#autisticreigen

i don’t think he was underfed or neglected, i don’t think he had the capacity then to neglect himself the way he might later in life during the stressful and traumatic events of the canon storyline, and i think even with a “metabolism out of some sort of mirror dimension” (as i had georgie describe it once) there’s still a chance that for a while, he was just... comfortable!

particularly having grown up on grandma food :’-)

(which is a phrase that lives in my brain now because of this wonderful art & HC post by @b-e-n-j-a-m-i-n-s! thank HIM for the push towards chubby jon in the GTCU!)

i’d been thinking about it ever since he posted this and after ren drew this little number here, i was like, fuck it. going back to edit the first couple of chapters of two ships passing, since that’s the one where i spent the most time talking about him as a kid & some time in university! i think he would still have some baby fat around then and it’s just adorable.

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i just think a lot about gaining weight as healing, to show signs of progress and comfort, especially when there is such a large culture surrounding weight loss as a signifier of being Healthy when the methods pushed to get people there are so often harmful instead.

as a fat person myself, i’d like to see (and so write!) more stories that don’t condemn bodies for whatever shape they naturally take, and allowing characters within them to embrace themselves and each other as they are! and, when applicable, explore insecurities and the mental toll that society’s treatment of particular bodies will inevitably take on a person, in a way that explores how to recover from it. 

that’s something i plan to do with martin especially, but there’s definitely some of it in my concepts for tim, georgie and melanie, as well.

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in terms of jon, i still think he’s on the thinner side of that spectrum, but i almost want to emphasize that it’s less, like... Traumatic Emaciation and more simply. not being fit? he’s just. not Fit.

he doesn’t exercise regularly! he scurried around a lot as a kid, but he was also a hypermobile asthmatic who had no interest in sports or getting sweaty or any of that. he had good endurance for walking, he could walk for ages, but that was about the extent of it.

the most physical activity i really put any focus on is the fact that he definitely did used to do some DDR when he worked in an arcade, and he learned some of the dances from favorite bollywood films! so he spent a lot of time just dancing around his bedroom and he never showed ANYONE that until he taught some to georgie, leo and alma in uni.

then his knee injury at 22 really benched him for a while! but he still remembers the moves ( >:3c )

so, he was a chubby kid! outright had a round face and was made of soft shapes and was still very Short so he was, like. so tiny and compact.

and then he hit a few growth spurts and it all leveled out over time, but there are always going to be little places your body just says, “okay, genetics say to anchor some fat here, so here it is!” and you just have to live with that sometimes.

it stays mostly around his tummy! little muffin top over his waistband.

g-d i love him.

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i have a particular fondness for, like... the small idiosyncrasies in bodies.

things being a little uneven or a distinctive mole or birthmark somewhere or an unconventional gap in the teeth or small ears or thick eyebrows or how someone’s tummy might not quite “match” how their torso is shaped, but it’s very distinctly theirs.

in TSP CH7, when i describe jon wearing a saree for the first time, he describes his body type in relation to insecurities about it:

“It never felt like he could wrap himself up so securely, and that the problem lay with him. Him and his narrow hips and the bit of belly fat that doesn’t match his skinny chest or shoulders, how little muscle he has to his name. Even if he managed to get it to stay, it would still outline the wrong silhouette.”

most of this is social dysphoria, and the important part of the scene is how absolutely enamored georgie is the second she sees him, and they actually Talk about how important it is for him to feel safe wearing something he’s always wanted to try wearing.

but going back and adding the bit about belly fat there was important to me! the outfit included a choli top that stops just under his ribs, and he’s never really been very used to wearing clothes that show that much skin, even if he covers it up with the saree itself. baring his midriff was totally new to him, both in a gender way and a general body image way.

it was a big step for him!

and it’s nice to explore some insecurities with him because we all have them, and i like to focus on him living his life anyway with people who find him charming and love him wholly.

other people can’t heal our insecurities, but they can certainly help!

(g-d. i love writing pre-canon jon. filling in those blanks is my favorite thing to do.)

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i think he’s very drawn to people who just appear at home in themselves. people who are solid and warm and good to hang onto when they’re walking together. he likes the balance. he finds them miraculous.

(i’ve said before that his type is “Big Handsome” and i stand by that.)

and frankly? i think sometimes he wishes he was structured more like that, could keep more weight on and fill himself out, but it’s just not quite what his body is built to do!

his fat distribution shifted a little as he aged and it went into some funny directions and it takes him a bit to find peace with it, i think he’s just naturally predisposed to being critical of himself despite being so strong-willed in social situations.

(which sometimes was to scare people away before they could come to judge him for the things he can’t help or change. he’s so. eye. jhbkjn.)

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i also HC georgie as fat! you can see her here in this art of ren’s, too.

i really like the idea that jon and georgie both feel very at home with each other and each other’s bodies. the idea that they helped each other to love themselves a little more when they were together even if loving each other didn’t work out in the end.

i like that it was jon who suggested they deserved forgiveness for the things they spent so long denying themselves. i feel like it’s important that he said that. he was able to see that once and really mean it.

the effects of fatphobia ingrained into all of us do make it difficult for many fat people to even fathom relationships being possible much less being healthy. it’s important to me to see and portray fat people in relationships being loved and loving others and having that love be valued and sought after. georgie is a hot catch! she knows it! we all know it!

(she has her own things to overcome that i’ve written about before/plan to expand on when she’s able to have more of a focal point in PBR, but for now this will stay about jon!)

so i just really like the idea of georgie — someone jon adores and respects and feels safe with and encouraged by — being fat, and how that might make him feel more comfortable with a part of himself that certainly was involved in whatever bullying he experienced growing up.

and i especially like this because in my mind, i connect it directly to his family life and history, in a positive, nostalgic way that extends into adulthood as something that brings him great comfort.

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time for the family, history and cooking HCs!

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jaya @tolbyccian​​​ and i were talking just the other night about their HCs for jon’s family, and we can agree wholeheartedly on one thing: 

jon grew up feeling at home sitting on kitchen counters.

as a kid, he loved being sat up there and passing utensils to whoever was doing the cooking, helping stir things, dropping stuff in pots, anything they’d let him or ask him to do.

both of our HCs for him differ greatly from one another, but race and heritage plays an important role in both of them! all the way from grandma to georgie.

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i personally HC jon as jewish and indian!

his mother (sarika) was indian, and his father (isaiah) was a quarter indian himself, with a mixed race jewish/indian mother and a white father who converted to judaism for marriage.

that's a large part of jon’s grandmother's story (i named her miriam, and he calls her his dadima! which is a hindi word.)

miriam knew of her ancestry but didn't have exposure to culture due to being displaced during WWII.

her primary connection was to jewish culture through her surrogate sister, ruth, who was with her in the farmhouse that she ended up in when she was moved to england.

ruth insisted that they both remember their prayers and recipes and everything they could while they had to suppress themselves, and so miriam held onto that for a long time.

she and her husband agreed to raise isaiah jewish, and isaiah and sarika agreed to do the same with jon, as sarika was never particularly religious herself and they all agreed that given the family's history, it was important to keep this part of it alive.

a large part of keeping things alive in their house meant food.

many of the recipes that miriam ended up with were from her friends at synagogue, people she met as she grew older and established herself within that community in the absence of recipes from her own parents.

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what sarika also had, was food!

it’s her recipes that really made the difference, and that really linger in jon’s head for the rest of his life. miriam’s recipes were comfortable, but sarika’s were fun.

she used to cook a lot in the house, all-day-long sort of cooking, and jon remembers that as best he can given how hazy his memories of his parents are.

sarika and miriam connected on this, as well. they all lived in the same house together (all the roomier when miriam’s husband died, even more so when isaiah fell, and so on.)

miriam had been able to cling onto her jewish heritage on her mother’s side, but not so much indian culture on her father’s!

having sarika in the family was something she loved very dearly. they worked together, they uplifted and encouraged each other, and they held things together in the short time when they were the two that were left.

but even before that? sarika introducing indian recipes into the house was something miriam latched onto with her entire heart.

miriam, like jon, is autistic! and cooking was one of her special interests, alongside maritime history and the ocean.

so, she was very good with establishing routines.

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after sarika's death, miriam started up a new tradition: bebe night!

every year on sarika’s birthday, she and jon would cook what they still had of her favorite recipes: chana masala, simple biryani, dahl with rice, paneer, naan and raita, so on and so forth.

jon loved bebe night. it made the time surrounding those anniversaries a lot less painful, and gave them a means to celebrate sarika’s life instead of dwelling fully on the loss of her, or sweeping it under the rug.

his associations with “tradition” as a concept are very strongly rooted in his very small family and the glancing memory of when he had a bigger one, if a little less in the grand scheme of broader community.

he’s very much someone who tends towards a narrow focus in most areas of life (very beholding of him, again.) and so being able to have this is really important to him.

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i just think food is one of his love languages.

food was a huge part of how he was shown love and nourishment and encouragement growing up, and so it’s a part of how he expresses it as an adult!

he makes big batches of things and then gives away leftovers as necessary, even if he pretends it’s not a big deal.

he will NOT let you help him with the food itself, but he will occasionally let you stand in the kitchen, or sit on the counter (if there’s a lot of room very far away from his work station.)

and if he asks for your help?

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i think one day in uni, he was cooking aloo gobi.

(for georgie, of course. he spent some time looking for new recipes that didn’t rely on meat to fill the space left by all of his bebe’s old favorites that did. it was nice to look through websites and books together marking down things they were both interested in. it was nice to see him get excited to try something new.)

georgie was leaning on the counter and chatting with him while he diced the russet potatoes and he asked her to get a head start on frying the cumin seeds for him, the same way he might ask her to glance out the window for the weather. 

until they pop, he said. i should be done with these in time to stir in the onions myself.

i think that’s the moment she knew for certain. not that she loved him — she figured that out a few months ago listening to him rip apart some cheesy paranormal investigation show they’d left on the telly, until she offered to turn it off and he said, what? no, i’m having fun.

she knew she loved him. he’d already said he loved her, too.

that was just the moment she knew he meant it.

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it’s also just one of his favorite things to do in the autistic way!

he loves the mathematics of following a recipe. of getting something exactly right, and feeling accomplished.

but what he loves even more is being able to become so confident in what he’s doing that he can comfortably deviate from the guidelines and make adjustments that make it just right. special, and memorable, and fun.

this is why the indian recipes are his personal favorite when he wants to decompress; the spices!

the sheer amount of spices he gets to work with is like a puzzle. there are so many pieces, and one little addition or missing something else can change the whole taste.

it’s one of the only times he enjoys the pursuit of discovery. the “maybe i’ll try to put a little spin on something i know i love.” 

it won’t scare him out of trying again, or frustrate him into giving up on it.

bebe never got angry at him for tapping too much turmeric into a pot. dadima never got angry at him for a bit of shell falling into the bowl with an egg he almost cracked perfectly.

no one will be angry with him if it’s not exactly the same or better than the last time he made it; they’re just going to be happy to eat.

so he doesn’t get angry with himself when he makes a mistake, either. it’ll still be worth something. it’s a very forgiving art.

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he likes feeling proud of himself! it’s a productive activity that results in a tangible show of his effort and skill, it provides actual benefit, and he can give it away. he can show off a little! he can have something that’s his, and that people know him for, and look forward to, and cherish.

that feels amazing to him, you know? it makes him feel peaceful, and happy. it’s something he really, truly loves.

even if he doesn’t do it near as often (or, eventually, at all) when things go south for him, there was a time in his life when it was his favorite thing to do! and in an ideal world, it’s something he can get back.

just like the little bit of weight on his belly that says he’s doing well.

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put simply, then: