#backback

The comfort and safety he offered me was something I’ve never felt before. At least three times a week he came to pick me up from work and we strolled through the Rainbow, just talked in front of the store or he drove me home. Sometimes we watched an episode of Love Island together.  He even got me my own helmet. “Safety first.” he said nonchalantly, securing the strap under my chin. I was getting really used to having him around. It was just…easy. We could talk for hours and still had things to say. Or we walked in silence, just enjoying our surroundings. When he smiled at me my heart dropped and I knew I matched the glitter of his bright eyes when he looked at me. Fuck. I was falling. Hard. 

“We’re here.” I announced standing in front of the restaurants before greeting the girls.

“Promise to text me?” I asked him and my head short circuited when that dazzling smile spread his lips. “I promise to text or call whenever I can. But I don’t know where they will bring us, so reception may be poor and I can't reach out.”

“Okay.” I said, spreading my arms for him. He reached around my middle and pulled me up to his chest, my feet dangling in the air. It was so hard for me not to wring my legs around him. He tightened his grip around me and let his hand drive over my back when he whispered in my ear. “Be a good girl for me and don’t do anything stupid.” I chuckled at that and he let me slip to the ground again. 

I reached up a hand to cup his face and he leaned slightly into my touch. “Come back in one piece, Wheels.”

Our sweet moment was broken by the high pitched whistle of Feyre “Get a room.” She cheered at us but Cassian threw her a look and rolled his eyes before they found mine again. He took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles before releasing it. I missed the gentleness of his touch instantly and my body began to burn where he had just grazed my skin. My body screamed at me to close off the distance again. I was going crazy.

“You have a lovely evening, ladies.” he waved at us when I took my seat next to Elain.

I watched him go and my eyes landed on his delicious backside. The thin shirt he wore did nothing to hide those glorious back muscles and his juicy ass almost burst his army pants. I wanted a bite. My staring didn't go unnoticed by the girls and they asked me all sorts of questions. How often do we see each other if we’re not spending time with their ‘inner circle’. If he finally asked me out on a date. If I already kissed him.

“I’m serious, stop it. We’re just friends.”

“Friends don't look at each other that way.” Nesta said, cocking a brow. “And they sure as hell don’t pick each other up constantly or text all the time.” her smirk grew as pink tinted my cheeks. And they went straight to scarlet as my cell pinged. I was sure she rolled her eyes at me as I frantically pulled it out, opening Cassian’s text “Have fun, sweetheart. Call me if you need anything.”  

A wide smile split my face and I looked up to take another look at him but he already  was gone.

I wanted more. But I knew Cassian didn't. Feyre and Elain told me that he didn't do dates and all that stuff, he wanted easy one night stands and I was happy that he never brought up the theme of how he hit on other women. He did not want a girlfriend. He was far too busy with work and he would definitely miss his late night rides. I changed the subject and they let it drop.

Here I was. Sitting alone in my room on a saturday night, not knowing what to do with myself. I didn't feel like cooking or watching TV, neither reading nor doing the chores. He said I shouldn't do something stupid so I spared myself a late night walk. One day he told me all about the things he would label as ‘stupid’. Walking at night by myself, opening the door to strangers, staying in bars with too many drunken men. He lectured me “Don't get on another man's bike. Or take candy from weirdos.” 

 I would lie if I said that this overprotective side wasn't just one of the greatest turn ons. I knew how furious he would get if he learned that I broke one of his rules. Not that I wanted to cross that line, I just enjoyed that he tried to take care of me even if he couldn't be around.

I stared at the cell in my hands, hoping that he was okay. I haven't heard from him in days. So I decided to text him real quick and to my surprise he answered.

Why did he had to go on this mother's forsaken time? I began to wonder how hard those tests must be. He must have talked them down and it worried me even more. Did he even get a scheduled sleep or did they torment him and pull him out of bed all the time? The accommodations couldn't be luxurious, more like field beds and bunks in some mold-rotten tavern. I wished I could have smuggled a cozy blanket in his backpack, so that he had some piece of home with him, even if it was from my apartment. Something that reminded him of the world outside of the army.

Later that week I decided to send him some text throughout the days. I hoped he would appreciate the small text and pictures and that they would lift his mind when he felt disconnected from home.

The alarm was blaring deafening over the sounds of the wakening Velaris. I hid my face beneath my pillow, only my hand snaking out to grab my cell. I debated throwing it out the window, but it was a little too early for such drama. I dug out of the piles of thin blankets and was hit with a beam of sun, blinding my eyes. I groaned and blinked furiously to focus on the screen, my vision still clouded from  the bright light before I was able to hit the right button to swipe off the alarm. I pulled the phone with me, back under the sheet finally able to detect that noisy bomb. Then I saw it. An unread message from Wheels.

My breathing hitched. He wrote back two hours ago. They really fucked with his sleep scedule and I made a mental note to google how to reset this kind of jetlag. My finger hovered over the message as my heart hammered in my chest.

damn YN, I leave for a few days, and you're befriending birds, eyeing other bikes and cheating on our favorite takeout spot? 

should I be worried?

but seriously… I love these

I might be freezing my ass off in the middle of nowhere, but seeing a piece of home …even if it’s just your breakfast or you complaining about work, makes it easier

keep them coming, yeah? I don’t wanna miss a single thing

My tiredness was forgotten instantly. I read the message over and over again until I was too late and had to skip breakfast to make it to work on time. The bad mood from the last days gone, I grinned from ear to ear the whole day. He liked the messages and he wanted more. I was so happy about him answering, because I knew he was okay when he did. 

Over the next weeks I sprinkled random messages here and there and watched my cell like a hawk in hope to see the screen light up with his name. It took hours or sometimes even days for him to answer. When I didn't hear of him in days I became afflicted. I knew from years of my dad’s deployment how hard the tours are on both ends. Missing each other and fearing constantly that something bad had happened. But knowing this didn't make it easier.

 I wondered how long and often Cass might be gone when he gets that position… three months- a year could grow quickly into nine. How could I make our friendship work when he would be gone for work infrequently? 

Not being able to talk on a daily basis. No text wor days and weeks. The lack of physical contact often took its toll when people couldn't see each other for longer periods.

That was probably the reason he didn't do dates and didn't want a girlfriend.

That’s what Feyre and Elain had told me the night he saved me from Tamlin, when I told them - perhaps too easily - that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, too. It hadn’t been hard to stay back then. Not when I’d only just arrived in Velaris, when I had other things to focus on. A new job, a new city, a new life.

But now… now, I wasn’t so sure.

I had told myself it didn’t mean anything when Cassian started texting me all the time. That he was just being friendly when he swung by the library with tea, when he made sure I got home safely after my shifts. That it was normal for friends to do things like that.

But were his other friends texting him as much as I did?

Did he send them pictures of the sunrise when he woke up too early? Or did he tell them about the stray cat he always saw on his way to the gym? Did he check in with them just to ask if they were eating enough, sleeping enough?

I told myself it didn’t matter. That what we had was good, was safe, and I should be grateful for that. To have a good friend, not only Elain, that took care of me in this new city.

But now he was gone. Gone for his army tests, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Couldn’t stop hoping that when he finally got his phone back, I’d be the first person he messaged.

Because maybe… maybe I started to want more. More than just his friendship. More than the late-night conversations and the rides on his bike that weren’t dates but felt like they could be.

Maybe I wanted to be his.

And maybe his mind had changed and he wanted me, too.

It rained for three days straight in Velaris. I talked with my dad on the phone and he said the weather in Illyia was just as bad as it was here. Fuck. I begged that the field training in the wilderness wouldn't be happening right now. He must be completely drained and it’s way colder up there than here in the city. Rain means no fire and no fire means no warmth. Hopefully his equipment was waterproof and he didn't have to sleep under a rock. Shit I was really worried about him so I sent him a text.

One day I met E for a girls day at the spa. We went to the sauna and steam baths before we had massages and facial treatments. But it was no use, because nothing helped to peel my thoughts from Cassian.

I haven't heard from him in too long. I knew that he had to stay concentrated and didn't need me to constantly ask if he’s okay - too much distraction. Two weeks have passed and I began to lose the joy of life. I stopped reading our text messages because it hurt too much recalling the past.

I ran down the endless white halls of the hospital. The stinging scent of antiseptic burned in my nose as I stopped to breathe in more air. I didn't remember how I got there, only that I had to find him. If I was too late now, I’ll never see him again.

My shoes squeaked against the linoleum as I crushed against the front desk. “Cassian,” I choked out, my heart hammered in my chest. “Where is he?”

The nurse looked me dead in the eyes “No visitors allowed.”

No. No, that wasn't right. I had to be there for him. I shook my head and yelled in her face. “I need to see him. Please.” my voice cracked and a lump in my throat formed. The nurse’s eyes darkened. “I can’t let you in.”

A sharp, splintering pain cracked through my ribs as if someone had tied a rope to it, pulling at it just to rip it out. The air was caught in my lungs. He was all alone. He was hurt. He needed me by his side.

Fury was all I felt. It soared through me and set me in motion. I shoved past the desk, ignoring the nurse calling me to come back instantly. Doors and walls blurred as I sprinted down the hallway. Staff and orderlies tried to stop me, but I thrashed against them, clawing and biting my way through their bulwark.

Then, there it was. His name on the door.

