#acquainted

The state between being fully asleep and fully awake was the state you always felt yourself at your most vulnerable. It was the moment you nuzzled in closer to the warm, sweet smelling body of the man who laid beside you, of the man who had been laying beside you every chance he got since he declared you his girl, for a sense of comfort that nothing else in life would offer you. 

From the first night you spent together, until now, there was not a night that went by without the both of you falling asleep together in some way. Hotels around the world had become your makeshift homes, and when life got in the way of you two spending the night in person together, whether it was because Lewis had work of a different kind or you did, you would fall asleep on FaceTime, using that as a comfort until you could be together in person once again.

No matter where you were, no matter what attempted to get in the way, neither one of you could sleep without the other present. It was as if the others' attention, and presence, was now a necessity for survival, something mutually agreed upon, but never spoken about.

Lewis preferred to be the big spoon to your little, but more often than not you got your own way. With a leg draped over his, your arm wrapped across his waist, you would fall into the most peaceful sleep with his scent engulfing your nostrils and the soothing sounds of his soft snores lulling you to sleep. 

“Good Morning sweetie.” 

Lewis’ morning voice was your favourite. Husky yet still kind, like a warm hug , it was so much more preferable to the sounds of any alarm. He always made the first move to wake you properly, already knowing you weren’t asleep; if it was down to you, neither one of you would leave the bed for hours, if at all.

“Morning, what time is it?” 

“9, we better get showered soon, the car will be here to pick us up for the airport in an hour.” 

You had avoided the conversation for as long as possible, spending the days leading up to the departure with Lewis but not being brave enough to mention it once, yet it hung heavy like the darkest cloud over your head the whole time; how could you tell Lewis that you were not going with him to Monaco?

The steam from the shower smothered the air of the bathroom, Lewis kept you under the warm water so you would never get cold, a sacrifice he always made in the shower with you. 

It was almost magic, the way that Lewis’ lips kept your mind free from any worry, or any thoughts at all really, as he kissed you. The moment they lifted, and began to dance down your neck, then your chest, you were reminded once again of exactly what hung over you, a confession that was now almost choking you as it built with anticipation of the worst kind. 

“I have so much planned for us over the next few days.” 

Lewis spoke between kisses akin to love making against every inch of your skin that he could reach as he moved down your body, drawn towards the tingle that grew stronger at your core, the closer he got to meeting it.

“I can’t wait to show you my world…”

“Lewis, I-“

You struggled to interrupt his excitement, knowing that you couldn’t keep up the facade any longer, knowing that the dark cloud of his disappointment that hung over you, had to burst now, otherwise the storm it produced would be fatal. 

“My home…my friends…I want to show you everything.” 

As if perfectly timed with the moment his kiss met your now throbbing nub of desire, you finally managed to blurt the words that you had been mingling over for days now. 

“I’m not going to Monaco!” 

He didn’t immediately jump up like you imagined, there was a pause as he took the words in, his breath was ever present against your sweet spot until he had fully registered exactly what you said. 

“Why not?” 

Lewis was calm, but you were certain that if the sounds of the water beating down on your bodies hadn’t muffled it, you would have heard his heart beating at a hundred miles per hour as the anger filled adrenaline soared through his body. 

“I thought I would take the weekend off…”

That wasn’t the reason of course, but the reason wasn’t something you ever wanted to share. Sometimes a little white lie is a lot kinder on a person, and whilst you could justify it by saying you were looking out for Lewis’ feelings in this situation, the truth was the lie was completely to protect yours. 

“And you chose the weekend we had been planning on making things official to the world to do that?” 

Lewis didn’t wait for your answer, he gave you a look of disappointment before he turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, leaving you in the cold for the very first time. 

Never had you understood the phrase ‘the silence was deafening’ more than the minutes you spent getting ready whilst Lewis actively avoided you in what was now an uncomfortably small hotel room. You wanted him to scream at you, you needed him to shout, you would have taken any form of communication in that moment, anything was better than how loud the silence was. 

His phone rang to signify his car was waiting for him outside. You stood in the spot you had been in the whole time, watching him pick up his bags and his phone before he moved towards the door without so much as a glance back at you. 

“Are you…are you not even going to say goodbye?” 

Lewis stopped moving, but stayed facing the door for a few seconds, before turning to look at you with a look that said so much more than his lips would ever allow; the disappointment was written all over his face. 

“Goodbye.” 

“Lewis, please…can we talk?” 

“What’s there to say? You lied to me when you told me you wanted this relationship to be public but now that I know you don’t, well…goodbye.” 

Never did you imagine you would see Lewis leave you, but he did. Without hesitation, he walked out of the hotel room and almost certainly your life too; you were stunned by just how easy it was for him. A relationship that had brewed over countless months, in many different countries, finished within a few minutes, like it had meant nothing at all. 

You fell to the bed and sobbed harder than you had done since you were a child. The pain in your stomach was unbearable as the sense of loss crashed down on you , crushing you with the realisation that your insecurities had won yet again, and this time the price you paid was bigger than anything that had come before it. 

Living with a loss is always difficult, it was made a hundred times harder by trying to live with the loss of someone who’s fame transcended their sport and so was thrusted into your view even when you tried your hardest to actively avoid anything to do with Lewis; he was inevitable. 

You scrolled through your Instagram feed, that of the account you kept personal and separate to your career yet despite your best efforts, a suggested post was spotlighted just to make sure that there wasn’t even a remote chance of you being anything but completely devastated that night.

“Lewis cosies up to two girls at after party in Monaco” 

You had already known that the post race after party in Monaco was wild, you had been to a few yourself. It was a chance for the drivers to let loose, to enjoy themselves, in a country so private, and one the majority lived in, it was inevitable; what wasn’t inevitable, however, was you having to face that reality after free practice, of all things. Somehow, the insignificance of that particular scenario made the sting a little sharper.  

Against all of your better judgement you stared at the picture of him standing uncomfortably close to the women, both of them had the kind of smile on their faces that sickened you, Lewis’ charm was clearly in full swing, yet his smile was even worse; you had seen it yourself, many times before, you knew that it meant.

As selfish as you knew it was, you hated the fact that whilst you mourned the insurmountable loss of your relationship, he had done the exact opposite; found himself inside of the next woman, replacing you in a heartbeat, like nothing you shared had even mattered. 

Your grief lingered for only an hour or so more before it turned into a rage that burnt deep inside of you. That transition was helped by the fact that through your tear filled, pathetic eyes, you had tried to call Lewis, multiple times, and not only had he ignored your call, he had cut it off, cancelled your attempt at contact as fast as he had cancelled your relationship. 

The giggle you let out was uncontrollable, it was one built from grief but moulded by anger. Lewis could avoid you easily at the other end of a phone, but your job aligning perfectly with his, made it impossible for him to do that in person, even if he really wanted to. 

Qualifying had started by the time you made it to Monaco, but that was insignificant, never in your life had you cared less about anything to do with racing, your mind was fully focused on making it to track before it finished, and you pulled every string, used up any favours you had, to make it to the media pen just before the end of Q3, finally catching your breath as Lewis made his way out of the Mercedes garage and towards where he would be faced with the inevitability of an interview with the woman he had just left. 

As you interviewed Charles, the pole sitter, you watched Lewis move around the pen, from journalist to journalist, getting closer and closer to you, he just didn’t know it yet. You almost envied his ignorance to the moment, he was carefree whilst rage burnt inside of you, washed out a little by nerves.

“What…”

The shock was evident all over his face. You were the last person he expected to see today, but you didn’t let him linger in it for very long. You had a job to do after all; today's job was making his ability to shut you out impossible, a job you were currently excelling at. 

“Hi Lewis, can you tell us a little about how the car felt during qualifying.” 

