'Aged-out' autistic people offered Life with Joy | Andover Byram Stanhope NJ

'Aged-out' autistic people offered Life with Joy | Sparta NJ

My birthday has never had a great importance. In care sometimes it’s forgotten or not celebrated or just not cared about. So i’ve learned to not care so it doesn’t hurt when I celebrate it alone. I still had great years of birthdays. When I was 13 and 15 I had awesome families who made me feel super awesome on my birthday. When I was 13 I got to go to whoohoos and had this 3 layer cake all to myself. When I was 15 I was given my foster moms bracelet that was her moms. She had always wanted to give it to her daughter. I still can remember that moment because I really felt like I actually belonged to someone. After that I was really lucky to have had my birthday remembered let alone celebrated. I thought this birthday would be worse. Not having anyone remember it and sitting outside a bank cold and wet with no home. I couldn’t stop but be the grinch I was so negative into thinking how unlucky my birthday is. How birthdays just must be one of those holidays everyone lights on fire to be something great when it just highlights the biggest day of the year to just being horrible. 

But it wasn't... I celebrated with AWESOME new friends who made me feel super special! Thank you Soooo much Sierra and Sarah! By the time I got in town I was able to shower and get ready for a girls day. We went to olive garden, saw heaven's for real, had my free dutch bros, and explored the village! I found out that lush is coming to the village which is super awesome for Idaho! I just got to feel like a 20 year old with no problems for once! I actually forgot i'd have no place to go to until Sarah asked me what i'd do for the night. She was so generous and offered me her bed. Which, was nice not to stress about somewhere to sleep. 

I'm so independent it's really hard to ask for help. To ask for a place. To be okay and except a place. It's also my shyness i'm trying so hard to just outgrow. Sarah's family was so nice and they really are just sweet people. I was happy to be there and help out. It beat hanging around my foster moms any day! Although I think from sitting in the rain it brought out a ton of my allergies and thats been crazy to deal with. I don't have my inhaler and my allergies set off my asthma! So I just feel a little off and short of breathe! My foster mom kept texting me throughout sunday to just come home so we can talk. I told her if I was going to her house i'd need to spend the night. She texted me back that wasn't a problem. So I thought maybe we can again work things out for a few weeks. I really need a few weeks to figure out school. Once that's finished I don't care if I sleep on the road. Or in the shelter or a freaking dessert! 

Getting to the house I felt sick again. It gave me so much anxiety. I almost just backed out of it and asked Sarah to just stay again. She is moving to a new place though and has a lot going on. I pulled on my big girl panties and got in the house.

She was really quiet and looked bitter. I was scared that she found my blog or that my brother had shown up or something. I was actually scared of her for once. I sat on the couch and waited for her to talk to me. When her tv show was a commercial I asked her how her daughters was. she said good and shrugged. I figured she wasn't talkative and we could be peaceful so I Walked downstairs she had thrown my cloths from drawers to the floor, from my closet to the floor. She had taken my doll and tossed it on the pile like it was nothing. That doll has symbolized my every home, my every parent, my every hurt. My mother gave me that doll. It was already enough that she broke my vase. It's not like my doll was broken it's that she didn't care. I sat in the pile and just cried. I walked up stairs for water. Her mood completely changed once she had seen I had cried. She was happy like she had just achieved something she didn't ask why I was sad she didn't care. She never had. I hate when I cry! My face turns read my eyes look like they exploded and my eyes look glossy. And it doesn't go away for a while! 

Oh Goodness... It's been a long day! 

I feel like someone has cut my brain out of my head! Seriously it's like i'm walking comatosed. I can't remember anything for the life of me or I just can't focus! It was awful trying to read english essays for over an hour i'd read it and have to reread it and then read it again! Finally getting to class it was the first time my favorite class felt as if it was never going to end. It's probably because we were talking about suicide. I still was so spaced out even in class. I can't believe I never emailed her my paper. I feel like a horrible slacker. Yesterday I got my sociology paper done two hrs before class -_- This just isn't me, I'm usually better focused on school! 

Talking to Tona helped... it always does. She reassured me that it was okay to let some of these papers slip and accept the C or D. At least it's done. She is talking to her friend about a place I could stay. In exchange I would have to clean. She acted like I'd refuse it, but i'm so up for anything thats a home. At this point I could settle for a cardboard box. I'm tired of being scared of what place I have next. Oh theres also this thing called couch surfing where I actually saw some of my class mates as hosts. I don't know how I feel on it but theres some pretty cool people offering a room or couch to travelers. I planned on meeting up with a friend today to sorta beg her for a place. Plans went south when I was so stupid and got on the WRONG bus! I was emailing Tona back and was unfocused and went with the flow of the bus line... I ended in Caldwell instead of downtown. I wouldn't be able to get downtown for 3 hours which by then the coffee shops would be closed. Looking at when i'd get home would be 6 AM it was only 5 PM! AHHHH!!! Thankfully Tara came and saved me getting lost along the way! Hahah but it was a great night. I needed some friends laughs and stories.