“I am doing just fine without you.”

Should be the most painful thing you should ever have to hear. 

Witnessing that someone has moved on to the satisfactory sunsets, better people to gaze upon;

this should be the reason your heart breaks in the middle of a long night when you rest your eyes upon their vacant pillow,

it should be why you miss them at odd times of the day in the middle of a coffee shop,

it is why you can’t breathe when the familiar scent of them passes you by in a corner store and you can’t help but search for them until the skies grow distant.

And you wonder why they just couldn’t meet you halfway

“I have moved on.”

Should be something you feel oceans tumble over, not their lips

They are the words you hear before a chest is emptied of their anonymity. 

As you try to picture their body against another’s,

in a different bed with different sheets of a 

different lover.

You realize

This is something you, a month ago, never thought you would hear even in the light of day

It crossed your mind a few times at night as you lay awake peering through your curtains at the blurry street lights, as you wondered,

“Could I be free?” 

But the sun never rose on a different horizon

You were always in love, even if it were captivity for just a few hours of the night.

You never anticipated the walls crumbling.

You were only a mountain in their horizon. 

And you cannot reverse it. They are gone. 

They have moved onto stronger mountains, the powerful ones

Ones that can hurt them

Oh, and how you hope that they do

You hope that they grab them by the neck and strangle them against every earthly planet and every indestructible wind. 

By God, you pray they hear what broke your heart on that night months ago

You hope the sheets and the bedframe they rest in collapses into a void of burning, broken soullessness, black enough to crush their bones into dust and build them back together, but this time with the thoughts of you and not the faceless creature that pries their clothes off in the singing night. 

Thoughts just strong enough,

poor boy,

did you really think i’d allow you to come back inside my home?

poor boy,

you gave me so many memories.

poor boy,

you played your games and had your own audience view them.

poor boy,

your hands left pin points on my body,

do you really think i need the blueprints without you there?

you didn’t cherish what you had,

poor,

stupid,

boy.

too bad that means you don’t get it once it’s gone.

Someday I’ll forget the way I tied spring with the memories of you, but not today.

All around I see signs of winter fading away. The brittle tree branches are hardening again, ready to support the new leaves. There are flowers everywhere again, resplendent in their vibrant glory. The birds are chirping all around, the earth has come to life again. All around I see sign of winter fading away – just as I can see your affection for me fading away.

You see, I always thought we’d be the exceptions to every rule that said love doesn’t actually persevere. Maybe I just didn’t factor in the fact that human nature is actually every bit as fickle as everyone tells it to be. I looked in your eyes last spring, which always made me feel warm all over, and I hoped what we had would be enough.

But last spring gave way to the harsh summer, and one by one, the seasons changed. And so did we, but how could I not have seen the changes? It made me realise how blinded people become to the finer nuances of someone’s personality when they’re in love. How you make excuses for the things he does that hurt you. Believing he’s in love and just “annoyed” is what your heart wants to hear, instead of facing up to the fact that maybe he’s just falling out of it.

It’s springtime and everyone’s happy the bipolar weather is finally settling down, but there’s a greater turmoil within me and you’re the cause. You were the sun, but now you’re turning into dark thunderstorms which are doing no good to me.

Stay, my heart says.

I think it’s time to leave, my mind says.

What will I do without you?, my heart says.

It’s time to discover me without you, my mind says.

Maybe someday I’ll be strong enough to let my mind triumph over my heart, but not today. Just because it’s time to let you go doesn’t mean it’s a decision I’m happy with.