walked away from ambition almost five years ago and haven’t worked full-time since then.  I’ve made a lot of different choices about what to do with my life. Hopefully at some point I’ll return to full-time employment… but I’m no longer motivated to be a Woman Who Will Make A Difference In The World like the superstars on the banners. I’d be happy to be a Woman Who Will Not Be Hospitalized In The World. 

How were you awesome this month?

I'm not sure that I have been, but that's okay.

What's on your mind?

The suffocating weight of just how much I don't want to do what I've been doing for the past several years.

This month has been

Frustrating

because...

Like everyone else, I'm navigating a lot of very heavy, very negative emotions. The world is falling apart, the bad guys are winning, and I feel deep, creeping existential despair. It's been the final straw in my constant waffling about what I want "to do with my life." I hate what I'm doing, it's just so boring and such drudgery even though arguably it's "important" work.

I wish people knew that

...it's bullshit to expect people to lock themselves into their life path at 18-22 years old.

After graduating from Wellesley, I thought I would be

...on a really clear, relatively direct trajectory toward tenured professorship, with just a minor detour into a master's degree before my doctorate because my undergraduate grades just were not very good.

but instead I am

...coming to terms with how much time I've wasted pursuing a career that I only half-heartedly desired in the first place. Academia is a crumbling industry, but even if it were doing great it's not what I've always wanted to do. I've always wanted to do something creative but I've been denying that part of myself since high school. I applied to liberal arts institutions instead of art schools. I let myself drift into grad school related to my undergrad studies instead of aggressively pursuing a creative path despite rejection.   At this point I'm still set on finishing my PhD, but after that I'm resolved to let myself off the hook about finding a career in "my field." I'll always have my education. It's pointless to dwell on whether or not it's been "a waste." I'm going to pursue work that actually interests me and makes me feel good. I've started to get back into visual art, and I've been writing fiction despite a lot of doubt about my talent or potential. I've also been proactive about spending more time with friends. I met someone new who told me that I'm "really easy to talk to," which was a fabulous compliment. People who only know me from Community might roll their eyes at that and it kind of made me laugh, but it is something I've been working on and the work has started to pay off. 

How were you awesome this month?

Recovering from depression

What's on your mind?

How my rent is too damn high

This month has been: Challenging

because...

paying off credit card debt sucks. And moving sucks. And work is a crapshoot.

I wish people knew that

no one can be on top of their game 100% of the time, or even 80% of the time. You can slip. But don't hate yourself for it. Make small steps to pick yourself back up. Set boundaries between work and your personal life. Don't sacrifice what's important to you for a bigger paycheck. It is not worth it.

After graduating from Wellesley, I thought I would be

independent, successful, and happy.

but instead I am

struggling with the reality that I am a corporate drone. People live to work. I will never be that person.

How were you awesome this month?

I survived getting an IUD!

What's on your mind?

Currently, it's how to balance a big upcoming project at work with all the other tasks I have to do day-to-day.  This is made especially challenging as I have to micromanage the heck out of one of my collaborators, or they won't get anything done in a timely manner.  

This month has been: Challenging 

because...

Trying to do normal, day-to-day tasks with intense cramping really sucks, to be honest.

I wish people knew that

Working in IT is a legitimate career path, even though yes, you will probably be the only woman in the room.  A lot of the time I feel like if I didn't work for the company I'm currently at, people would dismiss my position offhand as not very impressive, or challenging, or successful.

After graduating from Wellesley, I thought I would be

somewhere in grad school, getting my masters or doctorate and moving on to "greater things".

but instead I am

sitting in a cozy office surrounded by computer hardware. I have a wall permanently decorated with Halloween decorations, little origami buddies on my monitor, and a space heater because my building is perpetually cold. Staring down the idea of $120k in grad school debt, I chose to use my Wellesley Help Desk experience to get a job. Instead of waiting it out for a few years and going to grad school as planned (I actually did apply to a couple of places a few years after graduation and was rejected, which was pretty crushing), I have worked my way up to a Systems Administrator position. I enjoy my job immensely, and the challenges it brings every day. I am not really using my degree from Wellesley, but I don't regret what I majored in. I am happy in the normal 9 to 5 grind, and have really hit my groove in life in a way that I never did at Wellesley. There have been a lot of "failures", you could say, in my "life plan" and what was expected of me by my family and friends coming out of a school like Wellesley, but I am doing my best to turn these into unexpected opportunities.  

Where was Papa? I wanted to ask him how come this dream (nightmare) wasn’t ending and why was I in this uncomfortable, ugly hospital bed with my limbs in metal braces in the first place. Where on earth was I?

Why was I not in my apartment in the East Village living the young millennial’s life in NYC?

Soon enough, a deeply fraught looking, as I imagine he must have been, Papa, was standing by my bedside. He must have been uneasy at being asked a question that required an answer that was bound to rattle me.

“Pom, mama and I have already explained to you that you are now in New Delhi, in a hospital.”

“You’ve had a bad accident.”

“No, you were not in New York, but in Uganda.”  

“But now you are safe here, with mama and papa.”

Alright, so I’d had an accident. But what was all this about Uganda? A serious accident. I had completely blanked out on the fact that I had given up my Wall Street job in June for an exciting life working with women farmers in Uganda. And it was now January 2011. What had happened to the rest of 2010?

Read the rest at Huffington Post

We recently saw an editor from the Wellesley Magazine post about class notes she received prior to the onset of this crazy time we are living in. Plans for reunions, weddings, vacations, conferences, or just sitting in a coffee shop reading a book have now been CANCELLED. Here at Wellesley Underground, we want to hear what you are doing instead from the comfort of your home, apartment, beach house, etc. 

______

Name: 

Mary Cate Zipprich

Class Year: 

2011

If I wasn’t in quarantine I would be: 

Celebrating my dad's 60th birthday with a big party (in person, but I guess that goes without saying), traveling for work, going to the Houston Rodeo.

But now I am: 

Watching The Wire while becoming irrationally moody about whether the dishwasher has been run or not. Also, learning to drive stick shift.

Here are my tips for staying sane during this time:

We recently saw an editor from the Wellesley Magazine post about class notes she received prior to the onset of this crazy time we are living in. Plans for reunions, weddings, vacations, conferences, or just sitting in a coffee shop reading a book have now been CANCELLED. Here at Wellesley Underground, we want to hear what you are doing instead from the comfort of your home, apartment, beach house, etc. 

______

Name: 

Yael Sherman

Class Year: 

2000

If I wasn’t in quarantine I would be: 

Flying to Tucson to celebrate Passover with my family, including my parents, my brother, brother-in-law, and nephew, my cousin, his wife, and their two kids. And making plans to go to Reunion in June.

But now I am: 

At home. All the time. 

Here are my tips for staying sane during this time: