erh

through the missed happy birthdays,

and i miss yous.

love yourself,

through the sunken eyes

and broken-like bones within you.

love yourself,

even when you have to sit down,

when the world around you keeps

spinning.

love yourself,

with the complications of your heart,

and why they don’t add up to others.

and it does happen-

it’ll be slow.

he will stop doing the little things,

she will stop caring as much.

she will convince herself that she’s fighting for herself,

and soon realize she has been fighting for him.

when the lovers lose love,

the people around them will be confused.

“you seemed so happy”

“what happened?”

“are you okay?”

when the lovers lose love,

she will cry herself to sleep.

she will second guess her decisions.

she will continue down the path of losing herself completely.

when the lovers lose love,

he will make excuses for the things he did,

he will sit alone and try to figure out a plan to grab her attention,

he’ll think of how it use to be.

when the lovers lose love,

it is sad.

but it gets better.

when the lovers lose love,

and it does happen-

they fade over to when i wake up.

i walk through a dreamy haze,

drive without remembering how hard i’m pressing on the peddle,

love as if it’s rehearsed.

i try to think of reasons why i am back to sqaure one,

time changing,

life flying by,

maybe just more sick than usual.

bang, bang, bang

i am trying to get out,

but there’s a barricade of mixed emotions rattling around in my brain.

maybe it was not a lot.

but i gave it all to you,

when i had nothing coming back.

i kissed your shoulders,

rubbed your back,

held you close to my heart.

i spent countless hours

making sure you were okay,

put aside my own feelings,

to make sure you were okay.

i swallowed my trauma,

my pride,

to make sure you were okay.

i spent hundreds on you,

hundreds of dollars,

hours,

to make sure you were okay.

it is sad, how i finally let myself love and be loved,

to find out there was someone else all along.

silly me!

you were okay this whole time,

having it both ways-

using manipulative words to make me feel as if i was always in the wrong.

as if i would never be okay again.

as if i couldn’t be actually loved again.

as if i couldn’t love again.

as if i wasn’t worth anything,

not even civil discussions.

as if i wasn’t healthy.

as if i was always going to be unhealthy.

as if i am nothing but unhealthy.

you treated me like the dirt on the bottom of your shoe,

as if i was nothing but a burden you wanted to bury thousands of feet under.

did you ever genuinely wanted to know if i was okay?

did you pray over me as i prayed over you?

did you ever feel guilty for what you had done?

i don’t understand how one can do this.

cheat and lie.

say i love you, but not even mean it.

hold me, but don’t even mean it.

care for me, but don’t even mean it.

how can i trust you now?

how can i love you now?

how can i erase the traumatic past of you,

just to go back to you.

i am strong but you have made me weak.

how could you make me weak,

and not even give me the decency to let me stay weak till i become strong again?

i was in love with something imaginary.

i wish i never did love, and allow myself to be “loved”.