#audhd parenting

My latest entry would be living in a smaller space than average, especially with a family.

This summer we, as a family of four, will be downsizing to an 1,100 square foot apartment from a four bedroom house. Like most people, the ever increasing cost of living is raising the limit of affordability for us. As parents, we want our kids to have opportunities to pursue their passions while maintaining our own sanity. In two years, the cost of renting our house has gone up 20%, the cost of health insurance has almost doubled, and food costs have already changed our eating habits. We have to make big changes to keep the balance of meeting everyone’s needs.

I’m choosing to frame this as an adventure and a creative opportunity, if for no other reason than I think it’s important for our kids to see that kind of positive problem solving modeled for them.

The trashy/classy divide comes from how you’re able to change your space. Yes, an architect living in Paris who owns their own apartment and can afford custom built furniture will no doubt have a beautiful, functional living space. The challenge comes from not having the money to make your space suit your needs exactly, and having to make do and repair what you have for as long as possible.

I have moved 13 (soon 14) times over the course of my 34 years, the last three (soon to be four) have been with small kids. That’s a lot of different places, and a lot of different life phases. Very few physical belongings have made it through all of those moves, but I’ve learned a thing or two about adapting needs to the space available.

I think open plan interior design is bad for our mental health, especially for anyone with any kind of neurodivergence.

My oldest kid has a few sensory processing issues, and as they grow up I feel like as soon as one coping mechanism is discovered, it becomes obsolete and a new one as needed. With the start of public school, I knew there would be a real shakeup and I was right. After school and weekends feel like we’re taking the express lane to meltdowns and I’ve been beating my head against the wall trying to find answers. Last night I think it clicked. Our kitchen, dining room and living room are all one space. Nothing separates one from the other. Even though we live in a fairly large house, it feels like we’re constantly on top of each other and I think this is creating a kind of cascade of failure that results in my oldest having a meltdown almost every single evening when it all gets to be too much.

I understand where they’re coming from. I hate playing with Kid 2 in the living room and seeing dishes to be done and a messy table out of the corner of my eye constantly. Delineation is good. Separation of activities is good. I think it’s especially grinding on primary care parents to be constantly surrounded by visual cues of chores yet to be done.

I’ve promised Kid 1 that I will do whatever I can to reduce noise and increase calm so we can all have a better evening. While I stand by that promise, my question is how do I possibly go about it? I think the first round is to get rid of anything that isn’t serving us. I hate feeling obligated to the physical objects that makeup my household. If it doesn’t make the lives of my family better, it’s gone, no questions asked. One of the first things I did to that end was switch to all metal serving wear. Metal cups, plates, and mugs. Sure, there are cuter options, but not having to worry about broken glass imported lives of my kids. Cute dishes can wait until they’re a little less impulsive.

Reduction is a great first step, but as for solving the problem of an inhospitable layout, that may have to wait until we move and downsize, hopefully sooner than later.

In my defense, moving with at least one three year old child is just…. I dont even have words for it. But now we’re in the apartment, the house is empty and it’s time to start finding the new normal. As much as I want to get back to making and creating, as the primary care parent it’s on me to make a supportive home environment for everyone else first.

My current struggle. I feel bad. I feel unsettled. I like a cozy home and pulling things out of boxes sucks. Not being able to find what I’m looking for stresses me out. There are so many little stressors in the first days after a move that can really drain my emotional reserves. I have to keep reminding myself that I haven’t done anything wrong, that bad feelings is looking for an explanation as to why it’s there. I’m not in trouble, things are just a little crazy. I have the power to make things better and resolve those bad feelings

In the run up to the move, I was very distressed by having to downsize and declutter. Hoarding is something I genuinely struggle with, and on the back half on a move I really, really have a hard time with all the little things that get lost or broken over the course of the move. That feeling of loss of control only exacerbates the desire to hoard. When you move frequently, that means a lot of time is spent fussing over stuff.

As stressful as a downsizing from a house to an apartment is, there are some things I’m really looking forward to.

For over ten years, I’ve made clothes from vintage sewing patterns as my chief hobby. I love every bit of it. Once upon a time, most of my wardrobe was homemade, vintage style and I loved it.

I was able to keep my hobby going through baby #1, but after baby #2 things got rocky. A big part of that was due to buying a house that needed an astronomical amount of work done and for two years my hobby was just keeping the roof over our heads in one piece. While there will be less space, there’s just no way that living in an apartment will demand as much work as living in a rotting house.

Along with my begrudging turn to minimalism comes plans for a common sense capsule wardrobe. I have always loved the idea of a capsule wardrobe, but I’ve never even been able to make it work on paper. And if one more person tells me in need to “invest in elevated basics” I’m going to be on the evening news. My love of vintage clothes tends much more towards the psychedelic prints of the 60s, the exaggerated details of the 70s, and the long vanished shapes of the 30s than the paired down drab “classic” looks.

We officially have a downtown apartment and will be leaving the suburbs in about a month. Time to get serious about pruning our family’s physical belongings. Now that I know the dimensions of our future living space, I can be much more definitive about wha goes and what has to be left behind.

The challenge to all this is that things will be left behind. There’s no organizational system to buy, no amount of plastic totes will change the fact that everything inside of a four room suburban house cannot fit inside of a two room apartment. And as a chronic hobby collector, I am the chief offending clutter bug.

At this point in the process, I’m feeling a little hopeless. I am chipping away at piles of junk that I don’t remember having, but yet can’t seem to get rid of. Every time I switch from one doom pile to the next, I watch another video on YouTube about how to be a minimalist, wishing I could dig down and find the grit to just throw out all this stuff! I’m so tired of spending so much of my day just moving stuff from one place to another!

I realize that I wasn’t using my phone to feel better, just to not feel mildly bored or uncomfortable. But not having that small distraction makes me feel much worse. What’s crazy is that feeling does go away on its own fairly quickly, I’m just a cranky lil bitch in the meantime.