#beaublurbs

Yesterday I got to the gym and realized I forgot my shoes. Luckily I had a pair of old running sneakers in the back of the car. I then realized I forgot to repack my bag, so I had no socks or sports bra either. I wore my regular bra and just went sockless. I then realized I forgot to put my hair tie around my wrist so I had nothing to put my hair up with. Found an old headband in the car so I could at least keep it out of my face. The worst part was I'd forgotten my ear buds had finally bit the dust so now that I'd improvised everything else, I had no music. Mind you I was already in a bad mood... I worked out anyway. I didn't turn around and leave at any point. I got in the zone and I got it done. ...And I felt better.

Ugh… Anxiety.

... To get through grad school. I think it's time to give much-earned public acclaim (mushy stuff) to my husband Ted Howard, who was off the charts supportive and brought some major A-game this week. The return to grad school after a short break is never easy, but this summer course is a rigorous 3-night a week class. (For starters, an entire book was due after the first class... before the next one.) To say, it was a week of acclimating is an understatement. Basically, I'm out of the house for 12 hours every day now between work and class, then when I come home, I just have to study for class the next night ... Until midnight. He's had the dishes done, dinners made, got me snacks (and even brought up a pitcher of water when he got tired of running fresh glasses up the stairs lol), left me alone until midnight and then tucked me in when I've passed out reading. It's been so "easy", (aside from the reading and lack of sleep) that I didn't even realize all he'd done at first because nothing was in my way. I've even had coffees made in the mornings, and today he made some scrambled eggs when I could barely put myself together (after 3 nights of being up until at least midnight... Mind you, I'd also been overzealous on Monday and got up at 5:45am to workout before... That didn't last.) Meanwhile, he's still working on getting us unpacked, going to his own job, doing laundry (because I sure as hell haven't been) and taking care of the dog. But I made it ... Through the first week, anyway. I've never had 3 classes before in a week, and I thought BEFORE that my twice-a-week workload was too much. So I have been overwhelmed. But I have just 4 weeks left of it. And I wouldn't get through that without his support. He's usually pretty great with keeping up... But he was just ON IT this week. There wasn't one hiccup or fight, even in my exhausted and emotional state. (Especially since I haven't been able to get to the gym SINCE Monday, which tends to make me somewhat less agreeable!) You know, they always say that behind every good man is a strong woman... But in my case, every ounce of my strength comes from his unwavering belief that I can do anything and his true interest in doing what it takes to help me achieve my goals. I love you, Teddy. 💞

Just to be clear here...7:30am is the new 6:45am. I've officially failed in my Lenten attempt to give up the snooze button... again. I'd say third times a charm, but I'm pretty positive that I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. Actually, I'm really behind so that saying doesn't even apply. 😫 Good luck to those of you still in for the long haul!

Day 1 of Lent... Giving up the Snooze button. I was successful this morning even after not getting home until after 11pm from work/gym/class/library. BUT #tbh I tried this last year and failed a few days in. With my schedule, it's quite the gamble. #trytryagain

I can't decide if I fell in love today or had my heart broken, but I can't help but feel that I've finally stumbled across the real reason that God led Ted and I here, to MA. From the minute I got the first phone call from my boss to schedule a phone interview, I just kept telling people I knew it was happening. I prepared Ted immediately, I told him he needed to come with me to my interview because I was getting this job and we were moving. Something in my gut, or my heart, told me there was meaning behind it. Something told me it was exactly where we needed to be. It happened in 3 weeks, and all along we had hurdles. Yet, every single hurdle was resolved beyond our ability. The other continued to clear and confirm to me that the move was meant to be. Since then, I've been trying to figure out my purpose here. While I love my life and I'm thankful for that, I was hoping I'd find my purpose. I wanted to discover what that reason was and have continued to pray for what it was that God brought us here to do. For 2.5 years now I have wondered, and today, while at the CASE D1 conference in Boston, I was inspired and torn apart all at once by the final keynote speaker. I hadn't experienced this sense of urgency since the move. Adam Braun, the founder of Pencils of Promise, spoke about his journey toward creating the incredible non-profit that builds schools in other countries to allow access to education for all. His story about how one child led him on this mission by saying that if he could have one thing in the world, it would be a pencil, brought me to tears immediately. I haven't been brought to tears like that in so long... Too long. I felt immediately this urge to go, to act. I haven't stopped thinking about it since, reading the website and scouring social media. I'm on a mission. I feel alive and connected. The more amazing thing is that at our church, Pastor Sean has been in a series encouraging us to find something that breaks our heart, and to make a resolution to not focus on making ourselves better, but to make others better and to make a difference. I've wanted to feel that way so badly. I was craving the ability to do and be more, to give meaning to something beyond my own life. I've been praying on it. I was discouraged that I couldn't think of a single thing that made me feel the way he was describing. But today, when I heard Adam talking, when I saw the images, in my heart I just "knew." I can't explain the feeling. It's compelling. But I know that if I'd never left NY, and took this job, I would have never been at that conference... And I promise my butt was meant to be in that seat. Honest to God, I was writing with a pencil for the first time in years. I hope I follow my heart on this. I have to.

A lot of people are posting and boasting their goals and ambitions for a New Year... declarations about how 2015 wasn't the greatest, how 2016 is "their year." Idealizing the coming year as if it's not just tomorrow morning. There's a certain something to be admired in these predictions, hopes and aspirations. It's just not a sentiment I've found myself able to relate to this New Years Eve. For me, I imagine 2016 to be very similar. Another year of work, workouts and schoolwork. A year with both highs and lows, but likely with many less changes than 2014 brought. Another year of increasing familiarity and stability, both in our surroundings, our faith and our personal relationships, as well as with our financial goals. Another year that brings new adventures, smiles, memories and success. It will no doubt also have tears, days we'd rather forget and some failures. But both will shape us, guide us and be part of a story- not just a year. 2016 will not be the year we bought the house or the year we moved or made any big job changes. There won't be a new child or a new dog. Graduation is still a ways off, although it's finally in sight. (Maybe that will make 2017 MY year lol.) I hope it'll be another year of growth and overall gratefulness. The last few years have offered so much. With all the change we'd dove into and the many losses we've experienced, so much has been learned and has shaped both of our lives and helped us to define ourselves. Ted and I have become closer, and much more dependent on each other. We're happy. Not that we weren't before, but it's this genuine contentment, deeper understanding and security that has been built upon while thriving through these rapid and intense past few years. Overall, I liked 2015. Change became comfort, newness became experience, and fear became faith and understanding. It's led to a level of comfort and inner peace I've never known. So, I predict the theme of 2016 to be "consistency" and I'm perfectly okay with that. It feels very "30-something" ... Very "here." Maybe even very ready. And I like it.