#actor problems

Fandom Problem #5551:

for background info, I got promoted by our new director to Tech Director so I am in charge of all the tech for our production. Cool, right? Wrong.

So many actors are trying to pitch me ideas for stuff that just WON'T WORK either due to our budget, amount of people needed or my mental health, or sometimes the fun ones, ALL THREE REASONS!!!

Had a small argument this evening over text because an actor wanted us to project a LIVE SCREEN RECORDING of THE ACTORS TEXTING.

First of all, no matter how fast you think you type, it is NOT going to be fast enough for the attention spans of our audience members.

Second, last time I checked it's really weird to connect a phone to a projector. There could also be lag and delay through Bluetooth.

So I told them why we couldn't do it, and for some reason according to them I was "really mean and shooting down their ideas so quickly"

I told them that it's my job to tell them if stuff doesn't and can't work, but they seem to love to paint me as some mean dictator.

Whenever someone asks me about the stupidest thing that has ever happened in my theatre I tell them this story. This right here is a story about why two show days are the work of the devil or some evil theatre gremlin.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Me: a lowly stagehand and dresser Mel: The fabulous wardrobe woman SM: The VERY PREGNANT stage manager whose body was filled with so much sass and sarcasm I’m surprised a baby could fit in there DC: The director and dance coordinator THE FUCKING ACTOR: who by the end of the show run we all wanted to push down the fucking stairs. 

Off to the side was the amazing ASM, the rest of the stagehands, and the actors who weren’t complete and total shitstains

The Scene of this story. The second act of the musical. The stage decked out with moving carts, platforms and so much glitter it would have made Liberace proud (No Liberace was not the show we were performing. We actually did that show the next season)

also please note that this wasn’t early on into the production this happened well into the run of the show. 

In the final scene before the ending big musical number, my job was to push in a rolling cart that held the apartment set. During tech, DC told the actors “hey I know you're running around before this scene but make sure you don’t end up in this ‘waves his arms’ area. Because the apartment carts are rolling in and it’s your job to watch out for them. Not the run crews”  This is honestly why I loved this man.  Now during the course of the run, the actors all pretty much stuck to what DC told them. Of course, we had other problems, especially with THE FUCKING ACTOR. who kept using prop napkins to wipe the sweat off his face no matter how many handkerchiefs we stuffed in his pockets for that specific purpose!

SO in the morning production of this show during that pivotal scene, I get my cue to push in the rolling cart and LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD. THAT FUCKING ACTOR is in my damn way.  Like an improperly placed piece of furniture, you always wack your damn leg into. Apparently, during this morning production, he didn’t feel like running around the stage like the rest of them and just sorta stood there. Now the lights are still down I still have time to get my cart to its spike point so I Pull back the cart a little and sort of nudge him with the cart a little bit to let him know. We still had a couple seconds he could have still taken ONE DAMN STEP FORWARD.

BUT FUCKING NOPE he just stood there like a video game NPC glitch.

The lights came up and my cart was about a 3 and a half feet off its spike mark. Which of course SM noticed right away and when she calmly asked me why in frick fracks name was my cart two feet of its spike. I took no time at all to throw the fucking actor to the Pregnant sarcastic lion. Which is when SM started cursing up a storm.  regardless we got to the end of the show with all the glitter and pizazz that was required of it.

now over the course of the break between shows. We the lowly stagehands swept, swept again (Lot of fucking glitter), and mopped the stage. SM came to me and in her wisdom, she used these exact words

"That ass of a man knows better then to stand there so if the fucking actor is in the way of your cart. RUN HIM THE FUCK OVER. HIT HIM WITH IT IF YOU HAVE TO"

Now some of you with that may be guessing where this story is going. Yet I continue

The show opens for the evening performance. There’s glitter and singing and some homophobic lady in the audience who clearly did not read the show's synopsis and hasn’t cracked a smile since the first drag queen sashayed across the stage...

We get to the big scene and there I was keeping an eye out and there was the fucking actor....YOU GUESSED IT...STANDING IN MY FUCKING WAY AGAIN.

So I in my innocent wisdom did exactly what SM told me to do. I pushed that cart with all my weight onto the stage (I Admit, I did this with a large amount of glee.) Now I am an average sized women. The fucking actor is VERY LARGE MAN.

 You can probably guess how this interaction ended.