#lr;

I promised Lili I was going to get out of the cartel. Of course I haven't been an active member in a while, but with the cartel, once you're in there really is no getting out. I set up a meeting to talk to a couple of the bosses and they weren't too happy, as I suspected. I knew they were probably going to rough me up a bit so I was prepared to defend myself. I never thought I would end up killing someone. At least now they know I mean it. I am through and they better not try and contact me again or I'll kill them off one by one. All Lili knows is that I came how with a black eye, a bloody lip and nose, and bruises all over my body.

What she doesn't know is that I also have murder on my hands now.

Lili and I just started dating, of course we're not going to shut up about each other! And I will never shut up about her. She broke my heart when she told me she genuinely thought she was a mistake and would rather not be here, living. It hurt me so bad. She is so perfect and she doesn't even realize. I will spend my whole life getting her to see just how much of a light she is in this dark world. She's much like the sun in that aspect, because neither of them know how bright and beautiful they are, right?

I'm never going to stop loving her. She never was and NEVER will be a mistake. She had done some things in the past, sure. But we live and we learn and we grow from that. I just wish with all of my heart that I could take this pain and self doubt away from her. Until then, I'll just have to reassure her every day and show her just how much I love her. And I will never shut up about her, ever.

Lili told me today that I betrayed her trust in me. It all started when she told me she was jealous of Abby because she thought Abby was into me and she is very pretty and because we're so close. I figured it would he a good thing for them to both know the situation and maybe work it out but of course, that was a mistake. I was an idiot who should have talked to her first before letting someone know her vulnerabilites, especially the girl who it's about.

Then after that arguement was settled, she told me she was in love with me. I honestly was so in shock and so happy I asked if she really meant it, and that set her off again. She asked if I really thought she would be playing such a sick joke like that, but honestly it is nothing to do with her and all to do with my vulnerabilites when it comes to being close with someone. I was also kind of upset with her because she wouldn't see my feelings.

On top of it all, I relapsed. It's like I can't be good enough. I'm always doing something wrong no matter how hard I try.

We’ve also been talking about our future together a lot. Marriage, kids, pets, and everything in between. We are loving each other so hard and with so much passion, I don’t want us to get burnt out. I don’t want her to wake up one day and be used to it and get tired of it all. 

I can’t lose her. I can’t lose my best friend. I can’t lose my lover. I’m going to change. I’m going to leave the cartel. I’m going to finally stop using. 

What I wasn't expecting was for her to say that she likes me. Via text. While I was flying to see her. It wasn't the way I had planned it would go. For the entire year I've known her and considered her my best friend, she said she had the same feelings I've had. I always thought I would be the one to say something, I never even knew she felt that way about me.