Before we get started on how manipulation works we needs to understand who frequently uses manipulation.

What is psychological manipulation?

A type of social influence that aims to change the behavior or perception of others through abusive, deceptive, or underhanded tactics.By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at another's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative, abusive, devious, and deceptive. 

To explain it in a plainer way, psychological manipulation is making you to do what I want you to do, making you to feel the emotions I want you to feel. I don’t care about how fucked up the means are, and the ends usually benefit me.

As a result, it’s really important to distinguish healthy social influence (which respects the right of the influenced to accept or reject it) between psychological manipulation (underhanded and usually coercive)

Who usually engages in psychological manipulation?

First I want to stress that a personality disorder is a maladaptive fixed long-term behavioral pattern, so don’t worry if you occasionally behave like one or two categories mentioned below. It’s normal. Plus, official diagnosis of those mentioned above can only be made if the person is above 18 years old (shoutout to all edgy teens on tumblr). Although you can use self-reports, they can be inaccurate due to personal bias, and only a professional (e.g. certified psychiatrist) can give out the diagnosis. (So you can see why I’m not assorting respective characters in Ace Attorney to medical conditions mentioned below) 

According to Jernberg, antisocial, borderline, and narcissistic personality disorders are all organized at a borderline level of personality organization, and the three share some common characterological deficits and overlapping personality traits, with deceitfulness and exceptional manipulative abilities being the most common traits among the three.

Sociopaths, borderlines, and narcissists are often pathological liars.Other shared traits include pathological narcissism,consistent irresponsibility, machiavellianism, lack of empathy, cruelty, meanness, impulsivity, proneness to self-harm and addictions, interpersonal exploitation, hostility, anger and rage, vanity, emotional instability, rejection sensitivity, perfectionism, and the use of primitive defense mechanisms that are pathological and narcissistic. 

A sociopath (or a psychopath, usually referred as someone with antisocial personality disorder. Although there is still some controversy over the distinction among these three, I’m just going to use ‘psychopath’ as the term) is basically a person who has no affective empathy; exploitation is a primary means of relating to others. Irresponsible, impulsive, manipulative, deceitful, hostile, and callous. [below is excerpted from DSM IV-TR]

failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;

deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;

impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;

irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;

reckless disregard for safety of self or others;

consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;

lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Borderline personality disorder is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions. There is often frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, self-harm, and an extreme fear of abandonment. [Source: Wikipedia]

Markedly disturbed sense of identity

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions to such

Splitting ("black-and-white" thinking)

Impulsivity and impulsive or dangerous behaviours

Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation

Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships

Self-damaging behavior

Distorted self-image

Dissociation

Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage

Persons with Narcissistic Personality Disorder [according to DSM-V] usually display some or all of the following symptoms, typically without the commensurate qualities or accomplishments [Source: Wikipedia]:

Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people

Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.

Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions

Needing continual admiration from others

Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others

Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain

Unwilling to empathize with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people

Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them

Pompous and arrogant demeanor

TL;DR version of all three, in my words, a psychopath is a heartless outcast, your stereotypical villain/murderer, who thinks killing a person is no different from cutting carrots and will happily do it within a second; a borderline is needy, moody, insecure, who will threaten to kill themselves if they somehow think you will abandon them; a narcissist is someone controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others' views, unaware of others' needs and the effects of their behavior on others, and insist that others see them as they wish to be seen.

Why I write this long post?

I’m not saying all manipulators are these three kinds of people. There is indeed controversies regarding the classifications (for example, narcissism or psychopathy should be on a continuum instead of being categorized). I’m not saying you should be suspicious or hypervigilant of every single person. I’m not saying people are inherently bad, because each disorder only affect about 2% of the population. I’m helping you to trust/mistrust wisely and give your kindness to the people who deserves it.

1. I’m just saying if you find someone who exhibits some of these traits you should be cautious and don’t give them too mush trust/responsibility, or expect to be manipulated. If you are already with an abuser, then I encourage you to use the no contact rule or grey rock method to disengage from them. 

Why I’m telling you all this instead of simply stating “Leave toxic people”? Because a single simple statement didn’t give any actionable advice! Did every bad guy walk with a paper says“I am a bad guy” on the forehead? Of course not! 

2. Knowing the true colors of a manipulator can help you to effectively establish boundaries regardless of their words (glibness and superficial charm), promises (which will never be fulfilled) or innocent appearance (classic gas lighting technique). If they crossed your personal boundaries consciously and continue to manipulate you, burn the bridge. You know who they are and do not expect to change/heal them like in the movies (Psychopathy is, to a certain extent, a neurological disorder which caused their empathy deficit. The heritability of BPD has been estimated at 40%. NPD is notorious with their abusive relationship dynamics with the codependents )

3. If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. If you became too conscious of the viciousness of the three personality disorders and buy into the victim mindset, exaggerating the other’s wrongdoings and labeling them as personality disordered, Congratulations on the start to becoming a narcissist! I mean, be a healthy skeptic. 