He didn’t respond straight away, instead he was distracted by the questions he had in his head, yet couldn’t let out on live television. His eyes were searching for answers in yours, as he held your gaze until you broke first and looked away. 

“She was…she was difficult…” 

Lewis began with so few words, but even so, you knew he was going to give as good as he got in this interview; just as he once told you, you can always try and take control but his power was inescapable. 

“I tried my hardest…you know, she just didn’t want to play ball. It’s hard, when you see potential in something you have put so much time and effort into over the past few months, and no matter how hard you try, your efforts are not rewarded.” 

“Maybe your expectations of her…of the car, are too high for what she’s ready for?”

Lewis was known for his expression full face, one that told you exactly how he felt without a single word leaving his lips and this time was no different. His raise of one eyebrow was in complete contradiction to the conversation the viewers at home knew you to be having. If he wasn’t careful, the truth behind the analogies would be out in the world with very little control, and there would be nothing he could do about it. Even Lewis Hamilton didn’t have the kind of power to make people forget what they had witnessed.  

“Maybe…maybe I saw a potential in her that was never there in the first place. I just wish…actually, no let me not say that.”

He looked away from you as he fought back the words that he so desperately wanted to say. His eyes darted around behind you, as if he was searching for someone, and he was; anyone, anyone to focus on but you. 

“Go on Lewis, you’ve never been one to shy away from telling the world exactly what you think before, why start now?” 

The cattiness in your comment was not missed on him, his face turned into a scowl of which you had not seen directed at you before. It was very clear that the longer this interview went on, the longer he had to feign even the most pathetic attempt at pretending he was talking about his car, the more aggravated he would get.  

“I just wish that she hadn’t pretended to be something that she wasn’t…in Spain, I mean. There was a promise that weekend, a compromise between me and her, and ultimately she lied.” 

“Sometimes a lie can be misinterpreted by your own biases. You saw what you wanted to see, Lewis, maybe you should have tried asking her how she really felt?”

“Maybe after so many months, I shouldn’t have had to?” 

“Thank you for your time-“

“Finished so soon? But I have more to say.” 

Your heart sunk at the moment. You knew Lewis had this side of him, the side that was unabashed, free with his words, a side that ultimately had not been seen, in public at least, for many years now; yet here he was, staring back at you, like the naive driver you first met many years ago.

“Do you think that’s wise?”

You tried to warn him, you attempted to bring him back down to reality a little with your warning but he was clouded by a mist of pure emotion, there was nothing you could do to prevent what his next sentence would be.

“What are you so afraid of?”

“What?” 

You were not used to being the one faced with questions, you did the asking, Lewis did the answering, that was how your relationship had always gone and now he had flipped it a complete 180, you were unsure on how to react. 

“I said, what are you so afraid of?”

“I…I…everything.” 

“I guess I would have hoped that I would have made you feel comfortable enough with me that you didn’t feel like you ever needed to hide who you are, I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you.” 

“Lewis, let’s not do this in public please…”

You wished more than anything he had just answered your phone call yesterday, the last thing you wanted to do was to confirm your relationship, one that had been so heavily speculated on for months now, in the form of a very public break up. 

“Sorry, I forgot our little pact to keep up the pretence of me just being another driver to you. I guess everyone knows now.” 

His sentence finished with a smile that told you he knew exactly what he had done with that comment. Lewis always told you he wanted the world to know about you, and up until now he was respectful of your wishes of privacy, up until he no longer had to respect your wishes at all.

“Okay I am done here.” 

Your cameraman knew his cue to stop filming, yet even a polite tug from Lewis’ PR person couldn’t snap him out of his inability to drop the conversation, nor did it stop him from walking around the barrier to join you. 

“Why are you so embarrassed by being associated with me?” 

It was as if something snapped inside you. The self pitying, the refusal to abide by your wishes to stop telling the world your business, it could have been any of them that caused it but that didn’t matter now, something had and now there was no holding back.