I crashed through it and my heart shattered.

He laid on a hospital bed, motionless. His face was pale beneath red and blue bruises that painted his cheeks. The stitches along his temple were crusted with dried blood. A tube snaked into his mouth and IV’s trailed from his arms. Beeping machines surrounded him and his eyes were closed. He was Too still. Too quiet.

My feet ate up the distance between us and I reached for his cheek. “Cassian?” my voice cracked. This couldn't be real!

But he stayed still. “Please, Cass. Please, wake up for me. Don’t leave me alone.”

The scene before my eyes blurred and I woke with a ragged gasp. I was sitting in my bed with my heart slamming into my ribs. My pulse drummed through my ears and my hands shook as they covered my face.

Just a bad dream. It was just a bad dream. 

I tried to calm myself down. I threw the sheets around to find my cell.

I unlocked it. 

No texts from Cass.

I read our texts again, fearing that I missed one where he told me he was in hospital. But there wasn't anything like it. The fear still sailed in my veins.

One time when my dad was on tour I dreamt that something happened to him, just to be woken by the call that told me they would pick me up and get me to him… I just really needed to hear Cass’ voice. Hear that he’s okay.

I had asked Az and Rhys if they heard anything from him. Az worked with some super secret agency from the police and Rhysand was the governor's son. So I hoped that one of them might pull some sort of information of how the tests were going. But they declined. They said even if they knew something they weren't allowed to tell civilians about it. Shit.

I panicked and dialed Cass’ number. It rang but he didn't answer. Trepidation soared through me and I opened our text thread.

Between my texts and unanswered calls I stared at the screen, willing a reply that never came. My fingers hovered over the keypad more times than I was proud of. With every hour it became incredibly harder to do anything than to sit in front of my cell. 

That was until I found out that pacing through my apartment mildly prevented my heart from sinking further. My stomach was in knots and they dared to drown me. I tried to call him again but it got straight to voicemail. I left him another embarrassing message. 

When the evening approached the silence suffocated me. I turned on the tv but it made me even more frantic. My hands shook and I sent him the last text. A couple of minutes later I called him again, leaving him another voicemail. I tried to hide the wobble of my lips as long as I spoke but when I set the phone down, tears streamed down my face. I curled up on my sofa, staring at my dark phone when I wasn't looking out my window, hoping to suddenly hear his bike arriving. Hours ticked by and I gave myself pep talks that he is alright before spiraling downwards again, emptying another package of tissues. 

Then a notification pinged. My heart leapt when I saw his name. I fumbled to unlock the screen and a long message popped up.

The knot in my chest loosened when I read the message over and over. He was fine, just exhausted. I imagined him slumping back to camp. Taking a long hot shower and wolfing down his dinner before falling asleep on a too small field bed. I felt guilty laying on my comfy sofa, warm and safe but suddenly tiredness took over and I drifted to sleep.

Five days passed since I last heard from Cass. He told me there were two more tests left. It was Tuesday night, minutes before one a.m. when the landline rang. My dad was the only one who called that number, he hated all that modern texting stuff. I groaned and cursed my dad for calling that late as it didn't stop ringing. I grabbed it, rolling my eyes, pressing the green button and speaker. But the line crackled like someone crushed aluminium foil into small balls.

“H-hello?” I asked, but was met with the electric humming. “Dad is that you?”

A muffled voice whispered my name robotically. Then silence. My skin pebbled and blood pumped too fast through my veins. My fingers trembled around the receiver and bile rose in my throat as if trying to suffocate me. I feared the worst had happened to my dad. “Dad?”

Only the crackle of the line answered. If it was him he would waste no time telling me what was going on.

“Is this a joke? I’m gonna hang up now.”

“Hey sweetheart.” Cassian's voice didn't sound like himself. Like the sunshine had vanished and darkness pummeled him. He sounded tired. He sounded depressed. Tears stung in my eyes. Something wasn't right. I knew those calls. My dad used to make them when shit got really down.  

“Cass what happened? Are you okay?”

Seconds filled with crackling ticked away but I heard how he sucked in a breath. “I really needed to hear your voice.” Another pause. “How are you?”

He wanted to know how I was?

He was on the hardest tests the earth might have ever seen and he asked me if I was okay. I wanted to heal the brokenness in his voice. I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him everything was going to be alright and shield him from the horrors that he had seen. He didn't deserve to be tormented by those horrors, he was a good man. The best. Cassian did deserve to feel okay again. Pressing on telling me how he was wouldn't help nor would my tears of sorrow  be of any use to tim. I needed to give him a piece of home and normality . I tried to give him that by answering honestly.

