Apr 2
“First Kristi Noem, and now Pam Bondi,” the official Iranian statement read. “The dominoes are falling one by one.”
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“First Kristi Noem, and now Pam Bondi,” the official Iranian statement read. “The dominoes are falling one by one.”
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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From Andy Borowitz:
In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.
The following excerpts offer a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope:
As Jesus always said, blessed be the normal children.
And on that day—the best of my life—I thanked God for everything good He had given me. It was like I was speaking directly to Him. Because He’d called me to ask me to be His running mate.
Mary Magdalene is an underrated figure in the Bible. Very loyal. Stayed in her lane.
God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, and Abraham prepared to do it. I think about this story often, especially when I’m asked about the Department of Education.
Axios reports Ted Cruz’s account of a conversation he had with Trump:
“If we get to November of [2026] and people’s 401(k)s are down 30% and prices are up 10–20% at the supermarket, we’re going to go into Election Day, face a bloodbath,” Cruz told Trump.
“You’re going to lose the House, you’re going to lose the Senate, you’re going to spend the next two years being impeached every single week.”
Cruz said Trump responded: “Fuck you, Ted.”
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Steve "Halfwit" Witkoff is not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Even last April when this was written, Witkoff already had an established reputation as a dumbass.
The Useful Idiot’s Useful Idiot
Witkoff has risen in the Trump administration as swiftly as measles cases in Texas. First, Trump dispatched him to the Middle East, perhaps reasoning that a novice diplomat should start in a region where countries have a long history of getting along superbly. How has that peacemaking gone so far? Well, let’s just say that Trump won’t be breaking ground on the Mar-a-Gaza Beach Club any time soon. But he was apparently so happy with Witkoff’s rookie performance that he added another crisis to his portfolio: Ukraine. With Witkoff now running America’s foreign policy, Secretary of State Little Marco will be lucky to be included in the next Signal chat with Jeff Goldberg. In Ukraine, Witkoff’s gifts as a useful idiot have been on magnificent display. On March 21 he appeared on the podcast of former Fox News host-slash-fellow useful idiot Tucker Carlson, where he announced that he “liked” the president of the Russian Federation. "I don't regard Putin as a bad guy," he astutely observed. Elsewhere on the podcast, he exhibited a shaky grasp of Ukrainian geography but a near-total mastery of Russian talking points. Struggling to list the four Ukrainian regions demanded by Russia as part of any peace settlement—Zaporizhzhia, Kherson, Donetsk and Luhansk—Witkoff could only emit, "these so-called four regions, Donbas, Crimea." Carlson helpfully pitched in with Luhansk, using the Russian pronunciation—which, naturally, Tucker prefers—“Lugansk.” Witkoff dutifully repeated after him, before adding, confusingly, “and there’s two others.”
So Witkoff's main qualifications for office are that he lets Trump cheat at golf, and he's a billionaire.
Another description for Witkoff...
🇷🇺The Russia Colluder's Colluder ☭
Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON—In a move that many said was long overdue, on Wednesday God formally notified House Speaker Mike Johnson that he was going to Hell. In a rare public statement, the Almighty said that Johnson’s support of Donald Trump’s war in Iran was the “last straw” that sealed the Speaker’s eternal damnation. “What do you do with someone who claims to be a Christian and supports killing civilians?” God asked. “You send his ass to Hell, that’s what.” Accosted by reporters in a Capitol corridor, Johnson said he was “disappointed” by the Heavenly Father’s decision, but added, “I serve a higher power: Donald Trump.”
We know.
Yes, it’s satire…but is it really?