He was a few inches away from you now, having bypassed the barrier that surrounded the pen just to be closer to you, a hand that normally comforted you on your waist now irritated you no end and you brushed it off with aggression. 

“I’m sorry if I don’t want our sex life plastered all over Instagram, I’m sorry I’m nothing like the women you were with last night…that’s your usual type, isn’t it Lewis?” 

“That…that wasn’t what it looked like.” 

“Oh please, I’ve known you, I’ve known all of you drivers for longer than most people here. I know what you’re like, I know what you’re all like.”

“Baby, stop…it wasn’t-“

“Leave me alone, Lewis. You got your wish, everyone knows now and I’ll forever be known as the journalist that fucked Lewis Hamilton.” 

The thing about Monaco was that it didn’t matter how far you ran, and you ran far longer than you ever thought possible, you were never alone. The sea of people never lessened in its enormity, and being the woman they saw on TV every weekend, who was now running as fast as she could back to her hotel, all of them stopped to stare at you. You knew soon it wouldn’t be long until the stares were joined by whispers about the latest scandal of the paddock, and boy did this sport love a scandal, your legs could not get you out of there fast enough for your liking. 

Lewis tried to call you of course, many times, each time was more pointless than the last as you had absolutely no want inside of you to talk to him. He gave up eventually, and you found yourself crying yourself to sleep once more, that was until your phone woke you with a violent vibration, in the form of one singular text message. 

‘I have something to show you.’

You placed your phone back down on the bed and turned around, the anger boiling inside you once more. You were not going to entertain him with a conversation, but unfortunately you also had forgotten how determined Lewis was when he wanted something; you would always give up before he did, it was in his blood to win.

“Lewis, please…just leave me alone.”

“I will, I promise…but please, I need you to come downstairs and let me take you somewhere.” 

“This is ridiculous, it’s the middle of the night. Can it wait until morning?”

“It will be too late by morning, it has to be now.” 

You were in the state between sleep and fully awake as you spoke to him, the state you most enjoyed him under usual circumstances, and that was what you would blame for your inability to refuse his offer. Reluctantly, you dragged yourself out of bed, still in the oversized t-shirt you slept in, and made your way down to his car waiting at the entrance of the hotel. 

“Thank you for coming.” 

Lewis tried to kiss you on your cheek but you pulled even further away from him, almost hitting your head off of the passenger window in the process. 

The sigh that escaped his lips was as heavy as the tension that suffocated the air of Lewis’ car. You refused to look at him for the whole journey, you refused to speak to him, instead you let him drive you through the now practically empty, sparsely lit, streets of Monte Carlo and towards whatever it was that was so urgent that it couldn’t wait until morning.

“Why are we here?” 

You stood outside the entrance to the tall, sand coloured apartment block, looking up at the balconies that decorated the front of it. Large, glass barriers that shielded the elite from the rest of the mere mortals that roamed the streets of the city. That was one of the things that amused you about Monaco the most, the mere mortals here had a greater wealth than anywhere else, but still they were not wealthy enough to live in this particular building. 

“I told you, I need you to see something.”  

Lewis held his hand out for you to take it and for a second, as you looked down at the hand you had spent many a night with wrapped around your throat, you considered it; until the reality reminded you that nothing was as it once was, your hand no longer belonged in his. 

“Let’s just get this over with.” 

The elevator was bigger than your bedroom, the realisation made you giggle to yourself as you stood against one side of the mirrored wall; Lewis against the other. The elevator was a prime example of your worries, you didn’t belong here, and if you didn’t belong in an elevator of all things, you certainly didn’t belong in his world at all.

“You know, this wasn’t how I wanted to bring you home for the first time…”

Lewis filled the empty air between you, for the first time in forever the silence that was normally natural, now felt like it was trying to smother you of the many memories you shared with him; he felt like a stranger, even after a few hours of separation.

“You’re the one who invited me, Lewis. If you didn’t want me here, you have gone about it completely the wrong way.” 

