#ah;

@diversenet event 02: disability

Lili and I just started dating, of course we're not going to shut up about each other! And I will never shut up about her. She broke my heart when she told me she genuinely thought she was a mistake and would rather not be here, living. It hurt me so bad. She is so perfect and she doesn't even realize. I will spend my whole life getting her to see just how much of a light she is in this dark world. She's much like the sun in that aspect, because neither of them know how bright and beautiful they are, right?

I'm never going to stop loving her. She never was and NEVER will be a mistake. She had done some things in the past, sure. But we live and we learn and we grow from that. I just wish with all of my heart that I could take this pain and self doubt away from her. Until then, I'll just have to reassure her every day and show her just how much I love her. And I will never shut up about her, ever.

Lili told me today that I betrayed her trust in me. It all started when she told me she was jealous of Abby because she thought Abby was into me and she is very pretty and because we're so close. I figured it would he a good thing for them to both know the situation and maybe work it out but of course, that was a mistake. I was an idiot who should have talked to her first before letting someone know her vulnerabilites, especially the girl who it's about.

Then after that arguement was settled, she told me she was in love with me. I honestly was so in shock and so happy I asked if she really meant it, and that set her off again. She asked if I really thought she would be playing such a sick joke like that, but honestly it is nothing to do with her and all to do with my vulnerabilites when it comes to being close with someone. I was also kind of upset with her because she wouldn't see my feelings.

On top of it all, I relapsed. It's like I can't be good enough. I'm always doing something wrong no matter how hard I try.