#barscience

Jon Taffer is thinking about science and wondering how he can use it to get ladies into his bar. Jon Taffer has been in the bar business for over 30 years and knows all the science tricks to get the ladies into his bar. He uses the colour red in everything. Ladies love the colour red and hate deep-fried cod. All ladies love cod tempura but don’t like it to be called deep-fried. That’s one of his many science tricks. Jon Taffer is a major hit with the ladies but never hugs his wife when he’s talking about his bar science tricks, because that’s all business and he’s all about the business. Jon Taffer uses his wife as a honey trap for unruly bar owners.

Sometimes Jon Taffer, or JT (a name that only his science friends get to call him) is measuring stools. The best height stools are the best for his science tricks. If your stools are the right height then your science is best, and if your stools are the wrong height then you’re a shitty fucking bar owner who doesn’t know anything about such science things as eye tracking and foot flow. Every single fucker knows that foot flow is the only goddamn thing worth a damn in the bar business, and anyone who tells you otherwise probably under-orders the citrus vodka. Jon Taffer tried to call the par of a bar the bar-par, but it didn’t take off. The focus groups hated that, even though the bar-par is probably the catchiest thing that Jon Taffer had thought up since leaving grad school with his doctorate in bar science nine thousand years ago.

Jon Taffer is practising shouting at junior staff in the mirror. “YOU’RE THE WORST BAR TENDER I’VE EVER SEEN, IN TWELVE THOUSAND YEARS IN THE BAR BUSINESS I’VE NEVER SEEN A WORSE BAR TENDER THAN YOU. GOD, WHY DID YOU TOUCH THE TAP ON THE GLASS? THIS IS AMATEUR HOUR”. A member of junior staff once spoke back to Jon Taffer, so he got his bar-tending licence revoked. Jon Taffer has the city liquor board in his pocket.