#assion

I am writing now because I think I need to. Most of the time, I am sitting, thinking and searching for inspiration to write. I always say to people asking what I want to be ten years from now is that I want to be a writer. I actually have an almost-polished plan. I will take Accountancy in college then pass the board exam then find a job then when I am already financially stable, I will find a way to be a writer. But then I don’t feel happy with it. I always see how long it would take for me to become a writer. I can see the flaws of my life and somehow it makes me anxious.  

    I am writing this now because I know it would take a long time for me to feel this kind of feeling. The feeling when you have a lot of things inside your head you just can’t stop typing. I want to write everything that’s inside my mind right now without deleting any of it. I don’t know who I am and maybe by writing this, I would have a clue.

    I have a good set of friends, but then sometimes I realize if they really like being with me. I always do a lot of stupid things. I feel weird about myself. Right now, I feel like I need some place where I can burst out this feeling. I am on this part of my life where I feel like I am a tremendous mistake. Where I feel like I am a sad story. A bad song. One time, something pops into my head: if I die tomorrow, would someone come to notice or feel my absence? Would someone feel bad or sad not seeing me? I tend to love those people who would never love me as much as I love them. I don’t know why. I feel like no one really understands me, not even my parents. No one wants to hear me out. No one wants to know how I am doing. No one asks if I’m happy. No one appreciates my presence. No one wants my presence.

    I want someone who will talk to me about their day, how are they doing and how they are feeling, not someone who just talks about the weather. I want someone who will think of me first when they are excited about something or afraid of something. I want someone who would show me that I have worth. And I have met that person, and I just wasted her.

I had this friend of mine on my junior year. I didn’t really expect me being friends with her. After a month of being friends with her, I already treated her like my best friend. We eat together, we just hang out together, and we go to her house almost every day. For the first time, I became excited going to school early and it’s because of her. But then, I am a one huge mistake. I don’t remember what happened but our friendship came to an end. And as I remember, that was the most painful days of my life. The day after our misunderstanding, I expect her not to attend classes but there she is sitting at the back of the room talking with our classmates. I can still feel that moment, it’s very cold and painful. The moment I saw her, my heart raced so fast I don’t know what to do. My mouth couldn’t say a word. My body doesn’t know how to move and my heart feels like it is inside a dark narrow cage and the key is missing. I took a seat. The classes start. She was sitting right in front of me listening to the teacher. And I am just behind her staring at her. And fear crept my heart. I can feel it again. The feeling of being nothing. Of being sad. I don’t remember who or what I am before she came. She won’t listen to me so I sent her letters, but I didn’t get any response. I tried asking her if we can talk, she would agree but then she would walk away without a word. And I stayed like that for months. Broken, sad, bothered, and overthinking.