#basil blabs

I started taking a half tab in the morning and I swear to god my racing thoughts have disappeared, my executive functioning is way more solid than usual, I’m not anxious or paranoid or depressed or irritable or hypo/manic, I’m just like, here. In the world. Present and grounded and balanced.

I finally understand what “wise mind” feels like. Its night and day.

I went almost 30 years un-or-mis-diagnosed. I’ve been treating Autism, ADHD, and Bipolar 1 like Depression and anxiety for most of them.

Another rough day. I had a 3 hour virtual class this morning and my cat attacked me half way through my intro so on top of the extreme social anxiety and difficulty with sitting in front of my computer for 3 hours (no breaks) I also had to deal with that.

Then, my wife and I went to Target to get home stuff and my rigidity was extra bad so we almost got in a fight.

Then when we were rearranging our room my wife dropped my Monstera and it broke 3 leaves and lost a ton of dirt and I had a meltdown about it which made her feel guilty even though I didn’t wanna do that so I felt guilty about the meltdown even though I couldn’t help it.

Then, I was going to reheat the last 2 slices of pizza for dinner and they fell off the plate on the way out of the microwave so I also lost my whole dinner and had a complete breakdown.

And now I feel guilty cuz my wife is making me mac n cheese cuz I’m like, immobile at this point.

I have to make rules to have fun because it adds predictability and comfort. But then I’m harsh on myself if I can’t follow the rules I made up myself for fun.

I think part of this is trauma of growing up undiagnosed with no resources. I had to come up with so many rules to keep myself “in line” and meeting allistic and neurotypical standards. This also served to help me navigate school and work with undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD.

Like, I have this color by numbers game and they have a more complex Art section that lets you color in masterworks you’d see in museums. I LOVE this section and I aim to fill in every one of them (they drop new ones on Mondays and Thursdays).

However, I have to do it a certain way and I can’t use hints and I have to do it perfectly all because of all these rules I have in my head. Sometimes I can remind myself that it’s okay to “break” a rule but most times I super cannot do that.

I love my job so much. The actual tasks of my job fill me with so much joy. Even the bits most folks find annoying I like even just a little bit usually.

But when the school year is on, it’s all I can do to just keep my head above water from September to June. Sometimes I can’t even do that.

And its always been like this, every job I’ve had I call out too much and burn out and stop being able to do basic hygiene and self care tasks (like showering and feeding myself) and I get so sick and anxious and depressed until I either leave or can make it to a significant vacation (ie Summer break).

The social and organizational masking I have to do comes to about 10 more steps to everything than my allistic/neurotypical coworkers have to do. And the sensory issues all day long?? Oof.

And then there’s the physical issues - the nausea and vomiting, the gastroparesis, the presyncope, the heart palpitations and dizziness, random mild fevers, migraines, chronic pain.

I don’t know how to keep going like this. But if I try for disability I’ll likely be rejected and even if I’m not it won’t be enough to live on in my state. Not even close.

First - hell yeah! Two months of pride for me in a row!