-Warning: The following section contains panels with depictions of injvries and bl0od. Reader discretion is advised for those sensitive to any of these topics-

Well, my girls, in this chapter we've spiraled to understand Chris's orientation in the fic and how, little by little, he's ended up labeling himself with such cruel words. Undoubtedly, the world can make what you used to see as something good become a flaw in your own eyes.

This chapter was definitely very hard for me to write. Even though I've written about Aroace characters before, this is the first time I've portrayed it with such intensity. I had to stop between paragraphs to avoid getting overwhelmed. Although my process isn't exactly the same as Chris's, and I never reached that level of self-loathing, I did incorporate a couple of my own experiences to amplify the impact. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to curl up in a ball. As always, here's the previous part, and goodbye.

----This happened a year ago.

I was visiting my great-grandma at the hospital with the whole entire family tree before she passed away. The doctors weren't sure how much longer she had to live—she was almost a hundred.

Despite the news that this might be the last time anyone could see her, there were jokes and stories galore that had everyone laughing.

Even my great-grandma was having the time of her life.

But then, the conversation had turned to me. My great-grandma asked me when I was going to get married and have kids.

Yeah...

Not even my own parents had asked me that before. In fact, both my mom and dad had already accepted that, while they would love to have grandkids, they might not have grandkids and they're okay with that as long as we're happy.

I had no idea what to say.

My grandpa had then spoken up, saying that I was still looking for a partner and eventually it would happen. (I hadn't bothered to mention my life partner because of how that might be perceived)

Of course, my great-grandma was sad.

She got to see all her other grandbabies and great-grandbabies have kids except for me. And no, my siblings/younger cousins are much younger than I am (some barely in their twenties, and others still teens), so no one expected them to have kids any time soon.

I hadn't corrected my grandpa, but now I wish I had because after my great-grandma had passed, my grandparents are now bugging me about having kids.

I'm the second oldest amongst their grandbabies and the only one who hadn't gotten married/have kids yet.

I didn't know what to tell them every time this conversation was brought up, but now I do, all thanks to my doctor, lol!

My doctor had told me recently that it was best for me to not have kids because of all my health issues and that there was a high guarantee that the baby and I would not make it through the labor process.

Not the kind of thing that someone would normally want to hear, but... I had no issues at all, lol! I'm sex repulsed anyway.

And when the conversation was brought up during a farewell party for my dad's brother (my uncle) who was moving out of the state with his family for work, I basically said exactly what the doctor told me.

Haha!

first off thank you this is such a nice message and i love that people also feel the vibes of soft and intimate from my sonadow art that’s my only ever goal whenever i drew them 😭😭

second off FELLOW AROACE PERSON ACQUIRED 🫵‼️like omg you get it i love thinking about ships in a cat coding way if that makes sense but especially sonadow bc they’re animals so i just love thinking about them as little guys i can put in my pocket just like my cat

like idk if this is an aroace thing bc i don’t hear it described in a way that i relate to exactly so this might just be me but basically: i’ve always loved romance and ships in fiction but as i got older i slowly realized that i don’t think i can feel it for myself. which kinda made me sad at first because the idea of having a partner always seemed so nice, that was the main reason i didn’t think i was aroace at first because i thought i had always wanted to be in a relationship. i did some research and looked into different identities on the aroace spectrum, and thought that cupioromantic was probably the most accurate to what i was feeling, but later didn’t feel like it applied to me because i think the “enjoys the idea of being in a relationship” doesn’t fit right? ig?? idk how to describe it other than i like the idea of relationships, but it took me awhile to realize that i didn’t really want to apply myself in one if that makes sense.

most likely there’s a thing or word out there that already exists to describe that and i just haven’t been looking up the right terms, but basically this is just a very very long way of saying that i feel like whenever i get into a ship it sorta..…attaches?? to my very identity or something?? like i know people can be like “this is my OTP i love them forever and think about them literally all the time” and it’s like YES that’s me but also feels like an understatement, like all of my past hyperfixations on ships are literally ingrained into my soul even i’m not that into them anymore. and i know people compare hyperfixations to relationships and tbh that’s probably the most accurate description but again, that feels like an understatement.

okay honestly idk where i’m going with this i think what i’m TRYING to say is that i feel like because i can’t feel romance for myself my appreciation for ships feels so much more…emphasized, and sonadow is like the longest consistent hyperfixation i’ve ever had on a ship and at that point usually when something has been a “hyperfixation” for 2+ plus years i put it on the special interest display case in my brain except that display case has only ever had like hobbies and fandoms themselves, never an actual fictional relationship that i’m obsessed with but here we are. it might be the development of brain has synched up with this specific hyperfixation but sonadow is the first ship that makes me feel genuinely happy to this degree. it doesn’t make me sad to think about them and also go “aw i’m sad because i’ve never felt that way about another person and probably won’t experience that ever” in the exact same way you would go “aw i’m going to be dead someday” when you think about the fact that you’re alive right now and conscious and exist and have a mini existential crisis of the week. like sonadow doesn’t do that to me, i really just love those stupid fucking gay hedgehogs so much they’ve actually changed the entire layout of my brain and all the neurons and shit they’re everything to me.