#adderrall

I started on adderral yesterday. It was really really good. I got more work done on my grant than I did in the last 3 weeks. I was more productive than I was the last 3 weeks. There were some side effects. I’m twitchier, and I had a harder time falling asleep than usual. But I’ll take that side effect. I’ll take that over not being able to get started on a thing that I know is relatively easy, or not being able to start on a thing that feels too hard in the wrong way. I’ll take that over procrastinating on every damn thing in my life and feeling guilty about it and then feeling anxious about not getting it done on time and then feeling depressed about how I’m worthless because i can’t get shit done. I needed this. I absolutely needed this. I’m smart, and I’m glad that my ability to get shit done finally reflects the quality of work I am capable of.

Yet despite the overwhelming evidence that I needed adderral - my diagnosis, how effective it has been for me after even just 2 doses, I feel a profound sense of guilt. I feel like I’m just one of those hypochondriacs and gomers who are just taking adderral to get ahead of everyone. I feel like I’m succumbing to peer pressure and the need to get ahead. I feel like I’m cheating. And I know that if adderral abuse isn’t so rampant in these top-tier ivy schools, I wouldn’t feel this way. If I didn’t know that so many of my peers use adderral, if I didn’t hear first-hand about my classmate using adderral “recreationally”, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about it.

I’m angry. I’m angry that so many of my peers are using this. I’m angry that it feels like I’ve been doubly hindered compared with my peers - first by my disorder and then by others using drugs that are supposed to help me to help themselves get ahead. I’m angry that because of this widespread use, there’s this stereotype and stigma about using drugs that are meant to help people like me. I’m angry that I still feel so guilty and so fake because of this stigma. I’m upset.