#actualizing

We're popping the biggest bottles when Woody Allen gets ripped apart by a pack of wild dogs

the hubris of planning something you could never finish. . jackson pollock painting writing with no audience in mind . a theoretical outcome in your head something perfectly planned a collesium in your mind . reading writing with no audience theological, thomas aquinas . Hume, Kant, Niche big names controversial prononciations . writing with no clear target writing like sprinting . writing like it's their job because they're life depended on it. . can't become a blacksmith now. . Outlining your thoughts to build a real story. . . Building something actually impressive. . not to impress others but to leave an impression . something people might actually read. . something not like this . "at least have characters in it" said john. . "at least have a dialogue" said mitch. . at least spell shit right and format it In some recognizable way. Make it look nice. quoth the raven . I haven't even shared my feelings yet, feeling my therapist not seeing any progress. . everything feels cold I guess. I feel like a useless meat sack. . I feel like I could lose 20 pounds . I feel like eating taco bell and candy right now. . how is it that I quit drinking and smoking and i'm still unhealthy. . I was healthier when I was unhealthy. . I feel like i'm pushing the pendulum in the wrong direction. . It's swaying toward me. a grandfather clock pendulum keeping track of time. back and forth predictable motion. not wanting it to go the backwards way of me having cravings and depression. . how do I fight this and just let these negative feelings hit me. how does writing about feelings and giving them a name help me. like naming my demons. This cute guy is called lucifer. every two days I want candy and taco bell. once the pedulum is done swinging, i'll workout and lose 20 pounds in 5 days, but . then the pendulum, my grandfather clock having this maximum sway. Lucifer swinging back again. My lineman mental fortitude not ready for this backwards motion of lucifer now. . dont go this way pendulum. If I have cravings then I lose. . "I dont have cravings, I dont even know what you're talking about. " Ineffective ways of hiding from lucifer might as well give myself a soft landing , but, not wanting to wake up with guilt. . not knowing how i'll wake up anyway, maybe it won't have mattered. my future self will thank me, but i've never met them yet . . Idk if I ever do, i'm always stuck in the present as far as I know. . maybe people are ascending and having these relationships with future versions of themselves, but I digress. . I guess structure and discipline aren't really my thing yet. . tiny staircases with tiny steps going nowhere