The ding of the elevator signified your arrival at Lewis’ floor, level eight to be precise, and as if on instinct, he once more held his hand out for you to take it, you wondered how his hope hadn’t faltered since your previous rejection. You were still in no mood to oblige him, so instead you walked past him as if you knew where you were going, stopping just outside the elevator doors when you realised you didn’t. 

“I haven’t brought you here to fight some more, you can drop your defences now.” 

Lewis had only one neighbour on his floor, but you would never have known that unless he told you. His neighbour's existence was hidden behind a wall, their door covered in privacy, the only way you knew it was there was Lewis insistence on explaining the layout of the building as you walked through the hallway, towards his front door.

You had been surprisingly calm up until the moment you stood behind him, waiting for him to unlock the door. All at once you were overwhelmed with a sudden sense of nerves, anxiousness, as if you were about to enter a world you had so desperately tried to avoid up until now, the longer Lewis took to unlock the door, the worse you felt. 

He stood back, holding the door open for you to enter before him with an outstretched arm. You hesitated for a moment, your nerves suddenly very apparent to him, yet he was powerless to help you; a realisation that tormented him more than anything else. 

“We can stand outside if you really want to, although I promise inside is much nicer.” 

It was. Everything about Lewis’ apartment at first glance, screamed the kind of luxury that was entirely foreign to you. You felt like a kid in the world's largest toy shop, the way you looked around you, taking in the sights of everything his apartment was. 

It was minimal, the furniture sparse but for the bare essentials. The door led into a hallway cladded with dark oak walls, graced with doors to match, each door holding the secrets of a new room behind it. You followed Lewis’ lead as he led you straight down the hallway and into the living room. 

“Your apartment, it’s…it’s huge.” 

Your voice was like a warm hug to Lewis, and as he laid his keys and phone down on the table, he smiled as he heard it, watching you move around the room sheepishly, taking in every little bit you could. 

“Would you like a tour?” 

You were so tempted to say yes that you had to halt the word as it hitched in your throat, instead choosing to answer in a way that was entirely more comfortable to lie in; with a head shake. 

“Why am I here Lewis?” 

For the third time in a very short period, Lewis held out his hands for yours, but this time he didn’t give you the option of rejecting him. Having learnt from his earlier mistakes, he instead took your hand in his, leaving you with no option but to fight off the overwhelming feeling of love that washed over you the moment you felt the tenderness of his skin against yours. 

“Please, let me show you around first…” 

“Fine, whatever.” 

Lewis smirked at your stubbornness as he held just one hand now, leading from the front as he directed you back to the hallway. 

“Let’s start with the kitchen, what do you think?”

Whitewashed walls, with black marble surfaces everywhere you looked, the kitchen was impeccably clean and so very Lewis; clean, polished and everything in its place, it reminded you more of a show kitchen than one that had anyone living in it. 

“I think it is obvious you don’t spend much time here.” 

You teased as you peeled back the protective plastic still covering one of his countertops. 

“Well maybe if I had someone to cook for here, I would…” 

Lewis laughed as you rolled your eyes, he could feel you warming to him, you could feel it too, so you fought back with a soft scowl as he led you to the bathroom next. 

You soon realised that the theme of most rooms was marble, the bathroom was decorated with the most expensive looking kind; washed greys with a sliver of gold running through the natural patterns. The shower was big enough for two people, with raindrop shower heads in the ceiling, double sinks and even double toilets. What caught your attention most though, the thing that quickly became your favourite part of his apartment, was the free standing bathtub in the middle of the room. In the same design as the marble on the walls, with gold taps to match, the bathtub was by far the prettiest, and largest, you had ever seen in your life. 

“And through here…is where the magic happens.” 

A sentence that often led to the entrance of a bedroom, instead revealed a makeshift music studio. The walls were decorated in obscure posters of Lewis’ favourite artists, the floor bare but for a table that sat against the wall, housing a laptop and four speakers surrounding it. 

