#beyondwillpower

I feel like I get more emotionally invested than a lot of other people when I engage with another person. I become so interested and involved because I am searching for something in what they say or their mannerisms that show sincerely and "who they truly are"

Like when someone, even a stranger, waves and says hello-- it feels like someone really sees me.. Or I might feel like I am wearing a mask for them to see and I feel completely fake…

I tend to get my feelings hurt easily. But I always laugh and joke it off but I am sobbing on the inside. I try to get away from the situation as fast as possible without seeming like I got offended.

I feel it is rare for me to feel I am understood by another person

I tend to think more obsessively about a certain topic or person if somehow my interest piques.

My level of interest in a topic depends on my level of interest and relationship to other people

On one end, if I really enjoy the topic with a passion, it will not matter if the people I am engaging with are my familiar. They are sharing the topic with me and therefore will become my familiar.

On the other end, if I really enjoy the people but do not know the topic, I will ask questions about the topic and their passion because I will see it lighting them up and I want to see more of their passion.

I rather be alone than be around people I do not feel safe with.. I'm sure this is like everyone.

I care about details when it is important and there is a reason for them.

Just because it's 5 o'clock somewhere doesn't mean I have to drink right now. I will drink when I want to or if I'm with a good friend, and then we will make it 5 o'clock.

I care more about the framework and the grander design of everything and tend to miss the trees for the forest

I funnel my thinking

I can also spiral them

Depending on the mood and direction, it can hit the fan pretty badly or leave me up in the clouds. I'm not sure how funnels end up with me in the clouds but I will assume this makes sense.

I tend to prefer to reverse engineer any project or task because I need to understand the goal first and determining how important it is before deciding how to get there and on what means.

My past experiences in life.

Still stewing about my incapacity to stand up for myself and feeling tremendously angry at myself when I was sexually molested and abused by dad as a kid for almost 10 years and not having mom there for support.

Having lied about having a boyfriend in college who raped me because I believe that I let it happen and I didn’t tell anyone especially my family because I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend

Reflecting and believing that arguments and fights with my ex-husband and other ex-boyfriends that escalated to them hitting me were caused by me majority of the time

Being manipulated by past relationships to give into having sex because I felt it was a way I can deserve love and affection.

My current feelings about myself.

Constantly feeling I am subpar and not owning up to what I owe to life because of the aforementioned events in my life I still play the victim card for.

Feeling like I owe something to life and my existence is a burden onto the universe in itself because I am supposed to be doing something right but I feel completely opposite

Seeing there’s too many things to be done to fix

Seeing all the possible pathways to finding solutions

Not seeing the reasons for wanting to choose them…

Not wanting to fix myself because I don’t see how I can do it alone– not with the knowledge and thinking I currently possess

Not deserving to have people around me to show me they want to be friends

Not even deserving to be seen most of the time by potentially kind people

Not wanting to waste their time

Not knowing what my purpose in life.. Even less feeling like I am capable of fulfilling them

Not knowing what my gifts are