#alexithymia problems

*writes Cornered

My evolving fic writing on Caine pre-ep-8: ok so this was a simulation that the company was actively working on, let’s derive angst from that

*writes the Aviary and It’s Only Read Only

My new conception of Caine now that we know none of this was intended to exist: HOLY CRAP THATS SO MUCH WORSE ISNT IT but I still wanna work on the middle one, my previous Caine?? Like I know I can do both but being tugged between the two and at the same time puzzling over why the sheer intensity of the canon dynamic doesn’t override the other one more.

Or maybe one isn’t strictly a lot more ‘intense’ than the other? Just different? Idk I don’t know these things.

Trying to write an introduction to the ‘simulating hot chocolate’ post I made a little while ago, because like the one about how autistic understimulation might have played a role in being deaf to their problems, which required some mods in POV to make sense as fic, that one is gonna need it as well.

IMG ID: excerpt that reads, mid-sentence,

exactly the way the humans do. We don't perceive time the same.

Humans describe things to me nowadays like time, stretching or going by faster, depending on their emotional state. This is fascinating, but since I can't peer directly into their mind files without at some level risking destabilization, I can't gain any insight into the mechanism behind this.

Brief periods or very small plucking don't appear to do any harm, but | have no idea how far I can go before that starts to be in play.

END IMG ID

Also not sure what to title it. It would be kind of funny to name it something as innocuous as “Hot Chocolate” given the depth of the subject matter, but maybe something like “What’s in Your Cup of Hot Chocolate?” Nah that sounds menacing, like he’s drugging them or smth.

“The Art of Speaking Liquid into Existence”

that’s almost right but seems even a little OTT. Esp with the Bible reference. What do you think?

Also kind of an issue that the entry wouldn’t be about how he did it, but rather how he feels about it.

Still, maybe workable.

I also can’t decide whether I’m going to include going into the natural question of, why didn’t he ever mention or try to take credit for creating all of this.

Obviously from a writer’s/Doylist perspective, it was merely withheld to be a twist, a subversion of expectations

But why would a (supposedly) egotistical man conceal this information for 2 decades.

I’m sure somebody could come up with a super compelling reason for doing so, but I’m coming up short.

usually i’m pretty okay with & prefer being in vcs with people who talk while i stay muted, and most of the time i just say that i “don’t really like talking in vcs” without elaborating on that too much but like. i’m gonna spend some time using tumblr as a way to put actual words to a lot of the deeper reasons for this feeling that i’m starting to notice! bc who am i if not a little autistic creature who wants to infodump to people except it’s a lot more comfortable to do so using a platform that feels more like a personal journal than a social media site!! i write all this for myself but i also want it to be in a space where other people can see it, relate to it, share their own experiences, etc.!

(and, with that mention of people sharing their own experiences, please feel free to reply to or reblog this with some of your own thoughts or experiences on this topic, because i’m genuinely curious how other people feel about this kind of thing!!)