#bothsides

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No one knows what the Emoluments Clause is, because nobody knows what the fuck an emolument is.

Emolument is not a regular-conversation word like burrito or Kardashian. Emolument is fancy term for money earned from holding a position or title. 

The Emolument Clause is Article I, Section 9, Clause 8 of the United States Constitution (a fancy term for rules the country is required to follow). It says members of the government cannot receive money from leaders of other countries. 

For example, if the president wanted to host the G7 Summit (fancy word for a meeting with foreign leaders) at a hotel he or she owns, he or she could be in violation of that law because the president would be profiting directly off the presidency. 

In a move to avoid violating the Emolument Clause, one former president famously put his peanut farm into an independent trust while he was in office so that no one in his family could be affected by profits or losses while he was president. The rule was put in place to limit foreign influence (fancy term for swampiness) in American politics. 

Emoluments are the glaring weaknesses of a republic (fancy word for country that doesn’t have a king). Those are not my words; they’re Alexander Hamilton’s in The Federalist Papers. Federalist is a fancy word for states united under a central government. 

It’s up to the people to decide how they feel about laws, so you might think it makes sense to name them in a way that allows the average citizen to better understand what they are. The problem is it’s very easy to mislead the average citizen - and lawmakers have done exactly that with these simplified naming conventions, whether it’s passing the Patriot Act which isn’t patriotic at all, or the Affordable Care Act which took the world’s most expensive healthcare and made it more accessible. 

I thought about Emoluments today while watching people protesting the sweeping actions in Ohio that have significantly reduced the transmission of the COVID19 virus in the state, effectively flattening the curve as well as or better than any other state. 

Specifically, this sign:

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Yes, he spelled Constitution wrong - misspelled signage is practically required by law at every uninformed protest. You could say it’s in the Contitution. 

At this point in the pandemic, there are probably two reasons for not knowing that COVID19 can’t be solved by only quarantining the sick, because this disease can be passed from a One Person Who Feels Just Fine onto Dozens of People at the Office without HR knowing anything about it. 

The first is willful ignorance (a fancy term for flaunting that you are a dumbass). The governor of Georgia doesn’t even live 20 minutes from the Centers for Disease Control (a series of buildings filled with smart people whose entire focus is to control diseases, like COVID19) and he said, on television, that he didn’t know.  He was flaunting that he is a dumbass.  

But the second reason may be a vocabulary deficiency (fancy term for not knowing what some words mean) and that could just be an innocent information gap. No one knows every word in their first language. English has a million words in it, and in 2020 we’re only using about 170,000 of them - like burrito (Spanish, actually, for little donkey) and Kardashian (Armenian for stone carver).  

You probably know about 20,000 words. Asymptomatic Transmission might be two of them! And English words can be confusing; asymptomatic transmission looks like something you would hear during a car commercial. 

Asymptomatic Transmission is a fancy way of saying 1) someone with cooties 2) who might not realize they have cooties 3)  could give other people their cooties. HIV is passed around like that, but that virus requires intimacy for transmission.  

COVID19 isn’t nearly as sexy. You can get it from a close talker. A regular talker. A handshaker. A salt shaker. COVID19 is very easy to catch, and even though most people survive it, so many people either don’t or require medical help that it can tear down our entire system for healthcare delivery.

Like other coronaviruses, COVID19 doesn’t make any loud beeping sounds or give you a second head if you catch it. The disease appears to be spread around mostly by people who do not even know they have it. They are without symptoms, or asymptomatic. 

And that really sucks, because it means the best way to slow this phantom down is to practice social distancing (fancy term for wear sweatpants, watch bad television, lie awake in bed every night and gain two pounds every day). I had never heard the words Social Distancing in that sequence until this year - and I’ve worked in healthcare for most of my career, spanning other epidemics and pandemics. 

This one is different. Viruses don’t care about election years, paychecks, baseball season or birthday parties. They’re assholes. You beat them by playing to their weaknesses, not ours. 

It’s understandable why people are frustrated about life grinding to a halt while they feel well enough to exercise their Contitutional Writes but we have enough recorded history to know exactly how pandemics stop rolling through the world and enough current science to tackle this one. 

I don’t know all one million English words, but I do know that there are rarely any simple or elegant solutions to complicated problems. Maybe instead of using Big Accurate Words or Simple Misleading Ones - we could do society a service by having better messaging on behalf of experts. 

Public trust is shattered, and the Americans’ general comprehension of *gestures broadly at everything* could use an upgrade. Messaging in 2020 seems to be sourced out of a machine that’s meant to be polarizing (fancy word for designed to get you to click or watch more to drive up advertising rates) while we slowly die from Both Sidesism, breathlessly giving equal platforms and legitimacy to Altruistic Evidence-Based Perspectives and Dangerously Stupid Emotional Outbursts - because fairness is vital to a thriving republic in the Information Age.

It’s up to the media to embrace those big words, explain them clearly and honestly, lay out the genuine, informed sides to a debate while disqualifying the contributions of grifters. Dunning-Kruger live-action cartoon characters are too entertaining to ever go out of syndication. Being dumb, loud and confident is reliably good television. It’s usually great internet. It’s always a bad source of guidance. The topic doesn’t matter. 

There’s no legitimate debate to how COVID19 can be defeated, but there’s plenty of discussion to how to responsibly emerge from social distancing and containment measures. And there’s an enormous opportunity to re-engineer how we communicate information, laws, perspectives and developments en masse (fancy term for to all of us). 

I have little confidence of this happening in my lifetime, but hey - it’s fun to imagine while I try to remember what the inside of a tavern looks like. We might end up less afraid of what we don’t know. Perhaps we would understand each other a little better.