#anyways...............

god in two weeks it'll be a year since the last time we saw each other/spoke and i HATE how much it still fucks with me. I go for hours-long stretches of time without thinking about it which is such an improvement but I still go through a ton of grief and anger, especially at night or trying to sleep in in the morning. it's just this massive ambiguous loss that i have no closure from, and know outright from things he said that i'm struggling with it so much more than he is, and that feels so shit based on the rest of our dynamic. anyway it's so crazy to build an entire life entwined with your best friend until you're partners and to then have an enormous breach of trust and then live with that person for four more months and have session after session of hours-long tear-streaked messy challenging arguments where devastating things were said every time. and then have him leave one day and move over a thousand miles away and NEVER SPEAK AGAIN. and i'm still so sick about it and i feel like i'm farrrr past the point where i can talk about it to anyone in my irl life because it's just so fucking pathetic. but the pain of your life's foundational relationship being severed in such an extreme and difficult way is still challenging me a year later. and i've made some progress bc this time last year i was FUCKED UP. and i hope a year from now i'll be much better. but idk idk the upcoming anniversary is coming up and i just can't stop ruminating, the way i did around his birthday which was the pivotal breaking point we never returned from ever again. this person was the only person i have ever felt to have truly known me, there was a kindred of spirit there neither of us had ever experienced, he basically taught me how to open up to and trust another person, and then the trust was shattered, etc etc etc etc whatever....idk it's just like why can't i get over it it's been a year and you weren't even fucking ! lol.