“This room is still a work in progress, but I have big plans…” 

“I’m sure you do Lewis, you always do. Are we done with the tour now?”

Lewis could sense your patience fading fast, and with that, the last specks of your relationship leaving with it. His grip on your hand tightened in response, as if physical contact could halt the fact that your once solid, or so he thought, emotional connection, was washing away with every moment that passed by. 

“Almost, just a little more to see.” 

“Great, it’s a bedroom…” 

“What do you think of it?” 

Lewis’ ability to ignore all of your sarcasm, to block out any of your disdain as he showed you his home, was award worthy; you always knew he was determined, but even for him, this was something more. 

“It’s nice, but can I be honest?” 

“I’m going to regret saying this, aren’t I…but yes.” 

“Everything about your place is nice, but it’s all a bit soulless don’t you think?” 

There was silence for a moment, you instantly regretted how harsh that sounded, he was clearly so proud of his home and here you were, making sure he knew that it lacked any kind of personality.

“I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry…I’m just so tired, after today.”

“No you’re right, it is.” 

Lewis’ face normally gave you a clue as to what he was thinking just by looking at it, always so honest with his emotions written all over it, but as you stared at him, you saw nothing that would help you predict what he was thinking or feeling. 

“There’s a reason for that though. You still have one more room left to view, go open that door over there, maybe you will like that room a little more.” 

“Does it have the same bathtub as your bathroom? Because I truly loved that.” 

Lewis smiled softly at you, freeing your hands for the first time since he took hold of them, urging you to do as he said. 

“That would be…weird, but noted. You love the bathtub.” 

It was interesting walking towards a room with little expectation, every other room in the house was accounted for, in the few short steps to the door you pondered it being an en suite, one that by judging Lewis’ reaction this was the most important room in the house to him; the reality of what it actually was took a little longer than he hoped it would once you opened the door. 

“Lewis…it’s…it’s…” 

“It’s yours, baby.” 

“But I don’t understand?” 

You stood in the middle of the room, much the same size as his bedroom, but this room had so much more personality. The walls painted a pastel version of your favourite colour, the carpet a soft deep pile of white. It was beautiful, it was something out of a fairytale, or better yet, it was a closet that Carrie Bradshaw would be envious of and on the back wall, a mural painted of a picture you two took together in San Francisco a few months ago. 

“It’s new, everything in this apartment is brand new, baby.” 

“But you’ve lived here for years?” 

Lewis found his place just behind you, holding onto your hips as he watched you scour through the endless racks of clothes, marvelling over the built-in shelving full of shoes, everything entirely more expensive than anything you had ever owned before. 

“Yes, this was a place that I stayed for years but things are different now. There’s a reason the place is so lifeless, babe, it has been waiting for you to bring it.” 

“Lewis, I am so confused.” 

“Come sit and I’ll explain.” 

Lewis sat down on the carpet, helping to lower you down to join him, this time it felt right holding his hands, like you needed the support to hear what he had to say next. 

“This weekend…well, it has been nothing at all like how I planned it in my head.” 

“I know, I’m sorry for not being honest with you from the get go. I should have told you what was bothering me, I should have explained to you why I couldn’t come to Monaco with you.”

“Yes, you should have. Can you tell me now?” 

You looked down at your folded legs in embarrassment as you mulled over the many different ways to explain your most insecure thoughts, to the man you revered more than anyone else. 

“I was scared, Lewis. Scared of you, scared of this, scared of everyone knowing about us.” 

“Fuck, so you’re actually ashamed of me?” 

“No, no…nothing like that. You need to understand that we both come from different worlds, Lewis. Your world is nothing like mine, at all. My apartment is the size of your living room, for starters.” 

“So?” 

“So, I don’t belong here and it’s obvious to everyone but you it seems. I am not ashamed of you, in fact I am probably the proudest person in the whole paddock every race weekend, you are incredible…but I am ashamed of me.” 

Lewis rubbed his thumb over the top of your hand, a small but significant detail to comfort you in what he could tell was your most vulnerable moment with him. 