First of all @ the several people sharing experiences with wake-up lights and related topics, I appreciate you but waking up is literally not a drama for me, I'm decently good at waking up, I'm not looking to hack this particular piece of my life right now. I'm sure there's small gains to be had but in my case I can't see it being worth the effort unless the intervention is literally like zero-effort zero-cost! But thank you I love you all very much

@toasthaste:

it's a bit more people-centric so it might be too much to start out with but the one main hobby i know you do have is reading, maybe a local book club? I've only been to one meeting of one (gay) and the book kinda sucked but the process of everyone being very delicate about that and then realizing everyone else ALSO thought the book kinda sucked and then letting loose was really memorably fun.

There's a book club I've tried going to I think 3 times over the years and never had a great time with, although conceivably a smaller one would be better because there were like 25ish people each time at that one, I should maybe look what other ones are happening.

i guess there's also running groups? and i bet the endorphins and stuff you get from running could actually hijack you in useful ways, make socializing temporarily less scary.....

I actually keep meaning to attend the weekly gay running group in town and then getting too scared or drained to do it. Hm...

@robustcornhusk:

if you cook / have to store food a lot, and aren't averse to plastic, so-called deli containers are some of the best storage containers i've found. one lid! they stack neatly! easy to buy extra of just one size! like mason jars, except actually convenient instead of merely aesthetic. sometimes when you're cooking, you're going to say "damn, i wish i had a second ___". if it's small and cheap, get a second ___. 7 sets of measuring spoons, sorted by size into a nail polish organizer. 9 little spatulas! 5 metal mixing bowls! 6 half-sheet pans! 8 quarter-sheet pans! ... 7 kitchen scales (they each have a purpose). specifically small things, or where N of them takes up barely more room than 1 of them

Hmm yeah the deli container thing sounds legit, I will probably do that one. My cooking is rarely ambitious enough for me to frequently wish I had a second blank but I do feel like I've had that thought occasionally, I just can't remember what objects I had it about... I'll try to pay attention next time it happens

@embrassant-le-ciel:

Moisturizing your skin is worth it! If the texture isn't a nightmare to you, use a body oil (or wet-skin lotion) after washing while your skin is still wet and then towel off. A facial moisturizer with some sun protection factor is also a good idea!

Yeah this sounds nice actually, I moisturize my hands but nothing else, curious to see how a whole body thing feels :o

Pay attention to what brings a genuine smile or laugh to you during the course of any given day. It is very easy to recall our struggles, but takes active work to cement the bounteous mirthful moments life has to offer. Acknowledge them when they float on by. Maybe even write down the ones that you want to hold on to.

I try to be like this! Except the writing it down part. Man I wish I could figure out what enabled me to successfully keep a daily diary for those few months last year, it's such a powerful habit. Honestly it's probably just that the writing-producing part of my mind got redirected towards tumblr posts and didn't leave room for anything else. Which I mean blogging is better than journaling so I endorse the trade-off if that's what it is, but it's not better in every way! And this is a thing notebooks are better for

Make sure you know where to find all of your most important documents, personal, financial, and prized, and make photocopies if you can. Keeping them all together in a (preferably fireproof) container or other secure storage location is perhaps the best practical advice I could actually give. Bureaucracy is so hard to deal with after disaster.

@caprice-nisei-enjoyer:

1. Buy three phone chargers: one each for home, work, and travel 2. Use a password manager if you don't already. Share the master password with someone you trust in case of emergency 3. Schedule a reblog of this post for a year from now, when people will have fresh ideas

Charger thing is sensible. I guess I should use probably use a password manager, it feels spookily eggs-in-basketty though, but then I don't actually know the first thing about it. I don't think I have anyone it wouldn't be weird to give my password to. The reblog for next year is now scheduled!

@native-to-entropy:

Get a salt grinder, not a salt shaker. Bigger crunchier pieces of salt on food, especially on eggs, adds to the overall experience If you haven't had it before, bread machine bread is better quality than you might think. And you can load the ingredients before going to work and set a timer so that the bread is done and warm when you get home I recommend keeping a carabiner of useful things clipped to your keys. I keep bus fare, painkillers, instant coffee, and Gatorade powder clipped to my house keys, so if I'm out of the house I have the essentials no matter what You can grow green onions in a pot on your windowsill by planting the ends of grocery store green onions in soil Dried mushrooms are good in instant ramen. And they rehydrate while the ramen cooks Download songs from youtube and such using cobalt.tools. it's my favorite mp3 maker

This is a lot and sadly I can't use most of it I don't think!

salt grinder, I will try

bread machine, my home is extremely poor-in-space and my kitchen has no room for inessential medium-sized objects. possibly in the future when I have become prosperous

carabiner, I could maybe be convinced but idk what I'd put on it and your list of objects doesn't tempt me (currently I keep my keys inside my wallet which is probably unsafe but ehhh)

I'm not much of a green onion user and I'm skeptical that much of anything would grow in my frosted kitchen window that gets very little sun

dried mushrooms sounds good

I have no use for mp3s I don't think

@medlinka:

When cornering on a mountain bike, brake before the corner, look through the turn, and shift your weight to the outside. This is good advice that I’ve used a lot in the past several years.

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