Walkin' in MA Heels

As a catch up...

(Originally posted on Aug 8, but can’t seem to change the date here on Tumblr)

Midnight. On the 8th...

Didn’t plan this, but since I’m still awake...

The 8th is my least favorite day these days.

But now, that many people know, and because I’m on the mend, I am ready to admit that it’s because 2 months ago on the 8th, I almost lost my life.

By choice.

Something I would have never, ever, imagined I was capable of. And something that has haunted me, and burdened me for 8 weeks.

Things were not good. Things are still not great. But that’s besides the point.

What I think is interesting about this model, this image, is that I didn’t show most of the “signs” we’re always warned to look out for.

What were my signs? “Feeling Trapped.” ”Humiliation.” “Sleeping too little” (and yet too much). “Increased use of alcohol.” “Loss of interest.” (Barely went to the gym. Didn’t care about my job.) “Acting recklessly.”

My ONLY diagnosis though... was sleep deprivation.

That’s all it really took for 6 weeks to break me. Literally. I spent almost a week in the hospital. Broken physically and mentally.

Me.

The person so many constantly refer to as “strong,” “inspirational,” “successful,” “independent.”

Weird words, right? Doesn’t seem to fit the picture.

I’m here today to share that it can happen to anyone. If it can happen to me, it can happen to ________.

Please take care of yourselves. Watch out for people. Love people.

It’s somewhat terrifying that this will be so public, but I want some good to come of this so if I can help just one person... it’s worth it.

Also, I’m dedicated to moving on from my daily beatdowns about it. I’m dedicated to rising up from here on out. Getting it out is the first step. Facing it, owning it, moving on...

-and, with any luck, maybe some sleep! ❤️

...Oh, and as an update... things are getting better and I’ve been feeling really good, getting therapy, finding purpose (volunteering and stuff) being more selfish, and rediscovering what things I like/love about myself.

You matter. We need you. Just know that.

For months, but especially (oddly) the past few weeks, I’ve been stuck in this state of pity, thinking, “Why isn’t my life how I planned?” and wondering where I went wrong to deserve this extreme state of upheaval and drastic change in literally every aspect of my entire life. It’s been daunting.

For some reason, I woke up this morning and out of nowhere one of my very first thoughts was, “I’m unsure why God has me here, but clearly it’s exactly where he wants me.” Wait, what??

Can’t say that’s once crossed my mind in the past... 6 months? Can’t say I’ve ever thought this was part of HIS plan... and honestly, can’t say God has been much on my radar. I guess I’ve been quite a bit angry at him, or confused about how all this could happen to someone who really tried to be a good person and good Christian wife, leading by example in my faith and in my life and, especially in the last year, had been a real leader in my church- helping to launch and build a new location and taking over in cafe as a Team Leader, while being apprenticed to become a Life Group leader. And then... BOOM. 💥

Interesting concept. This idea that, “you’re right where you are supposed to be,” whether you’re religious or not. Because if THAT is true, we’ll, then... that really changes a lot of things.

Can I believe this is all meant for me? There’s a plan and a purpose? Can I accept that while I didn’t choose this, it was designed to intentionally augment my reality or redirect what I kept derailing in trying to determine what the course of my life should be?

July 1. Day 1.

(Warning. Long, personal post)

June was, by almost any calculation, the worst month of my entire life. May was probably the second worst. More on that eventually.... Today marks the start of the calendar month, the start of a new week, and hopefully the start of my upward climb.

July isn’t going to be suddenly incredible. Not a whole lot has changed since last month, or even just yesterday. But today being my first day back to work full time in almost a month, (June 6th) it’s felt like kind of a starting point. A launch pad. An idea formed in my mind on my way to work during my hour-long train commute that maybe I have to set my terms for creating a turning point in my mind, which would then inform my body to act that out externally. I dedicate that point to be today.

Things will be slow, but I have laid foundation and put out stepping stones, I have learned how to lean on others to find strength where I’ve weakened, and while I don’t know the “final” destination, I am making sure that I don’t drive off the road again, which means sometimes giving up the wheel. I will probably need several road maps daily, but I will continue to reroute when I go off course. I just have to remember I can’t turn around and head back to where I came from.

July represents freedom. I intend to use this month to work on freeing myself from my own self-abuse: crushing myself daily, hourly, under the negative thoughts and self-hate I’ve been dragging around with me. Freeing myself from the sleep deprivation I’ve suffered for nearly two months, which has exacerbated all of my pain and further complicated every challenge I’ve faced. Sleeplessness has drowned me in a fog, incapable of making good decisions and mentally overcoming things the way I for so long charged at every day with. Freedom will come from choosing to accept help, trying new things, learning from my failures and losses, and finding my own purpose.

Day 1 starts when you decide you have to stop looking back, and try to walk forward even if you stumble.

Given I just started walking on two feet again after months of being stuck in an air cast after breaking a bone in the ball of my foot , I’m pretty familiar with that concept in its physical form. I’ve struggled implementing it emotionally and mentally. But today, I am determined to take one step forward. Just one. It’s not going to be flawless and it won’t be painless, but it’s a hell of a lot better than sitting around wondering why you broke in the first place.

Here is the overview:

My 2019 #resolution is in the works. I am officially signed up for two police exams, and my first one is tomorrow. #alltheemotions I just knew I had to take the first steps and see where they lead. #Goddrivenpurpose #cantfinishifyoudontstart

Here are the details:

For the first time in my life, this feels like following, not leading. I almost feel robotic, like someone is drilling out commands and without charging the lead, I’m just taking the steps. Normally, I’ve got a target in sight and I go in full force. This feels more passive, truly taking it step by step, unsure of where it might lead. It feels like compliance, and tranquil at times I would often feel anxious. Is this, “calling?”

I’ve been wondering for years, what could my God-driven purpose be? All I ever knew for sure was it HAD to be people. I felt it might be helping people, but I never knew in what way. 

I would know certain jobs (such as casino marketing) while I was really good at them, just didn’t jive with something inside me. I would move on to something I felt had a better purpose and did more for people. I went on to get a masters in a degree focused on best serving the public and being a good leader within an administration and though i didn’t really know why, I knew it felt right. more right to me than an MBA. I also knew it had to have something to do with planning or problem solving. Those are just my natural talents, my recurring strong points and instincts where in almost any relationship, job or situation I took on, naturally my role just defaulted to.

I’d always known and loved and highly respected law enforcement and anyone who had selected such an important role to play in society. Our protectors. Those who run in when others run away. The very first role-model I can remember back in elementary school, was a DARE Officer (Moran), who I remained in touch with through high school and still feel really made an impact on my life. I wanted to do that. I wanted to be just like my cousin, whose character, strength, passion and “everything” just filled my gut with eagerness and drive every time we would speak. For a long time, I had all the “reasons” not to. My life was fine, full and good, and I was on a path to success.  I was full of logic about why it wouldn’t make sense.

Logic has now been thrown away. While none of this made sense when the lion started chasing me down and threatening to eat me alive in early December, I couldn’t fight the noise in my head and the stirring in my soul. Don’t think for a second I wasn’t shouting my own rationales to drown out the uproar. Then bible app plans just started popping up that told me to just STOP with the reasoning and chase down the lion. That I was made for a wild adventure, and that I had to stop defining that adventure in my own way to really see it. I believe in God, so i THINK this could be my calling. Whatever you believe, you’d be chartering a safari, too. Trust me on that. The feeling just couldn’t be ignored.

So, I figured, what harm could it take to just try? Then, no matter what the outcome, I’d never go to rest at the end of my time wondering if I had tried, would things be different? Would I finally know who I really was and who i was meant to be?