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I feel like my personal memory tricks are really weird to people who are watching me. sometimes I'll be talking and forget a word or a name, and I'll hit myself in the chest, pull certain parts of my hair depending on what I'm thinking of, rub my hands up my arm, stuff like that and I don't think everyone takes it so averagely as they seem to me
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lah di dah spent the morning reading autism blogs in an attempt to justify my existence.
found some people talking about getting songs stuck in their heads to the point where it's painful and maddening and can't be stopped. and I was thinking about my dad (who I'm getting more and more convinced is some kind of autistic too) and how he told me he once had a song stuck in his head for WEEKS to the point where he went to his mom and said he needed help because he was "going crazy."
I don't really think the songs-in-head thing happens to me more than it happens to other people, but what I get is snippets of dialogue from books or tv shows that loop and loop in my head for days. it's usually when I can't remember how a particular scene ends, so it just creates a repeating shape that I go over and over and it is the MOST IRRITATING thing in the world.Â
so today I went with my mom to our actual house that nobody lives in (this one is a rental and they can't sell the other one) and I grabbed my pile of old diaries/notebooks and went through some of them from the perspective of post-aspergers-diagnosis.
a few salient points:
without exception every one of my journals starts out with some version of "my name is erica, i'm [x] years old, and you don't know what i know."
the above is in reference to the object personification. I sometimes forget that I lived my life from age 6 to 18 thinking I was probably clinically insane and if anyone ever found out I'd be committed. (told mom this and she was like "how did you even know what committed was" -- "I DON'T KNOW I WAS JUST SCARED.")
I'd forgotten how intense a lot of my obsessive periods were, and that I was already creating an abstract sort of code-map to describe my emotions.(think "reverse self actualization") to the point where I can't even tell what I mean sometimes because I've forgotten the legend.
I've been making to-do lists for basic life tasks since I was 13.
when I was 5 I thought that it was acceptable to write only the first and last letter of a noun with a tiny picture of the thing between them. I vividly remember sitting on the floor writing about my likes and dislikes and being really confused when my mom told me I was doing it wrong.
(but I also remember that even then a lot of my likes and dislikes were dictated. my parents tried to make me better at socializing by "banning" me from obsessions on certain days of the week. (I was only allowed to pretend to be a cat on even-numbered days.) it's one of those things where I'm like "yeah parents, you gave me an unhealthy complex with that one, but you meant well, you really did!")
