#arfid things

– checking my face/arms/tongue 87 times a day just to confirm i’m not randomly going into anaphylaxis

– eating the same 4 safe foods over and over again because ✨variety is terrifying✨ and granola bars are the only thing standing between me and a breakdown

– needing to pretend it’s 2014 and i’m 13 again because that was the last time my brain felt like a safe place to live

– watching the same 3 comfort shows from when i was a kid because nothing else feels real enough to ground me

– having to convince myself that minor symptoms aren’t fatal diseases 6 times a day like it’s my job

– clinging to fan accounts, fictional characters, bands, and online friends like they’re literal lifelines (because sometimes they are)

– playing Fortnite or drawing for hours because if i stop, the spiral starts

– doing everything i can to stay calm when my brain is screaming “YOU’RE DYING” over a fkn skin flake

– reminding myself over and over again that being alive is still the goal, even when my brain makes it feel terrifying

I want to use this blog to kinda help with arfid awareness, even though I know its an extremely small blog. So I guess here is a little about what arfid is like for me. I have the type of arfid that makes me not want to eat due to fear of adverse consequences. So every time I eat my throat feels like its closing and then I have a panic attack. The only things that don’t cause this are s’more pop-tarts and protein bars, which is exactly what I have been living off for 3 months. I can occasionally get myself to eat fries, chips, or like chick-fil-a, but even that is debatable some days. 

Mine developed because I have anxiety and OCD, both of which manifest in food related ways for me (bad packaging means something wrong with it, its one day expired, doesn't look right, texture slightly different from before, there's something on the utensil or plate so can't use it, etc). So adding up, I just came to avoid food and would rather starve myself then face a panic attack. When I first learned of arfid I was both relieved and a bit upset. Relieved because that meant other people deal with the same thing. I was upset because it falls under eating disorder which has a pretty negative connotation in society. I was worried if I told people why I couldn’t eat they would respond with “just eat something then” (which they already say anyways so...)