maybe this time
ab x reader
warnings: angst, infertility themes, crying, lowkey heartbreaking lol
a/n: haven't posted in a while so here's something angsty again because apparently i hate peace. hope you like it :(
the front door shut with that usual little bang because alfie never really closes it properly.
"reader?" he called out, kicking his shoes off, shrugging his jacket off one shoulder.
but then he heard it. and yeah- his stomach dropped straight away. not quiet crying, not the 'i'll wipe my face before he sees' kind. this was loud and messy sobbing, like you couldn't breathe.
"shit- reader?" he said, already moving down the hall.
the bedroom door was slightly open and when he pushed it, there you was. curled up on the bed, with your phone in her had, tiktok playing. it was some baby video- tiny little thing asleep on his mum, holding onto her like she was his whole world. you looked wrecked. like properly wrecked. face flushed, tears everywhere, breathing uneven like you couldn't catch it, fingers gripping the duvet like it did something wrong.
alfie didn't even think.
"hey- hey, what's goin' on girl?" he said, climbing onto the bed straight away.
you didn't answer, just let out this broken sound and reached for him, and that was enough. he pulled you into him instantly, one hand on the back of your head, pressing you into his chest.
"i've got you, i've got you," he murmured, steady, even though his chest already felt tight.
you grabbed onto him like you needed him to stay upright.
"i can't do it," you cried into his hoodie, words all messy. "i can't- alfie, i can't do it-"
"hey, slow down, yeah?" he said softly, rubbing your back, but you shook your head, pulling back just enough for him to see your face- and fuck, yeah. completely shattered.
"why can't i just get pregnant?" you cried.
that hit harder than anything else you could've said. he swallowed, jaw tightening slightly, but he didn't interrupt.
"i don't get it," you went on, voice breaking, hands shaking a little. "we've been trying for months and it's just.. nothing. every time it's nothing and i feel so fucking stupid for thinking it'd be different."
he pulled you back into him straight away.
"you're not stupid," he said quietly into your hair, but his mind had already gone back there.
the doctor's office was too quiet. your hand was in his, squeezing his every time the doctor paused like you alreadt knew something was coming.
"everything looks fine," the doctor said. "you can conceive."
you actually smiled at that- small, but it was there. alfie squeezed your hand like, see? told you. but then..
"it may be difficult."
and yeah, that smile didn't last.
"difficult how?" you asked, trying to sound normal but he could hear it.
"it could take longer than average. possibly a lot longer."
silence. alfie felt your grip tighten.
"right," you nodded. "okay."
but it wasn't okay. not really. he knew that the second you walked out and went quiet.
"i'm so tired alfie," you whispered, pulliing him back. your voice wasn't loud anymore, just drained. "every month i think maybe this is it. i overthink everything, every little thing, and then it's just- nothing again."
he kept his arm around you, his hand moving slowly up and down your back. "yeah," he murmured. "i know."
you sniffed, wiping your face but more tears just came anyway. "i saw that video and i just-" you let out a shaky breath. "i want that so bad. i want a baby."
"i know you do."
"i've always wanted it," you said, voice wobbling again. "since i was little. i just wanna be a mum, alfie."
"and i know you want it too," you added quickly. "you'd be such a good dad aswell and i can't even-"
"oi," he cut in, pulling back slightly. "don't start that."
but you shook your head, crying again.
"i am though. i'm the reason it's not happening. i'm the reason you don't have a family and-"
"stop," he said, a bit firmer this time, and you went quiet.
he softened straight away, his hand coming up to your cheek.
"don't put that on yourself. that's not fair on you."
"but it's true-"
"no it's not," he said, shaking his head. "this isn't just on you, yeah?"
you didn't argue properly, just looked at him like you didn't fully believe it.
"i didn't choose you so you could give me a baby," he said. "i chose you 'cause you're you."
fresh tears, obviously.
"and yeah, i want one. course i do. with you. only you."
your breathing hitched.
"but i want you more."
that broke you again, quieter this time, and you folded into him.
"i feel like i'm failing," you whispered.
"you're not failing, love."
he kept holding you, hand moving slowly along your back.
"i just want our baby," you said quietly.
"yeah. i know."
"i want it to be easy."
"yeah.. same."
"what if it doesn't happen?"
he paused. "then we deal with that together."
you grip tightened.
"you're not doin' this on your own, yeah?'
you nodded.
"i'm sorry," you whispered.
"you're gonna have to stop sayin' that." he muttered, pressing a kiss to your head.
you'd gone quieter as time passed, just worn out, face tucked into his neck, your fingers holding onto his hoodie.
neither of you spoke.
the room was quiet apart from that stupid fucking video still playing softly in the background.
alfie's eyes flicked to your phone. he looked back at you, curled into him like you were holding yourself together by staying close.
then, without saying anything, he reached over, grabbed your phone, and locked it.
the room fell properly quiet this time. no baby, no music, no reminder.
he set the phone further away, then pulled you closer again, holding you a bit tighter.
"you're alright," he murmured. "i love you."
