#borderlineexperience

Someone asked me the other day if I still love him.

At first, I was offended. How can you ask me that, I mean I know you don't know in details but I don't have any feelings but fear and wonder. Those two things alone is enough to kill anyone inside. I feel dead. But not the kind where I allow the world to go on around me and I sleep as if I am truly dead. No. Dead. As in I don't exist anymore. The person I was back then was so comfortable being used and abused. Fuck I allowed him to destroy some of the most valuable people in my life, kicked out everyone and everything because he didn't like them etc. I don't understand how it's more lonley when someone chooses your isolation, instead of you being able to yourself like I have to this day.

I feel anxious all the time. I don't know why, but I feel it in my bones. Everything I have survived is creeping out and on the door step waiting for me to finally deal. I can't. I won't. Admitting this has happened is to much. I talk about it as if I'm over it, I'm not. I talk about it like it's my own fault. Again it's not. I allow myself to cry now, but not in front of people still. I let out these huge tears feel the tingle through my body telling me let go. For minutes, hours sometimes even days I do let it go.

I don't self harm anymore. I did a lot when I was with him I can be truthful I wanted to have the selfishness to go through with it. He often taunted me, "you cut the wrong way". "Deeper babe deeper". Those words burn in my head the moment it takes me to this coping mechanism. Should I thank him? Should I thank him. I mean I refuse to cut myself now because I was told I can't even do that properly. I can't do anything right.

"Did I Rape you again?". That was the worse one. Again? So you feel that you raped me once before. Are you admitting to it? I just wanted him to understand the way it made me feel. The aggressiveness it felt, that no does mean no, having sex with a sleeping person isn't normal. I have a say. No he took that away from me. He doesn't understand what he actually took away from me. Why choking and raping your partner isn't normal, when a woman says no she means no. Your partner isn't your property. I was his though.

He took parts of me. I'll never get back.

Today, well.

I don't even know where to start. I was called a cunt by a stranger I just started talking to. Let me explain. So I am currently on the dating venture I guess kinda. I don't really know the ins and outs of what my generation really even wants when it comes to this concept of dating.

I know one thing. I am vague in the information I give to people, but completely open and honest with what I know I want and don't want. Now life wasn't always like this for me. I never thought about this or what I currently need from my partner I would have someone hanging onto me in some manner. I would date and get pulled into some of the most odd situations. The amount of times I've been blocked for just not speaking for 24 hours. I am not always available and nor should you be...we have lives people...at least I do.

I cried because I couldn't understand why he was so angry at me for just asking him to lay off the sexual stuff. I hadn't met him yet. I started speaking to him briefly over the weekend. He was "with the boys". I'm a woman that respects those times in a man's life. They need a social life as much as I need a bitch fest. (Girls get together). I kept the conversation when he had time. Was honest with what I was looking for and why I feel the way I do about this dating thing. I told him also about the male that I was meeting on Sunday night. Maybe that is what started shit, but you know what I haven't met you yet, and I even offered a cool date at Casa Loma that is the kicker. I was myself. Honest and continued to be. And in the end I should "go suck a dick". If this is the way men are going to act towards me after 48 hours of communication I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do.

It was triggering to read those messages. I don't like being spoken to like I'm not worth it. I very much am. I make better choices and because of that my eyes are completely opening up to the fact that many people are not what they seem. It becomes lonely when you see how dysfunctional the world has become. I went to Burger King for dinner and I just wanted lettuce added to a cheese burger I don't like onions etc. They told me I had to pay for a piece of lettuce. ITS BURGER KING. ugh. I paid the damn .32 cents. Absolutely nothing went how I needed it to go today.

Every day is going to be different. I have accepted this. I am okay with this. Living each day and reflecting. That is the key to life.

Good night 😴

Today was the first in a long time that I have been able to connect with a stranger and not feel that I am about to be taken advantage of. Lately, I've just been able to be honest with myself and know that I am not ready for anything completely serious. I have a future that comes up with past stuff and I don't feel that any other human being should have to deal with the emotional impact this will or may have on my life. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that having a social life is important.

I can say that I even felt better about the kind of person he may be when he flat out said I'm not giving you my 100% attention right now. Wow dude didn't you know that 99% of the male population has trouble with that one sentence. Let me also make clear, that I was ranting on as I do, and apologized for being myself. I really appreciate that he just said this and validated that hey, no you can rant, I'm just busy atm. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think people get offended more than understand that someone cannot pay 100% to you. I want to be as busy half the time.

I feel disconnected from social aspects of life. I had to let go of many people to get where I am today. I am writing a book. I am selling my art. Being a full time mother with a absent father. I help others around me with there own mental health issues and trying to keep them level. I continue to read and grow my own values and beliefs as well as trying to understand the world around me as it slowly crumbles.

I've also never met a person whom I couldn't figure out right away. I feel like it will be a nice break from my isolated life to have one friend. I am revamping the way I live life. Creating values of my own. Traditions with my kids. I have surgeries in my future and a lot of change. Mentally and physically. So I enjoy the fact he wasn't just some perverted asshole who wanted to pay me to have sex. (yes another blog). I was catfished by an Asian man.

I think the fact that we have both seen both walks of life but still have to try and he kind is what similarities between the two of us that is good for a friend. Also, the openess. The ability to be validated. Even if he may or may not realized it. Telling anyone with a mental illness that what they are choosing to do "be single" is a good thing for them. Not even fully knowing what the background to that statement was. I am beyond intrigued on what more this man views of the world.

I also found that the women he spoke of were so much like my ex's. I do have my moments but people are allowed to feel things. We are allowed to be disappointed but what I was never taught was to explain or communication of why. I used to get into trouble as a child and have no idea what I did until the adult was done ignoring and/or lashing out at me. I guess I picked partners like them thus far as well. That sucks so bad.

I just want to finish this entry with one statement.

"You are in complete control of your Recovery Journey. Whatever that Journey might be for"

Good night