#addlife

My phone knows me too well

I vocal stim a lot. I mean a LOT. Or I used to. An old friend I rarely talk to anymore —and who I used to live with so she knew my stims even if she didn’t know that’s what they were— pointed out that I didn’t “make my happy sound anymore.” And that she missed it.

The truth is I wasn’t happy around her anymore. Like I said, we rarely talk now. I know my new normal state of mind is pretty depressed. I barely talk at all anymore. The only stimming I’ve been doing is self soothing —rocking, hugging myself, I’ve even started sucking my thumb again.

Today was a really good day compared to others and I was humming and remembered my old favorite stim. So I tried it but it wasn’t the same. I’ve been trying since she pointed it out two weeks ago. I tried all my sounds. And none of them feel like a stim at all.

Needing to sleep so bad your body is screaming at you to let it rest. Your eyes are heavy and burning, your head pounding, sending spikes of pain into your eyes. Your muscles literally ache, your limbs too heavy to move but too pained to be still. Your joints throb, your stomach cramps, your body weighs much more than it had hours ago.

And now it’s finished.