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(via Iran Drops Unredacted Epstein Files Over U.S.)
oh they are fighting back HARD
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“Sorry, chap, you’ve got to take one for the team," the King told Andrew.
"After Andrew asked what he and Trump could possibly talk about over their pizza, Charles suggested, “Maybe you two can reminisce about your good times with Jeffrey Epstein.”
Exactly!
Phroyd
“I thought when it came to election meddling that Donald and I were exclusive,” an emotional Putin told reporters. “This feels like a betrayal.”
Trust Andy Borowitz to find something funny in all this.
“The Russian leader said that he had considered meddling in the 2020 election to help Trump, but added, “Now I’m not so sure.”
Although Fauci was quick to add that the scenario was purely hypothetical, he stressed that, from a medical perspective, alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a conversation over the weekend that reportedly left the President “shaken,” Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Donald Trump that if everyone in the United States dies, it would adversely affect his television ratings.
Although Fauci was quick to add that the everyone-dying scenario was purely hypothetical, he stressed that, from a medical perspective, alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television.
According to a source familiar with the conversation, the possible impact of covid-19 fatalities on Trump’s ratings “totally blindsided” the President, who immediately convened an emergency meeting of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“It’s time you losers started taking this situation seriously,” Trump reportedly barked. “Especially you, Pence.”
In what was described as an increasingly rancorous session, Trump reprimanded the group for “not doing enough” to safeguard his TV ratings. “I like the numbers being where they are,” he thundered.
Shortly after the meeting, Trump signed an executive order requiring all Americans to be quarantined in their living rooms until further notice.
Phroyd
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According to an official statement from Donald Trump, Jr.,’s spokesperson, the boys obtained the medical notes “out of an abundance of caution.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a state of panic after their father dispatched troops to the Middle East, Eric Trump and Donald Trump, Jr., have both sought medical notes from a Manhattan podiatrist.
According to an official statement from Donald Trump, Jr.,’s spokesperson, John Barron, Jr., the two Trump boys obtained the medical notes “out of an abundance of caution.”
The podiatrist’s notes, which were made public by Barron, paint a picture of two otherwise healthy young men with foot problems that can only be described as dire.
According to the podiatrist, Eric Trump is unable to operate his feet while chewing gum, while one of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s feet appears to be permanently lodged in his mouth.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news
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“To you critics out there who think you’re in the majority, I have some advice for you,” the Secretary of Education said. “Do the math.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An exuberant Betsy DeVos said on Monday that Donald J. Trump’s forty-per-cent approval rating is a “clear indication” that more than half the country agrees with the job he is doing.
“I was so excited to see the President’s approval rating hit forty,” DeVos, the Secretary of Education, told reporters. “Just knowing that well more than half the country is with him gives us a great sense of confidence moving forward.”
She also criticized the media for failing to report “our powerful forty-per-cent mandate.”
“If you believed news reports, you would think that the people supporting the President are in the minority, when in fact they’re forty per cent,” she said.
Concluding her remarks, DeVos offered defiant words to those who are “actively trying to thwart” Trump’s agenda. “To you critics out there who think you’re in the majority, I have some advice for you,” she said. “Do the math.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
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“For years, this hushed-up chapter of our history has been shrouded in silence,” Sean Hannity said. “That silence ends today.”
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a story “too hot for the other cable-news networks to handle,” Fox News Channel announced on Tuesday that it would begin airing twenty-four-hour coverage of Bill Clinton’s 1998–99 impeachment.
Fox anchor Sean Hannity announced the programming change, telling viewers that Fox would devote all its resources to reporting the Clinton impeachment to the exclusion of all other news stories.
“This story has everything: sex, lies, and misdeeds at the highest levels of our government,” Hannity said. “We are planning to flood the zone to bring it to you.”
Calling it “the story Bill and Hillary Clinton don’t want you to hear,” Hannity said Fox would be unstinting in its effort to get to the bottom of the impeachment.
“For years, this hushed-up chapter of our history has been shrouded in silence,” Hannity said. “That silence ends today.”
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