“I never feel like I am enough for you, I feel like I am holding you back, stopping you from being with someone a lot younger, a lot prettier, someone you actually deserve.” 

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“No, I’m not. I hear what people say about me, before we have even confirmed it, they call me the woman who is only where she is because she is fucking Lewis Hamilton, they judge me because they too know that I am not good enough for you.” 

“Why do you care what people think so much?” 

“Because I worked so fucking hard to get to the position I am in, you should know that feeling more than most. I hate that forever my career will be defined by who I am sleeping with.” 

“I’m sorry that us being together has made you feel this way. I can’t change the way people speak about you, as much as I want to, but I can help you see yourself in a kinder light. Look around you, I did all of this for you.” 

“I don’t deserve it, Lewis. Honestly, as much as seeing you with those two women last night hurt me, it made sense to me…they were young, beautiful…they were everything I am not.” 

“You’re right, they were everything you’re not…and that’s because there is no one like you. You want to know what I actually did last night? I left the party not long after 10pm, I came home, straight to this room…your room…and I lay down right where you are sitting, staring at the thousands of pictures I have of you until I fell asleep. Even when you are not here baby, your face is the last thing I want to see before I fall asleep.” 

Love is such a difficult concept to explain. The complexities of such a raw emotion are many, layers upon layers of feelings that both contradict each other and make perfect sense. Love can have you so completely devastated with one breath, and it can have you falling into the arms, into the lips, of a person who was both the reason for your devastation and the cure to that too. 

Whilst your cheeks were soaked with tears that had only temporarily stopped falling over the past twenty four hours, you fell into Lewis’ lips and with that, into the most instinctive form of love making. 

Neither one of you spoke, neither one of you allowed your lips, or your hands, to lift from the other for any longer than a second. The moment he was inside of you was the moment you finally started to feel a familiar sense of peace, as he thrust lazily for both of your pleasures, you felt him fuck you into a paradise unmatched. 

The truth was, that no matter what was happening in your lives, no matter how angry, or annoyed, or utterly devastated by the other you were, sex was the one thing that brought you to an understanding, if only for a few minutes; it was the one thing that you both agreed on. 

“I love you so so much, baby.” 

Lewis was always vocal, but this time his words felt different. As he fought to bury himself as deep as possible inside of you, attempting to reach depths that were entirely impossible, his hands roamed your body, his lips exploring your neck. His actions were that of someone who was so desperately trying not to lose sight of the person below them, scared that you may disappear from him at any moment. 

It didn’t happen often, your orgasms hardly ever emerged at the same time, but tonight they were, a poetic meeting of an ecstasy that had built with very little effort, as if you both found your peaks through the sheer want of the other; it was entirely possible you did. 

You felt your eyes close the more overwhelmed you were, your orgasm washed through your body from your core right up to the very tip of your head, and built with intensity the further it rose. You heard nothing but the muffled moans of the man who was at the height of his own ecstasy on top of you, but you could feel so much. 

“You’re enough, baby. You are enough.” 

You could feel all of him, you could feel him finishing inside of you, you could feel how intense his heartbeat was against your chest, but most importantly, you could feel the ways in which this man loved you, and for the first time, in your most weakened state, you believed it. 

The state of undress you both found yourselves in as you laboured in the post orgasmic haze, Lewis sat back against the wall, you between his legs, resting against his chest as your fingers played with each other in the air, was almost comical. Neither one of you had the energy to dress properly, that was so very unimportant now. 

“I guess everyone has been talking about us since this afternoon?” 

“You mean you haven’t been online at all?” 

Lewis felt your body tense against his as you dreaded the memory of everyone witnessing your very public break up. 

“Is it bad?” 

“Well…it’s not great.” 

“Lewis, what are we going to do?” 

“Wait here, I have something for you.” 