“I’m okay. Things are normal around here. Work is exciting, we got many new books and I try to enjoy the last days of summer as good as I can. The sunsets are really nice, I wish I could see them from your apartment." Did I say too much? Maybe it was a cheesy thing to say but it was the truth. The humming got louder and pierced deafeningly in my ear as I waited for an answer. My heart pounded in my chest and my breathing became shallow. Why wasn't he saying anything?

 “Cass, you’re scaring me.”

“You got nothing to be scared about. I just…I was operating a scenario for the last days and fucked up shit happened. One of my warriors got hurt and I had to complete the mission and make sure he survived. He’s okay now, but…”

“But what?”

“I’m thinking about you. A lot. It reminds me why I’m doing all this. Keeping the army heads up, they must be ready if something happens and we have to protect our court, our city…you.” Cassian rasped.

The dam broke and relief flooded through me, so fiercely that it knocked the breath from my lungs and my eyes watered. He was okay. Thick drops of tears ran down my face and I gripped the phone tighter to my ear as if it could somehow cross the distance to him.

My heart twisted at his words.

I’m thinking about you. A lot. 

Warmth curled around my heart, my throat tightened as if tendrils of ivy clenched down on it as I tried to swallow. The rasp in his voice echoed through my mind. He had to shoulder so much weight during his tests and yet, in the middle of all that, he’d thought of me.

He exhaled with a deep sigh and my pulse stuttered in response. My heart skipped a beat and fresh tears dropped into my lap as butterflies made of metal fluttered in my stomach. The tremor of my fingers got stronger and I feared that the phone would slip out of my hand.

“Cass…” I stammered and hid my small sniffles and wiped the tears on my cheeks.

“Will you be there? When I come home?”

“Of course I’ll be here. I've been waiting for you this whole time.” All the texts I sent him practically laid my heart open. Of course I was waiting for him here. My next words just shot out of me without control. “And I… I think about you too. How you grin when you’re eating what I cooked for you. The way my heart pounds when you’re picking me up after late shifts and get me home to make sure I'm safe. How gentle your hands are when you lift up my chin.” I chuckled at the last sentence. “And that I can't pull the smile from my face when I read the messages you send me, because I know that you’re okay.”

“Yeah, me too.” there’s my old Cass.

The crackles got louder again. “Cass, are you calling me over a tin can? I can barely hear you.”

He chuckled “Kind of. Used all my privileges to get that walkie talkie type of oldschool phone to reach out to you. I don't have much time. Tell everyone I say hello, would you?”

“Of course.” I answered and I heard his small chuckle over the electronic humming.

“I’ll see you soon, sweetheart. Stay safe for me okay?”

“Okay, but you too, Wheels.”

Almost a week has passed since Cassian called me. My heart hammered when I saw his name on my cell. No, it was thrashing to jump out of my chest when I heard his voice.

“Guess who’s finally on his way back to Velaris in two days.” his husky voice chimed on speaker from my cell.

“Wheels, if this is a joke, I swear-”

“No joke.”

My cell nearly slipped out of my grip as I tried to hold it closer. “Two days?” my voice was out of control and pitched higher than I anticipated. I felt dizzy, as if the room around me stretched and contracted. I was breathless and my heart pounded wild and unsteady in my chest. I was sure he could hear my pulse through the line. I couldn't contain my legs from bouncing beneath the table. My palm grazed my bottom lip as if it could trap the joy spilling over. “Two days!” I whispered to myself. 

I bit my lip and smiled wildly as I planned the day he would come home inside of my head. I could call all of his inner circle and wait to surprise him in front of his apartment, they surely know where he lives. I could make a welcome home banner and we could fire confetti cannons. Then we could have a barbecue on his large balcony. We could watch the sunset together. I could finally hug him again and see his handsome face smiling at me. 

“You still there?” he asked. 

How long haven't I been answering?

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just overwhelmed. I was starting to think you’d fallen off the edge of Prythian.” I teased and tried to easen up my sprialing mind.

“Nah, too stubborn for that. Plus, I couldn't leave you hanging.” he chuckled and paused, contemplating what to say next.

“I was thinking… We can celebrate my return…  together. Just you and me. How about I finally take you on that ride? A real tour of Velaris, Wheels-style?” He offered in a husky voice.

I instantly threw all my plans overboard - they couldn't compare to his idea. I jumped out of my chair and got over to the calendar that hung on the wall over the console to circle his homecoming day with a thick red sharpie.  

“I’d love that, Cass. But I want to drive. You wanna be my backpack?” I mused, my voice dripping with irony.

He just laughed at that nonsense. I imagined how he would throw his head back when he did that. “No chance, sweetheart.”

“Pity.” I chuckled. “But since you're dragging me around the city, the least I can do is cook you dinner after.”

“Deal!” He shot back and I could practically see the grin on his face.