Hercules In New York (1969) Dir. Arthur Allan Seidelman
As requests go, this is up there with boldest. What can be said about Hercules In New York? If you've never seen it, you are probably unaware as to just how bad cinema can be. I first saw Hercules In New York when I was a lot younger, and even then the unbelievably poor quality struck me. This may be starting to sound like a film you should avoid like the preverbial plague - but this film is very much worth watching. It is the definition of, "so bad, it's good".
Hercules In New York is notable for being the cinematic debut of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who plays Hercules (billed as 'Arnold Strong 'Mr Universe' - presumably the spelling of Schwarzenegger more than baffled the filmmakers). After centuries of being stuck in Olympus, Hercules demands his father, Zeus, allows him to journey to Earth as he is 'bored'. After some terrifically acted to-ing and fro-ing, Hercules is sent to Earth and ends up in New York City. Once there, he struggles to deal with modern life, getting into some of the worst scripted and executed fight scenes in existence and displaying his demi-god powers in some of the most irrelevant showings of strength imaginable; on one occasion, flipping over a taxi for no apparent reason.
Whilst in New York City, Hercules is befriended by a pretzel salesman, called Pretzie (Arnold Stang), who may in fact be the most gifted facial expressionist that has ever lived. To be fair to Mr. Stang, some of these expressions may just be in reaction to how awful this film is. Some of the events that follow their pairing together are just so insane, they must be seen to be believed. This includes a long jump competition, a weightlifting contest and Hercules wrestling an escaped bear (man in an absolutely dreadful bear costume) in Central Park.
If you do watch this film, the original un-dubbed version is a must see. Due to Schwarzenegger's poor English at this point, the theatrical version of the movie had a voiceover. The audio track with Schwarzenegger's thick Austrian accent is comedy gold. 90% of his lines cannot be deciphered, but once they are after many rewinds and repeats, you are left with some of the finest one-liners Arnie has ever produced. None more so than in the scene where he grabs a forklift truck and utters the immortal line, "Fine chariot.....but where are your horses" (took me 3 replays to work that one out).
The only thing I can really say of this film is that it has absolutely no artistic merit whatsoever. However, this is still very much must-see. Intentionally or un-intentionally, this is without doubt the funniest film there is. It is very difficult to bring yourself to watch, but once you do, your life will be one step closer to completion. If you've already seen this, please spread the word. This is a film everyone should see at least once.
No point in beating around the bush, this film is unworthy of even 1/10. The only reasons for watching are Arnie's terrible English, the worst fight scenes ever filmed and the world's worst acting. May be preferable to watch under the influence. The stronger the intoxicant, the better.
