#bye love

au revoir, papa.

Mavis-04

Trees express loss

In shades of fire and flames

The brighter the color

The deeper the love

Like a star on its deathbed

Or a fading supernova

The final explosion

Breathtaking

-I love you-

A silent scream

A release

A crescendo

The apotheosis

Then stillness...

bye love.

I feel so emotional studying you for the last time. 5 years ago when I made this choice I was proud of it and really ecstatic. You were a whole new world. Most people around me knew nothing about this world and didn’t really care either, which is why you felt so familiar because that’s how I’ve always felt about my world.

Of course the balancing, the processes, the standardization was very satisfying. It made sense when nothing else did. Just received a mean unexpected text from my ‘best friend’? Let’s ignore it and balance this trial balance! You gave me a sense of knowing something would turn out 100% accurate if I put in the effort to understand it. That never works with people. You can spend year after year being by their side and trying to understand them but they will still leave saying, 'You don’t get me and I don’t get you anymore’. But 5 hours locked in my room trying to understand Cash Flow Statement and I mastered it to a point my Accounting professor asked me to help other students with it.

Yes, I did make several silly errors but that was always in relation to calculation and never in relation to your concepts. In life however, not only am I weak at calculations but also in understanding the basic concepts. You can imagine why I never feel competent or confident enough to live a good life.

The first few years with you were making a lot of long lines over and over again. But that paid off when in the final years we moved beyond journals and ledgers and balance sheets. That was my reward, that was general progression, that was patience and endurance treating me right. Can life learn a little from you about fairness?

Even if life doesn't, I've learned quite a bit from you. I mean yes, I've learned valuation of Goodwill and shares and final accounts of companies and firms but I've learned so much more.

I've learned that just like every transaction has two effects, debit and credit, so do our actions. They have consequences and reactions, they affect others. And our karma always finds us - for better or for worse - to settle its account with us.

I've learned to pay attention to details because one tiny mistake will make everything go wrong and all your efforts will be void as they were in the wrong direction and you will have to do redo the whole thing. Because every move has a cascading effect.

I've learned that while assets are valuable, some 'assets' that aren't actually valuable are still shown under Assets like accumulated losses, until you write them off. This is why it's so important to dig deeper and not trust appearances because they are usually deceptive. Some people can seem like friends but they are actually just toxic people and you must write them off in due time. You must bid them goodbye.

I've learned that liabilities don't seem desirable but that's the value you have to endure in order to get assets and to secure them. That in order to get what I want in the future, I have to pay a price right not. Fair, right?

One thing I learned right at the beginning that really stuck with me was that we should anticipate possible losses and make reserves for them. Always have a back up. Never depend on people - even if they owe you something, they might end up backing up and you have no control over that. But you can be self sufficient, or at least try.

I will miss you. I already know it. Why, then am I nog continuing with you? That's because I've understood that some things can be absolutely wonderful but they don't have to last forever. And because I've grown, I've evolved as a person. As much as rejoiced the stability, security and assurance you provided, my priorities have changed, as is natural over time. I don't want to drag you on to a point where I start resenting you. This time I will leave on a timely basis before things get ugly. I will keep coming back to you occasionally because you've made a place in my heart that's forever yours to keep.

Thank you for everything.

Pain, losses and bad memories a/c Dr.

To lessons, joy and love a/c

Vaya, tanto tiempo, ¿eh? ¿Sabes ese horrible sentimiento que se instala en el pecho con amargura y ese dolor de cabeza que te da ganas de solo mandar al averno todo?

Lo estoy sintiendo justo ahora, quiero apuñalar cada pared de mi habitación, quiero destruir todo a mi alrededor, pero no puedo, no puedo porque me siento impotente, porque no tengo la fuerza suficiente para dañarle. He perdido en el juego del amor, he perdido la confianza de esa persona, he perdido una buena amista. Me enamoré de quien nombraba mi best friend, esa persona por la que caí sin ver por dónde, esa persona que me hacía daño cuando jugaba conmigo a ser amantes, esa persona que destruyó cada ilusión y esperanza. Me dañó, pero yo también le hice daño, todo porque quise hacer que nuestra amiga en común no sufriera, porque esa persona salía con su ex, ex de ella. Porque ese ex ilusionaba aún a mi amiga, porque yo sabía que la iba a dañar, yo sólo quise que no sufriera y se sintiese deprimida por su ex, no toleraría que su ex y a quien yo amé la dañasen más. No podía permitirles hacerle daño a ella como me lo hicieron a mí, no quería que quedase rota. Ahora, esa persona a quien amé, sigue queriendo tener mi amistad, aún si ahora conoce mis sentimientos, aún si sabe que es tóxico. Yo no quiero esto, yo no me quiero provocar más daño, yo no quiero que sea dependiente de mí, no quiero saber nada de esa persona. Mi hirió profundamente, me costó sanar un porcentaje de mí, me está hiriendo con cada cosa que piensa ahora de mí. Esa persona es tóxica. Esa persona me hizo caer en el amor y me destrozó entre sus dedos. Yo no quiero seguir perdiendo, esto es suficiente, no te quiero, me haces daño, aléjate de mí. Si te vas a ir, olvídame, porque yo lo haré. Olvida que alguna vez te amé como alguna vez amé a mi primer amor, olvida que alguna vez quise hacerte feliz y tú nunca te arriesgaste, olvida nuestras conversaciones a altas horas de la noche, olvida mi rostro, olvida mi voz, olvida mis ojos, olvida mis lágrimas, olvida mi amor. Cariño, yo pude haberte hecho feliz, pude haberte escrito mil poemas, pude haber entregado toda mi vida y alma para que tu felicidad sea eterna, pero lo rechazaste. No lamentaré haberte conocido, amado y anhelado, no te olvidaré, porque yo nunca olvido. No fue tu culpa el que yo te amara así, no, no lo es, la culpa es mía, dulzura. Caí en el amor por ti, por una persona tan tóxica de la que aprenderé a no volverme a encontrar. Perdí la felicidad que me dabas, me perdí en tu fragancia, perdí tu confianza, me perdí en tu tacto, perdí la paz que sentía junto a ti, ahora sólo quedan las emociones de hoy que son las cenizas de las emociones de ayer. Ahora y por última vez, te dedicaré mi favorita cita de Hipolito: ❝ Sans toi, les émotions d'aujourd'hui ne seraient que la peau morte des émotions d'autrefois❞ . Agradezco que me hayas enseñado tanto, pero ya no más, no quiero más. Basta. Te amé, pero ya se acabó, viviré y te dejaré vivir en paz. Perdí, lo sé, perdí con un demonio, perdí por ti, pero está bien, ya no me lastimarás más, porque renuncié a ti. Ahora tú, eres quien ha perdido. Yo perdí primero, lo acepté y renuncié a ti, ahora tu pierdes en segundo lugar y no me quieres dejar ir, pero está bien, te alejaré de mí, te irás, lo sé bien, nada dura por siempre.