#ahelluvahigh

The crowd cheers. Whether it was genuine or by a flashing prompt wasn't really the point. He continues, "Yep Duke Gusion. My brother. Stole my library idea too. Let me tell you first things, Katie, old Gus is too much of a space cadet to come up with that himself. He needs his fancy future-predicting book to tell him what to do. He doesn't even eat breakfast without it. No wonder his kids are insane."

"Insane you say? Like, unreasonable and spoiled or totally coo-coo?"

"Oh Athena is out of her mind." Dantalion responds. "She tried reading her old man's book the wrong way and it scrambled her brain. He's been trying to get rid of her without looking desperate ever since. Too bad half the single men in the Ars Goetia don't seem to be into girls."

"Oh really? You're hearing it here first folks, the royal balls are a regular sausage fest. Got any names, Dante? Can I call you Dante?"

"Sure thing. I'm no square like the rest of 'em. But names? Hooo boy there's too many to list. You already saw Stolas. That one's out of the bag. But let me just give you the cheat sheet. Pay attention to how many committed bachelors are spending a lot of time together."

"Well wait no longer, folks, because our crack investigative reporters have found some exclusive details to corroborate Dante's story. Have a look at THIS!" A photo of Prince Vassago and Marquis Andrealphus nearly hiding in a hallway and speaking quite close to each other was shown on a large screen. Gasps and catcalls from the audience erupted.

Dantalion leaned over to look up at the screen with a bemused look on his face. "Where'd you take this one, Katie? Ha, those crazy kids. I should have known!" Was it an act or was he genuinely surprised? It seemed up to the audience to decide. "Now speaking of Stolas again, I've got some fun details about that one too. There's a lot of details that didn't wind up making it to trail, you see."

"Oh we always suspected this was a cover up of something and not just the gross little bird holes of those two who were at that trial, weren't they?"

"We all saw the footage, Katie. What I want to show you is that imp who testified. See... that Blasto guy that Stolas was apparently going around with didn't hire the assassin. It was his wife." He let the crowd react again before continuing.

"It was an open secret they hated each other but Stella loved playing the wronged victim. BUT!" Dantalion raised a finger into the air, "Show off the next photo, would you?" The screen flickered to Stella particularly close with one of her party friends. "That is a low ranking schmuck named Julian and she's been fooling around with him for a long time."

"Affairs on top of affairs!" Katie remarked with a sneer. "Is that little daughter of theirs even his? Oh my goodness! How horrible for their little bloodlines, if true. Trust us."

"Yeah, someone should get on that." Dante responds before flipping back to another picture. "But enough about that. let's talk about Earl Raum!" The old crow was next up on display. "Not only did one of his daughters run away to live in the woods to live with a bunch of foxes, but he sabotaged the queen's baking to make himself look good once. Paimon's sister I think."

"Petty drama, illegitimate children and potential bestiality?" Katie responds. "How deep does the depravity go? And how long have you known about it?"

"Oh this has pretty much all been because of all those arranged marriages and no one knowing how to raise their damn kids." Dantalion responds, "I said it was a bad idea then and well we see where that went. And we're not even close to done. Pretty much all of them failed and it's always the daughters. Ready to go down the list?"

"Oh am I ever. Let's hear about some fucked up sexist parenting!"

"Let's go a bit of a...." He shoots fingerguns Katie's way as they spark. "Lighting round." The crowd laughs. Photos of the poor girls, most in their late teens or early adulthood were being flashed on screen as he went.

"Octavia, Stolas's kid. Once stole her old man's book and got lost in the middle of LA."

"Text 'Does Stolas Fuck' to #666News and place your bets on if you think he's the real father!"

"Theadora, Purson's youngest. Never got over her dead fiance and opened a coffee shop that's one part front for her old man's information network and one part refusal to move on; the coffee's not bad at least."

"If you don't mind spy flavor!"

"Elizabeth, granddaughter of King Baal. Looks way too much like her twin brother and I'm pretty sure they've been swapping places."

"If I looked like that, I'd pretend to be someone else, too."

"Coronis, Forenas's granddaughter, expect not really. Totally illegitimate and the folks covered it up."

"Until NOW!"

"And last but certainly not least... My brother's got a little secret of his own about how he messed up his kids." Dantalion then stands up. "And... I have an announcement! See, sometime after I was sealed away, it seems Gusion had another child. One he didn't want anyone to know about with someone in King Baal's family. It was so hush hush he forced Baal to sign a contract to never speak of it again. They're both forced to be cagey about it, but yours truly is the man on the case! You see, there was someone unidentified moved from Baal's properties to Gusion's with the kind of carriage you would use to transport a young lady with way back when. I still can't find out who or exactly when the kid was born but Gusion never in all our existence ever took in a woman for another reason. We know a kid was born because of a few little private intel sweeps of mine from old servants says so."

Dantalion stood firm on the stage and looked over the crowd and right at the camera. "We don't have a name, but they'd be around the age of all the other messed up hatchlings we have. I figure, if Gusion won't acknowledge who they are, then their dear old uncle Dante will. What I want out of YOU all is to find them!" The rings on his fingers, the necklace around him and several other gold adornments floated in front of him. From the back, Katie was rushing camera crews to get this shot just right.

"All of this and to boot, one privileged unrestricted day at Bibliotheca to the first person who brings this kid to my estate alive and in one piece! This is just a small handful of what I've got and the foribidden library of the Ars Goetia will teach you anything. I can make you wealthier and more powerful than anything you've ever imagined! Want to rival an overlord? A demon Prince!? To show I ain't jive talking you- I swear right here, right now, on my name as Archduke Dantalion of the Ars Goetia that I will make that happen if you succeed! I just showed you what the rest of the Ars Goetia are really hiding and that's just the stuff they won't kill me for showing! You can't trust them, but you can trust the news in front of you and you can trust ME. I haven't been settled into an entire generation of rot and hedonism! I'm from the days of true, real groovy Hell and when a demon makes a real promise, they are bound to keep it. I've already given you lot more than any other noble has."

"All you have to do, is find one lost bird. So get out there and do Hell's new best friend a solid."

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I want to thank everyone who submitted the gossip for the program and put their muses on the chopping block of Dantalion's public bashing. Find them below!

Vassago and Octavia @a-hell-of-a-time

Andrealphus @ahelluvahigh

Stella @infernal-matriarch

Julian @parsaeterna

Raum @fortiethkey

Theadora @alattesecrets