#achingchest

I came clean and told you about the suffocation, Specifically that I felt suffocated by your affection. But you simply couldnʼt wrap your head around that notion Instead, you gave me endless doses of your strongest potion.

Only after it was too late, did you realize that it was my intention To let you get lost in the commotion Donʼt you dare say that I didnʼt give you the option To pull out the white flag, and graciously surrender to this failed mission And be able to walk away with that meticulously curated carnation.

Had you taken the time to comprehend the art of my conception It wouldnʼt have come to this, where I am robbing you of your elation You made yourself vulnerable to the abrasion Now all I can do I graciously mutter the farewell incantation

Darling, you have to understand that you canʼt and wonʼt ever be my salvation.

You never wanted every word you said to be memorialized

Because “i want you” meant so much more than you ever knew

And love is so much more than just a word-

Its a string of feelings and memories and love was never meant to have an end

So please dont let this end

It feels like a knife sliding down my throat

and it feels like youre telling me you never loved me at all

“Leave me alone” sounds more like “i wish i never met you”

And once youve said it god knows you can never take it back

And i never forget

I never let go

I hold everything you said to me inside, in my writing

You have to be careful what you say to me

And i have to be careful with how much i give to you

Because once i give it i can never get it back

And maybe thats why i only ever told you how i felt through rhymes and rhythms

I know it must be frustrating

Maybe even annoying

To always be in the dark

I only leave vague clues of my emotions and tell you something different every day

Because my emotions are all over the paper

A poet can never be sane

A poet can never be anything but honest-

Poetry doesnt sit right when theres no blood or sweat or tears poured into it

And i think im being kind-

Holding your promises and secrets up and comparing them to the galaxies in the sky and the deep colors in the flowers you might sometimes miss

I take everything you give me and i make it my own

Threading your words onto my sleeve and saying

“Look everyone! Look at the masterpiece i created!”

And it must make you uneasy

Vulnerable, even

And if i could write you a poem i knew you’d read it’d start and end with “I’m sorry”

Because i know this isnt what you wanted

Maybe its not what i wanted, either

I never asked to cling to your words and lock them so deep within myself it sometimes hurts

I dont get to tell you that it fucking hurts

I only tell you about the beauty and the gentle waves of emotion-

Poetry doesnt sit right when theres no blood or sweat or tears poured into it

People like me always think too much, love too hard

And when a poet falls in love with you

Your words will never die

Even when you want nothing more than for them to die

But here i am again,

Repeating the things i’ve said a million times

Taking your words and pulling them apart and sugar coating them

Even if only for myself

And maybe i won’t ever tell you i love you again

Because you’ll take it the wrong way-

You won’t understand that a poet never truly falls out of love

And i’m afraid you’d say you love me, too

Because i’ll take it the wrong way-

I never understood how someone could be in love and still walk away

But here i am again-

Recounting the stars in your eyes and reliving all the times your lips touched mine

And you’re pretending it never happened.

Pretending you and i never existed,

Pretending i never came into your life, like you never wanted someone to feel this way about you,

And fuck, maybe you never did.

Maybe this is me coming to terms with that.

And i know you never meant for a poet to fall in love with you

But i’ll never stop being a poet

And i’ll never stop remembering the horrible way you left things

Or how easily we fit together

Or all the blood and sweat and tears that came in between

I’m sorry i managed to be too much and not enough all at once- too much fury and fight but never enough compassion or sympathy for the way i affected you

I’m sorry it took until now for me to realize i was affecting you, too

You’ll always be the kind of person to sweep this under the rug-

I always envied how easily you could look the other way-

And i’ll always be the kind of person to see through rose colored glasses

And i know i said i’d move on,

And, i promise, i have

I’m sorry you will continue to live through my writing

I know you don’t want to be held accountable for everything you never really meant

And i know you never meant to lie-

It’s just that a poet can never be anything but honest,

So no, i won’t forget.

I’m sorry you let a poet fall in love with you.

how pools of tears flood my swollen eyes

how your tired shoulders beaten down by life

in all its menace & mercilessness

provided me something to lean on

when my legs surrendered to the chaos

brewing in my head- words so loud and callous

they pinned to my lungs & suffocated the air out

words so big i shivered in their shadow

as they carved raw art in my sacred skin

how you coloured me with your soft golden glow

sung of supernovas and distant stars and their dust-

said my blood held some of it too

how you loved a wilting daffodil in water

till it stopped shouting hideousness at its echo

friend, now you're stumbling & your lips

they refuse to smile for a world undeserving

they only open for short raspy breaths that curse

the creation who's dependant on them

friend, here's all the kindness

you sung this corpse alive with

let me sow it in your barren palms