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I miss you, my lover, more than my next breath. I am constantly thinking of you and my heart sighs and my body aches to be with you. Your words echo in my mind and I hold your promises as a bouquet of flowers that perfumes my soul. Where this path of love we have both embarked on will lead I do not know but I do know there is no one whose hand I would rather hold while walking it. Keep me safe in your heart, do not forget about me but keep me in every poem, in every song, in every dream, in every ray of moonlight, in every jasmine flower, as I do.

Vulnerability laid bare on my skin. Why the silence? Why the lack of words that let me know you miss me as much as I do you? Am I too needy? I don't know if I am, I just know I miss you so. I long for your words of reassurance, to know you think of me as much as I do about you,that you love me as much as I do. Your silence opens my past scars again. I have always loved more than I have ever been loved so doubt rears up its ugly head. My love, too intense, too encompassing, too fierce, it scares most people away. When I love, I love with all I am but maybe you are not the same. We are all different people that life has shaped in different ways. It is not your fault, this intense vulnerability of my heart but a heart that has been so broken tends to be fragile when put together again. Maybe your love will heal me someday but in the meantime am sorry I am this way,that I need you so much but I do, so I beg for your understanding and patience for this, my tender heart.

I hate this feeling that burns me up and consumes it all. My damn stupid imagination runs away with me, my own mind, my own worst enemy. Are you with her right now? Do you talk to her like you used to talk to me? Does she make you laugh like I did? Do you write her poems and send her songs? Do you do everything with her like you did with me? Do you love her? I am so jealous, it poisons my soul. Why am I not the “her”at the end of your poems anymore or may be I never was. Maybe it's not her who is the intruder but me. Maybe all I was, was an amusing pastime, a way to quench your loneliness and lust, maybe you got my name wrong and love was not my name after all.

Reflecting on my life and how I wasted half of it chasing a quimera I feel so stupid, so idiotic. It's so sad really, I want to cry, ball my eyes out for my wasted youth, for my wasted life, for trying to save you, save this marriage, but I learned the wrong way that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved and that sometimes no matter how much you fight you have to learn to let go. Was it my stupid pride that refused to see me fail at the one thing I most wanted to succeed at? Was it my stubbornness? Was it self delusion? Was it just stupidness? I am such a moron. I want to pull my heart out of my chest. I want to scream so loud. It's my own fault I know and that is the worst pain of all.

Familiarity

Hole in my heart