Lewis slipped out from behind you with urgency, yet with so much care too. You buried your head in your arms folded over your knees as you wished for the memories of tens of thousands of people to be wiped clean and for everyone to forget what they had witnessed today. 

“Close your eyes, no peeking.” 

“Lewis, what are you doing? I’m too tired for a surprise.” 

“Just do as you are told for once, please?” 

You did. You kept your eyes shut tight as he kneeled back down to your level, but this time in front of you. 

“You can open them now.” 

The moment you did you almost passed out with shock. There he was, the man you loved more than anything and anyone else on this planet, knelt in front of you, holding a box with the prettiest diamond inside. 

“Why don’t we give them something to really talk about?” 

The smile on his face was one of such hope, a smile pure devilish in nature, you were frozen in shock, unable to answer him. 

“Baby, forget your doubts, forget your silly thoughts of not being enough for me, and look at the man who is kneeling in front of you asking you to do him the honour of allowing him to spend the rest of his life proving to you exactly why you are.” 

“Lewis, oh my god…I can’t…” 

“Marry me, please?” 

“Yes, yes, I’ll marry you…of course I'll marry you!” 

For an athlete at the peak of his prime, it was embarrassing how easily you made him fall back to the floor, just by jumping on him. It took a good hour for him to finally remember to place the ring on your finger, too lost in kissing like you were teenagers, and then it took a good hour more of you both staring at your finger for reality to even begin to settle in. 

“If we’re going to do this, I need you to promise me something please.” 

Lewis broke the harmonic silence with yet another conversation. It was now drawing close to four am, and despite your insistence that he finally sleep as he had a race tomorrow, he refused, stating he would start and finish P8, and with it being Monaco, he already knew he would be stuck behind someone the whole way. 

“Anything, Lewis.” 

“Let me see you.” 

“Okay, you're a delirious old man, let’s get you to bed.” 

You feigned getting up, to immediately be pulled back down into his arms. 

“I’m serious, babe. You’ve never been truly with me, there’s always been a little part of you trapped inside your head, afraid to come out, afraid for me to see all of you but it’s time. No more hiding, no more pretending, I want to see you, I need to see all of you.” 

It felt like you had only really been asleep for no more than an hour or so when the sunlight broke through the tiny gap in the curtains. Lewis stirred first, of course, some things never changed, but today you looked forward to what faced you, life was entirely more bearable knowing you were doing it with a fiance, knowing you were doing it with a man strong enough to hold you up when you fell, was priceless. 

“Are you nervous, baby?” 

“Not one bit.” 

The truth was you would have been scared to death in this situation with anyone else, but with Lewis in control of the motorbike he insisted on driving you both to track on, you had never felt safer in your life. As the streets of Monte Carlo passed you by in a blur, you clung tighter to his waist but not out of fear, you clung tighter to his waist because holding him was about the only thing you could do in this moment, and since he had proposed, you had been unable to do anything but cling to him. 

You were so used to being the one to report the gossip of the paddock, it felt very weird being the gossip, but walking through the paddock, past your many colleagues and friends, past the thousands of gaping mouths as if they didn’t all already know anyway, you felt powerful, you felt special, you felt loved. You squeezed Lewis’ hand that you held as if to thank him, and to remind him that as much as you had him to hold you up, he also had you. Forever. 

“So Lewis, how does it feel to be six races in and not a sign of a win in sight yet for you? Must be one of the worst starts to your career ever.” 

The usual bitchy questions from the journalists, desperate to get a raise out of the man who was calm at even the worst of times, had little to no effect on Lewis today. He stood listening intently, with a smile that hadn’t left his face since morning. 

“Honestly, it is one of the worst starts to my career, but you know what? This, this whole place, the circus that it is, is just that. My career. It’s insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and do you know what made me realise that?” 

Lewis paused his thoughts to beckon for you to join him in the media pen, your first and probably last experience of being on the other side of the barriers, standing next to the greatest driver of all time, as he held your hand up for the camera to see. 

(simply ’to know’ = ’saber’)