#adhd actually

   My brother wrote to me about his late summer garden.

We have lots of herbs, and a bell pepper plant which is working diligently on its second pepper. It reminds me of a procrastinating student ("Oh yeah, I forgot I was supposed to make peppers, I've been really stressed and have a lot going on, can I have an extension on that?")

   So now my new favorite mantra for days when executive function is difficult is:

   procrastinating pepper procrastinating pepper procrastinating pepper . . .

my name is Hallee. I’m an avid journaler, musician, birthworker, and collector of little things. I have ADHD (diagnosed at age 25) and like most of us my passions are many — I can weave, mend, knit a little, crochet an even smaller little, and right now I’m enjoying making dolls out of whatever I have around. I’m not a master of many things but I really, really enjoy dabbling in whatever I happen to find.

I live in a tiny cabin in the Maine woods, which we’ve been building (slow as molasses) for at least 5 or 6 years now. it has been grueling at times, but it is a wonderful place to be.

I live there with my husband and our son, both of whom regularly stun me with their goodness. my husband, Logan, is an ecologist and wildlife photographer. his work takes him all over the state in the warmer months, where he takes beautiful photos and writes beautiful things, all the while doing research that informs bird conservation. our son goes everywhere with us — up mountains, long camping trips, rainy walks in the woods. he’s an all-weather tot.

here are our actual faces—though you get a better sense of who we are in the other photos 😅

we both grew up in gardening families, but over the last few years we’ve been striving to learn more and more about growing our own food. we get a little better each year and it brings us tremendous joy.

these are pieces of my life — the good pieces. and they are so good. we are so fortunate! and yet, if you’re caught comparing or you’re deep in scrolling paralysis, please remember that they are just pieces. there is worry, pain, isolation, all the strife that comes with needing money, needing sleep, needing help. there are “unaesthetic” things just to either side of what my iPhone camera captures. this is me, but not all of me. it isn’t dishonesty that keeps the rest of me at bay so much as it is my desire to keep it all safe and sound.

I want to share the things I find beautiful in my life. I talk a lot about grief and the struggles that come with being neurodivergent, though I do like to focus largely on the wonderful, the sweet, the sacred. but not at the cost of anyone else’s peace.

and that’s on being paranoid of perpetuating harmful social media cycles.

so welcome, all the new followers (who are probably regretting their decision and on their way to reversing it), and thank you for liking anything I have to say. that alone means everything to me. I feel more connected because of you, even if to you it isn’t that deep. I read every tag, caption & reply you contribute to my posts and it makes me glad as hell.

{this post is not a happy one y’all. If you don’t feel like listening to me being all in my feels rn, just keep scrolling and ignore this please. Btw idk if that sounded passive aggressive just then, but I’m just putting that out there so anyone who doesn’t need negativity in their lives rn can pass this without it affecting them, bc I know I feel that way sometimes}

At this point in my life, I’m supposed to be going to school, figuring out my life, meeting new people, moving out, growing up, etc.  But I just feel like I’m totally lost on what to do with myself since there’s no one around me that I can really look to as an example or a leader.

My adhd scares me so much and I hate how much it rules over my life.

Instead of getting to move into dorms and have a normal college life, my fear of being constantly overstimulated and getting panic attacks has kept me at home with my family. And don’t get me wrong, I love my family and this was definitely better financially, but I just feel like I’ve missed out on so much because of it.

Right now I’m watching all of my friends move out, meet new people, and pursue degrees and careers they have confidence they can fulfill because they don’t have to worry about the limitations set on them with a disability like adhd. 

To be honest, I’ve known this was coming, and have been bracing myself for it for a while now. I also know that everyone struggles and that my life could be a lot worse. I shouldn’t be divulging in self pity so much, but it’s so hard to stop the problems and limitations caused by adhd from getting to me.

I’m trying to figure out what career I should pursue, but I have no idea what to do since I’m scared of how my adhd/anxiety could inhibit my future. Maybe if I choose a certain career path, I’m going to screw myself over because it’s not going to mix well with my mental conditions. What am I gonna do then? Won’t it be too late? It’s not like I can easily just go back to school and start over.

I always feel so alone. There’s no one I can talk to about this because not only do I want to upset anyone I know with my own unhappiness, but also because they just literally don’t get it. It’s totally not their fault, but there’s no way to make a connection with the people around me on this since they don’t understand what it’s like to have adhd.

I’ve gained like 20 lbs. in the last ~2 years because I stress eat. The difference between my body’s health and condition during the school year vs. during the summer shocks me every time school ends and I improve again. I see how much damage the stress of adhd does to my body since I have to work so hard to prevent my adhd from holding me back in school.

I had to become a part time student at school this semester (which is bad bc I’m a scholarship student and I was never supposed to do that in the first place) because I couldn’t take the work load of school. I was literally getting no sleep and was physically and mentally exhausted. Not to mention the fact that I need to work part time if I want to make enough money to move out. I’m scared for this upcoming semester since I have to go back to being full time and work my part time job at the same time. I don’t know how badly the extra work is going to affect my health.

I don’t want to be sad, scared, lonely, and insecure anymore. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to know I have control over my life, but I don’t know how to do that.

Sorry this is a giant wall of text and it’s super all over the place. My mind is just kind of a mess right now and I’m really frustrated and tired.

Thank you SO MUCH to anyone who actually reads this whole thing. I don’t deserve that. I’m open to hearing your advice. Lol if you couldn’t already tell, I’m kind of at wits end here.

when you make suggestions like “being on time is easy, just leave earlier!” you are demonstrating a complete lack of awareness of what your neurodivergent loved ones are struggling with on a minutely basis.

let’s say there are two classrooms tasked with building a simple box.

Classroom A has been given a hammer, some nails, and the wood they will need, measured and cut. they get to work right away to make the box.

Classroom B is looks over what they’ve been given to make their box. nails, some boards, and a handsaw. before they get started, they have to find a rock, something to drive the nails. then they look for a ruler to measure out the wood with, but they’re running out of time, so they use familiar objects like pens and notebooks to try to line things up. none of them have ever used a handsaw before, so it’s not the cleanest cut. the only rocks they were able to find are round, but they manage to get the crooked, bent nails into the wood. in at least twice the time, they have a wooden box.

Classroom A’s box is pretty decent. they may not have done it much before, and it might show, but all in all a job well done.

Classroom B’s doesn’t look the same as A’s. there are dirt marks and depressions in the wood from the rocks missing the nails. there are spots where the wood overlaps, gaps where wood should be, from the angle not being quite right. still, it’s a box.

imagine looking at the imperfections of Classroom B’s box and asking “why would you not just use a hammer?”

please think twice before asking us to work with tools we don’t have.

if it were as simple as just using a hammer, we would’ve used to the hammer. we often have to improvise. sometimes we pull it off, and other times we don’t.